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Porm Addiction?

 
 
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 05:44 am
Hello, I need advice regarding my bf and I's sex life. We have a lot of sex. For example, yesterday we had sex five times. Three times while watching porn together as this really arouses both of us. When we have sex without watching porn, he can not ejaculate inside of me, no matter how long we go on for. When we watch porn he ejaculates inside of me, no problem. After our session (over the course of six hours) of five times, I woke up this morning and caught him watching and masturbating to porn. This is not the first time its happened and it really hurts me. I don't understand why he needs to still watch it after ejaculating five times merely 5 hours ago. Does he have a problem? Am I too over sensitive about it and should just let him masturbate as often as he can? When he is on facebook, he is always looking at naked pics as well. I've told him many times I find it disrespecting towards me, and he keeps doing it. He also can't tell me why. He always says, I don't know. Like when I caught him this morning, he didn't explain himself. Just tried to initiate sex with me afterwards and I eventually gave in as I have a high sex drive. Any advice is appreciated.
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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 2,260 • Replies: 18
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PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 07:02 am
The basis of this relationship sounds like it's based on sex and porn.

I suppose that it can keep people together for while, but not in the long run.

You two have a high sex drive, but your BF sounds like he is also addicted to porn. Having a willing partner doesn't seem to be good enough.

I have no advice for you. Enjoy this as long as it lasts.
FrankLee
 
  2  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 07:14 am
@Immie0404,
Yes, he's addicted to porn. The lack of climax without porn is a telltale sign. You don't lack in any area, you are obviously intimate with him very frequently, so don't blame yourself.

He needs counseling to help address his problem. You won't be able to address is alone.

If you stay in the current path, sex will begin to feel empty and hollow, if it hasn't already. He needs to be able to process his emotions in a healthy way, instead of looking to sex and porn to medicate himself.

I wish you the best
Immie0404
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 08:27 am
@PUNKEY,
Thank you for taking the time to answer. We do many other things together, but I think you might be right. I am emotionally open to him, but he is not very open towards me. When I try to talk about things with him, he gets sexual with me. It's as if he believes it can solve things. He is highly intelligent and an introvert. I do love him so much...
Immie0404
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 08:30 am
@FrankLee,
Thank you for your reply. I need to trust my instinct and that's what I think too. I told him I think he is addicted, but he denies it. He thinks there is nothing wrong...I have no idea how to approach it with him. I'll try and get him to see that he does have a problem. The sex do feel empty at times and of course I feel like I need to perform to get him going when all I want to do is get lost in him and him in me.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 09:09 am
@Immie0404,
That's very telling. He needs to be able to communicate with you with his pants on. I do hope he doesn't go to the sex thing if you're talking in a restaurant!*

Anyway, sorry to joke about it. I know you want an emotional connection and I get that. Being able to communicate will bring you both closer.

*And that might be a way to get kicked out of every Olive Garden from here to Oshkosh Wink
Immie0404
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 09:15 am
@jespah,
He really struggles with communication...He avoids, or clams up. I am a very kind and patient person, so I try and stay calm when talking to him. I have lost it though...like this morning. I couldn't believe it. I felt defeated
FrankLee
 
  2  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 10:18 am
@Immie0404,
Unfortunately you may have to set a boundary. You may have to say "I'd like to take a break from sex and address these issues". You can tell him that you think the amount of porn is unhealthy and that it's hurting your relationship.

Let me just say, if he was viewing a little porn on the side here and there it would be no big deal. But he obviously has a problem.

So you have to set some sort of boundary, and the only thing you can control is your participation in sex. I'm not saying withhold sex until he's "cured", but it is perfectly reasonable to tell him you want to take a break until there's a plan to address the issue. Fair warning, when you set this boundary he will likely get angry. You'll have to stand your ground even if he says hurtful things. He may try to shame you or be angry so that you'll go back to the usual sex patterns. This is common with addicts.

And just so you know, he'll likely need professional help for fixing how his emotional and sexual wires have been crossed up.

Best of luck to you
Immie0404
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 10:24 am
@FrankLee,
Do you think he'll break up with me if I set this boundary? TBH, I've considered that. I want him to just go without it for a bit. I've blocked all the pornography sites on our internet (we live together) and also facebook as he spends hours on it at night. He is going to be annoyed by that...I don't want to lose him, but I guess, if this makes him leave, then I don't mean enough to him.
FrankLee
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 12:19 pm
@Immie0404,
That's the key with setting boundaries, you can't control and shouldn't try to control his response. I know emotionally it's hard, but if he won't at least try to work through this and leaves you, would you want be in a relationship with someone that medicates himself with sex and can't express his true emotions and be vulnerable?

That's always the key with setting boundaries, you set them to protect yourself and make sure you're being valued. The other person's response is theirs to own, even if it's not pretty. If you don't set a boundary for fear of his response, then you're trying to manage his behavior and it won't give him the chance to grow, and you won't be respecting yourself.

