Chevening is looking for individuals who will be future leaders or influencers in their home countri

Reply Fri 13 Oct, 2017 09:31 pm
Please give some feedbacks ^^

I believe to become a successful future role model, the visionary is one of the key factors for a qualified leader should have. The clear vision will determine the success of an organization’s goal to sustain and how far it pays attention for community’s development. Besides, it is important to have subordinates who have a similar vision and commit to involve as part the development of an organization.
I was appointed as Manager of Incoming Global Internship Program by an NGO called AIESEC at my University. I was in charge as the intermediary between our Institution partner which runs the business in International language course and our Exchange Participants (EPs) from any countries who joined us to have the internship as a teacher. I was responsible to ensure the relationship amongst stakeholders went smoothly and resulted mutual advantages for all parties. We hired the EPs for our institution partner based on their requirements. Then, we gave the opportunities to our recruited EPs to increase their self-worth by gaining experience in teaching. Someday, I found difficulties to serve them effectively due to the lack of members I had, then I decided to recruit new members. I engaged them, by explaining about the advantages by joining this project would increase their self-worth in the future and making impact for stakeholders’ business. Then, I shared to them the job descriptions and assigned them to the specific tasks. By the end of the project period, our stakeholders had shown satisfaction with our effort through the involvement to their business growth and gave a life changing experiences for our EPs through joining us in this project. Nevertheless, I had given chances to my subordinates to improve themselves by making impact to tackle stakeholders’ concern.
In my career experience, I was appointed for a project to create new Ruled Based Engine (RBE) into our Loan Origination System (LOS). It aims to create auto calculation of credit parameter and ensure it has been formulated according to credit policy, so it will alleviate users’ job to make credit decision. I worked with some stakes such as; Credit Policy division, IT Division, and our vendors to settle this project. As a tester, I ensured the interface between RBE and LOS has been installed smoothly as well as the parameter calculation. If there were some issues occurred, I conducted discussion to overcome them and ensure they had been fixed. Through this project, I believe that I have involved to create the positive influences for my company’s business and help users to ease their job. RBE is expected to live by the end of October in all region in Jakarta, before going to be used in the national scale by the earlier of 2018.
In conclusion, the successful of the organization can be achieved depend on the quality of individuals involve in it. The sense of ownership of individuals in a community will enable them to perform exceed the expectation to give the benefit to society.
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Reply Sat 14 Oct, 2017 04:36 am
You are missing a lot of words and you are also using a lot of terms incorrectly. Also, please hit enter a couple of times after a paragraph so there's a space in between.

For example -

you wrote:
... the visionary is one of the key factors for a qualified leader should have.

However, instead, it should be:
I wrote:
vision is one of the key factors a qualified leader should have.

But the sentence as a whole is still awkward. So an even better phrasing would be:
I also wrote:
I believe a qualified leader should have vision to become a successful future role model. This is a key factor.

Did you study nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs? Vision is a sense and it is a noun. Visionary is an adjective unless it's being used as a term for a person. But you're already calling this person a qualified leader (and I would argue that the term qualified could probably also be eliminated without losing too much meaning in your essay).

Also, did you study articles? The is a definite article. A and an are indefinite articles. Your use of the term the visionary means you are referring to a specific person - the visionary, as opposed to one of many. Again, this references a person. But what you really mean is a vaguer concept, vision, which you are using in the sense of foresight as opposed to the sense of sight.

Also the term feedback isn't pluralized.

There's lots more but you will need to look carefully at your essay again. All of those small words in English, the articles and the pronouns and the like? They aren't superfluous.
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