What to do? In-laws are kind of annoying me.

Reply Thu 26 Oct, 2017 06:29 pm
Cutting off "access" is kinda what I had in mind. I am definitely aiming to dry out that well of manipulation she has over my wife, by various means. Initially I wanted to try and limit contact in a fashion that proved that we didn't need her input to do anything or everything; granted I may sound like an ass for trying to split them apart a bit, but I know that a mother-daughter relationship is important. But here, let me just give one last example of this narcissistic attitude that actually happened recently. The SO and I actually had some good news to speak about to a crowd of her family, and the mother insisted we do it on her cue. I proceeded to get almost livid for her attempting to control the news that had to come out of my SO's mouth, in which I shut her down. My wife is afraid to be stern and she sugar coated that she wanted to do things her own way. By no means am I just looking for stuff to complain about, but c'mon, this kind of stuff just slaps you in the face. If my wife and I ever have children, I've already told her that this extended period of me being soft on the MIL is over. If she ever does any of that stuff to my child, I will make sure she sees an eclipse more than she will see my child. That's how I feel about it.
Reply Thu 26 Oct, 2017 06:45 pm
Aerone wrote:
I know that a mother-daughter relationship is important.

it is never more important than the relationship between partners


is there any way you can move away from this very unfortunate group of influences?
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Reply Fri 27 Oct, 2017 07:05 pm
Personally, I think a lot of your frustration stems from your inability to deal with such manipulation.

The simple (example) response to such attempts at manipulation is "Mum, this is my news, I'll deliver it in the way I think appropriate"

Manipulative people often then try guilt trips eg "So it's inappropriate to listen to your mother" (etc)

The simple (example) response is "The delivery of this message is a significant event in my life - trust me to deliver it appropriately"

In each reply to her, you repeat the heart of the message (it's your message, it means a lot to you, you can judge what's appropriate etc)


As a note: The first few times a person changes and starts standing up for themselves, the manipulative person (particularly members of the family) try guilt trips, and if you keep standing up for yourself, they up the ante (because they can't understand what is going on - they aren't use to it - and upping the ante has always worked before. Manipulative people are creatures of habit when it comes to how they manipulate).

However, with continued (respectful) firmness, manipulative people usually stop, or tone their attempts right down. No where in such conversations do you need to get 'livid', nor threaten violence.

Your ease of upset / lack of emotional self control is one of the significant reasons she is able to manipulate you - as manipulative people, if they can't get what they want out of you, still feel like they've had a partial win if they've upset you (unconcsiously they understand it is much easier to manipulate people who upset easily). Also, likely your anger, in her eyes, justifies her further attempts to control your wife, and to her 'you deserve it' .

Your lack of skills in dealing with such manipulation is the other significant reason.

As a note, these two aspects of a persons life are very common in victims of manipulative people. They are both aspects that can be changed, and improved, to reduce or eliminate attempts at manipulation.

You are able to make improvements to both of these aspects of your life. You can, if you put the work in, stop people from manipulating you...in every part of your life, for the rest of your life..
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Reply Mon 24 Dec, 2018 04:09 am
They are also your family now and you have to deal with them and love them like your own family,
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