I hope that makes sense





Immie0404
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 12:21 pm
@FrankLee,
Thank you so much...it makes a lot of sense. I think I'm going to have to be brave and strong about this. Thanks again
0 Replies
 
Immie0404
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 01:47 pm
@FrankLee,
I read him an article about porn addition which I thought was very well written. I spoke to him about how it feels for me, how much I want him, how much I don't need porn and how he turns me on more than I could ever hope for. I poured my heart out to him in a very non blame way. I told him I blocked all porn. I then gave him the opportunity to speak and I just kept quiet and waited. He stared at me literally for two min. I eventually asked, are you going to say something and he said, no and got up. I said do you have nothing to say? He said, well you blocked all the porn. What else can I say? Then I just said, babe I'm not going to be intimate with you again, until you talk to me about this. I'll wait as long as it takes. I continue being loving and I told him we could cuddle. Not a word from him. Oh, I did ask him if he is attracted to me and he said, you are pretty. I said but are you attracted to me and he just said, yes. I also said, I need to feel that he values me, so he needs to talk to me when he is ready. It took all my strength...I feel like crying, but I'm not going to. I feel so unimportant to him...
FrankLee
 
  2  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 03:36 pm
@Immie0404,
I would just give it a little time. What you have now is a man that has only been able to process his emotions through physical touch. I think it's fair to give him a chance to work through this and try to build some capacity to process his emotions through words and communication.

If he wants to change it's going to take time. This is a good first step. You may require couples counseling as well. You should be proud of yourself for presenting this to him honestly and with kindness. I hope that he can engage and make this a place of growth for both of you.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 25 Oct, 2017 07:10 am
@Immie0404,
Do you know anything about his past?

What is his age?

He almost sounds like he's ADHD or Autistic. For sure he puts his anxiety into exaggerated sexual expression OR he's doing drugs.

His lack of contact communication skills, closed off affect and his inability to take any responsibility for his actions is of concern.

I wish HE would have blocked the porn. Now he sees you as the "punishing mother."
Immie0404
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 Oct, 2017 01:15 am
@PUNKEY,
I know general things about his past. He doesn't talk to his dad and he refuses to tell me why. He is 32. He is very well educated ( PhD) and sexually I'm his third sexual partner. He only lost his virginity at 25 and that relationship lasted only three months. He then had five years without a sexual partner and had a long distance relationship for about a year that ended 8 months before he met me.
His mother is extremely controling. I removed the blocks and told him that he will never realise he has a problem if I don't give him the opportunity to say no to it by choice. I said that he knows it is hurting our relationship, but instead of trying to control him, he needs to choose not to watch it and if he can't stop himself that says enough by itself.

This week I've been at home so I know he hasn't watched it for about a week now and already I see a difference. He was able to ejaculate during sex which was only the third time in our almost 1 year relationship.
0 Replies
 
msbluerayban
 
  1  
Reply Mon 20 Nov, 2017 01:04 am
@Immie0404,
men have diffrent feelings when they are having sex with partner and when they masturbate both are awsm...so clearly if he masturbate does not mean that you didnt give him pleasure... taking about porn addict, it is common watching porn all the time give pleasure to most of the guys
0 Replies
 
Confusedchris70
 
  0  
Reply Thu 18 Jan, 2018 08:10 pm
@Immie0404,
hELLO i HAVE KINDA THE SAME PROBLEM . MY BF AND I USE TO HAVE A GREAT SEX LIFE BUT OVER THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF ITR HAS BECOME NON- EXISTANT. HE THINKS THAT I DONT KNOW THAT HE WATCHES PORN ALL THE TIME BUT I KNOW. HE ALSO LIKES TO DRESS UP LIKE A WOMEN AND WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHEN HES DRESSED LIKE THAT I HAVE TOLD HIM THAT IT DOES NOT TURN ME AND HE DOES NOT CARE HOW I FEEL WHEN I TRY TALKING TO HIM HE TURNS THINGS AROUND ON ME AND WE END UP ARGUING I DO LOVE HIM TREMENDOUSLY I HAVE AVERY HIGH SEX DRIVE SO I AM THE ONE ALWAYS ASKING FOR SEX HE WOULD RATHER STAY IN THE GARAGE WATCHING PORN MASTERBATING WHILE DRESSED LIKE A WOMEN. I AM NOT UGLY NOR FAT .SO WHATS DEAL HE ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE FOR US NOT TO HAVE SEX BUT HE WILL SPEND HOURS DRESSING UP AND WATCHING PORN I AM STARTING TO LOSE MY CONFIDENCE
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Jan, 2018 08:35 pm
@Immie0404,
Quote:
I read him an article about porn addition which I thought was very well written. I spoke to him about how it feels for me, how much I want him, how much I don't need porn and how he turns me on more than I could ever hope for. I poured my heart out to him in a very non blame way. I told him I blocked all porn. I then gave him the opportunity to speak and I just kept quiet and waited. He stared at me literally for two min. I eventually asked, are you going to say something and he said, no and got up. I said do you have nothing to say? He said, well you blocked all the porn.


I don't know if I believe that porn addiction is real (i.w. if it works the same way as chemical dependency). However I do know about recovery from alcohol.

Taking alcohol away from an alcoholic is absolutely the wrong thing to do... any alcohol abuse program will tell you the same thing. I assume that blocking porn is the same. You are putting yourself as the person who is going to fix him. And you should never use sex as leverage for anything... that is almost guaranteed to irreparably damage any chance of a future healthy relationship.

My advice is couples counseling. You need to decide if you are going to live with him, or you are going to leave him. There is no way that you are going to "fix" him... relationships don't work this way.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 19 Jan, 2018 08:31 am
@Confusedchris70,
You don't have to stay.
0 Replies
 
 

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