Sun 15 Oct, 2017 05:02 pm
I've been been married for 6 plus years now. For the first 2 years or so things were ok because I was gainfully employed. However, at the onset of the marriage, I told my soon to me spouse that the job I was working was not my destiny and I would not be there for long. I retired in 1995 and have worked basically within the education and corporate arenas as a consultant. I was fairing well before I took the job that I had when we met. In fact, prior to taking the job, I was hired as a consultant. The company wanted me to come aboard full time and I did for 5 years and things were ok as long as they allowed me to run things as if it was my own business and they did. There was a change in top echelon and things were not the same and I didn't get the same joy as I had prior. I decided to return to independent consultancy and work for my self. Things worked ok for a while and I successfully started a company from the ground up and did quite well for a while but came to the conclusion that there was too big of a gap between the gross profits and net. After 18 months or so, an opportunity came along whereby I could get in on the ground floor of another venture. At that time I had the credit wherewithal that was needed to be a part of the venture. Well with that particular venture, I was not as successful and the previous and unfortunately i took some losses. At that time i decided to go back to what I was doing previously as a consultant and that's truly where I believe I need to be until this day.
Along the way I'm sad to say I had little support from my spouse. Most of what I received was negative, or why would you do that, or why don't you go back and get a job like normal people. In fact she often compared me to her because she had a nice job but often complained about it. Even when I did bring home decent monies, it was always something or she needed more. I'm a very generous person my nature and have always taken care of my responsibilities. The complaints progressively became more harsher along with constant disrespect and little regard for me. If fact she would often say things in front of our child (my step), regardless whether I asked her not too. She have often said she would like to do bodily harm to me. Now, I've never touched her nor any other woman and never will. However, I will not allow her to physically harm me either.
I must say prior to our getting married, we both had houses in nice neighborhoods. We decided to live in her house because it had the most space and it would be easier for me to move since I had not children. As long as I had my house she was not satisfied with me holding on to it. Also, I acquired another property and she had a problem with that as well. Again, it didn't matter what I did or accomplished it was always something wrong with it. Now keep in mind, the fact that I was self employed, I was the one taking care of the child, (Tutoring, school, practices, food and on and on) through the week and most weekends even if my spouse was off.
Now the issue! For the past 7/8 months prior to her telling me I had to leave, I was given ultimatums on a monthly basis. "I had to go and get a JOB like normal people and it didn't matter if I didn't bring home but $500, $1000 etc.. or I had to leave, because it was her house." Now keep in mind things were tight however and we almost lost her house however, GOD was sustaining us. She could work 4 days a week and make enough to cover most things. She progressively complained about us not doing anything and seemed to praise other couples for what they were doing i.e. going on vacations, weekend getaway almost anything to put me down for not doing things. My mindset was we've done and will do again. I was trying to build wealth while she wanted me to be enslaved to a job that would only give enough to get thru to the next 2 weeks. Well when I was making the money and depositing up to $2500 (sometimes more) per week in her account she still complained and wanted more. So I know me taking a job bring home $1000 every 2 weeks was a setup and would not work. In fact, it wouldn't work for me! Not when I know what I'm capable of.
One thing that I know is that GOD has given me the ability to make money as an entrepreneur. I use the word torn because now that I've been out of that situation for a while, I find myself hesitant to go back into it. Once I left although it was not my choice, I found I had peace. Even when I din't know where I was going to lay m head, I had peace from that environment. Now this is a woman who has advised other women what they should do with their no good man, one who don't believe in begging someone to be with her. Keep in mind, for those months she was giving me ultimatums, I kept telling her that the tables were going to turn and things would not always be as they were. In her mind she could only believe what she was could see.
She's now calling me and asking me to come back to the house. In fact, she demanded that I have a job and be back there by the first of the month. I've already told her that i would not be there. Quite frankly, I don't think I would be comfortable in that house because what happened when I was there. Although, I was tired of the demands, disrespect, disregard, the put downs, belittling the threats etc.., I was staying there because I was trying to tough it out until things with me turned around. I even talked with her parents and I was told was let things go in one ear and out the other. My response to that was before it come come out the other ear she is there ramming it back through. Once I was told to just leave for a few days; my response to that was, I didn't want to do that because that would be a slippery slope. I said that because I know me and felt that if I left even if it was on my own accord, I wasn't sure if I would come back.
Now she says she wants the marriage and wants me to come back. She can be so sweet at times but I've also seen her display behavior that I certainly don't deserve. In fact a few months ago our daughter did something that could have been very detrimental to her. When I didn't just sweep it under the rug and leave it alone as she wanted, she told me that the child wasn't my biological child. Needless to say, that comment did what it was intended to do; which was to get me to leave things alone. However, what it did was reminded me that since this child's mother didn't care about her; why am I staying here taking this. I truly believed that if it wasn't for the child, I would have been gone long ago.
Since I've been gone, I'm being asked for money on almost a weekly basis. Yet, she has tells folks and say that I wasn't helping her. I tell her that; if I wasn't helping when I was there, what make her think i can help her now? She has told me that if she didn't need my insurance, she would divorce me. She's still doing what she was doing for the past 4 years or so. She seems to say whatever comes to mind with little regard for what it makes me feel. A month or so ago she told me I was a narcissist to my bewilderment! Narcissist; now I've never been remotely referred as such by no one. I shared that with a colleague of mind and was told that " one of the traits of a Narcissist is projection" It stunned me so bad that it made me research Narcissism. The more I researched narcissism the more it described my spouse. In fact, they even said that they usually take an opportunity to rid themselves of their partners when while the partner is going through something; which was definitely the case with me. Even though she has said and done a lot of negative things to me, she still says she wants the marriage and me. I'm finding it hard to perceive and/or believe that she would want me after all that's occurred. One day she's nice and sweet and before the end of that day she raises pure hell!!
My reasoning for taking the time to post on here is I would like to know if there is anyone else that is going or has gone through something like this. If so, please share how you are dealing or dealt with it. Even though in my mind, I know what feel I need to do; sometimes my heart says give it another chance. If you've experienced such, please share.
Do you have kids? If not, I'd extricate yourself from the situation and move on in life.
We have no biological kids together! Would you care to elaborate on the extricating? Thanks
It sounds like a bad relationship and you don't describe her as a very pleasant person to be around.
Your marriage does not sound pleasant. See a lawyer about how to divide the assets and move on.
"She has told me that if she didn't need my insurance, she would divorce me.'
Well, there you have it.
Tell her not to worry, it could be one of the terms of the divorce that you continue to provide insurance for her (maybe a year.) She sounds like she can support herself and her child.
See a lawyer ASAP.