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Mon 9 Oct, 2017 12:33 pm
I'm looking for advice/opinions on my current situation. This is going to be a longer post as I want everyone to get the bigger picture on the matter before offering an opinion. Here is the age lowdown...she is 20 years old and I'm 30 years old. Now for the meat and potatoes.
This all started back in late 2016. She is the sister of one of my friends GF (now ex gf). I was friends with my buddies GF prior to them dating but we became closer obviously through their relationship which is how me and her sister met. We only hung out in group settings like parties and such. I always thought she was super cute but that was it. Until one party...I was alone in the kitchen, the party was winding down and her sister approached me pretty aggressively if you know what I mean. I tried ignoring it but that only lasted for so long haha ever since that night things started to slowly change but things really didn't pick up until early 2017.
No one knew about anything that had happened or what was going on, no one. She didn't want anyone to find out and frankly me either. I figured it was fun and it was lust and it would simmer out. Well that wasn't the case and we slowly started to fall for each other. Feelings got involved. I was head over heels crazy about her. She is perfect. We started talking more and more and hanging out ( I don't live at home) here and there. BUT all of this was kept under the rug. My roommate was her sisters BF that I mentioned and have since separated. Just didn't work, no bad blood or anything. He only knows that we were fooling around, he doesn't know the half of it. She comes over when he is not home or sleeping.
Let me explain her a little bit before any more judgments are made. She is not a typical 20 year old girl growing up in 2017. She takes care of herself, she's super smart, independent and has a great heart. She goes to school and works almost full time. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her Dad. Her oldest sister moved out a few year ago and she has since stepped up to the plate. She takes care of all her own stuff, she does her laundry, buys her own groceries, cleans the house. She likes her fun but loves her sleep even more. She has a small circle of friends, some even in there mid 20's. She doesn't even have a Facebook or Instagram. To me in a world driven by social media and social status..for a 20 year old girl to say that isn't for me stands out. I swear the only place she is 20 is on her ID.
During one of our little tiffs I told her I loved her, I said I fell for you and I can't walk away from that. She immediately told me she loved me too and had for some time. As did I, I was just scared to say it. I never saw it coming but it happened, I was nuts about her.
Now for the dark side of things. As I mentioned she doesn't want anyone to know about this and it's because people in her life have painted a not so good picture about it. We are good at keeping things under the radar but naturally speculation has occurred and questioned. One time her sister asked if something was going on, she denied it of course. Her sister said "there better not be because I would be disgusted with you". Now keep in mind her sister is also basically her best friend and that didn't strike well. Well this speculation also got around to her mother (whom knows me and frankly loves me when I'm around). We met and talked quite a bit during some functions while my friend was dating her sister. Anyways, her Mom asked her if there was something going on between her and I and she of course laughed and denied the matter. Ultimately her mother's response was "good because there is too much of an age gap and if something was going on she would kick my ass."
To be honest I get it, I know what it looks like on the surface but it's so much more than that. She is the baby of the family so I understand their concerns for her. I know it can look as through I'm just trying to get in her pants but if that was the case it would not have continued this long. It has been a lot of work that I would not have continued to put in, especially mentally. There are periods when things are great! but the fact still remains that I can't see her as much as I would like because she doesn't want anyone to know, it's like a constant black cloud that looms over it. Like what is the end game, why are we continuing to do this if we could never be?
I refuse to just walk away, I can't. She makes me a better overall person. I'm motivated with her in my life. She has shown me what it's like to be in love again, if she's happy I'm happy and vice versa. I hit a couple ruff patches this year and she made sure to bring me back up on my 2 feet. She was there every step of the way. The thought of her with someone else makes me sick and she has said the same. It's like were the most official unofficial thing ever, and I don't want us to become the best thing to never happen. She means the world to me straight up. Yeah it's scary to think about and I will definitely take some heat from people if the cat was out of the bag. She would take a lot of heat from basically the most important people in her life and I know she can't bare to think about that.
My argument is if 2 people have a legit connection and common ground, why let that slip. Why let other people control your future...your life. I'm willing to be dubbed a creep for a little while to be with her for the long while. Once outsiders saw how it really was girls would be jealous of her, I would make sure of it. Things would blow over and her mom would end up grateful she found a guy like me. It's just that initial step that I can't get her to agree on and suck it up to get to something better. I'm the type to believe things happen for a reason and this is either going to crash and burn or end up happily ever after. I'm not saying she is "the one" but I'd hate for her to turn into the one that got away based on other people's actions and not my own. Do I try and talk to her sister (the one that dated my friend and I'm currently friends with)? Do I try and approach her Mom? Do I give her and ultimatum and just walk away? I don't know what to do.
@ItsmeMatt,
If you love each other, stay with it. Sure, there will be those who aren't happy - especially at the start. As time passes, many will come around to accepting the two of you together (as long as you don't cause the young lady any harm or heartache).
Age gap? So what. My parents were 24 years apart in age and it worked. Many couples are ten years apart, including one friend of mine and his wife is the one who is ten years older. Love, true love doesn't see age.
@Sturgis,
I feel the same way, if things came about I know it would all blow over eventually. It's just how long to keep things with a lid on it before enough is enough. I'm struggling because I want to move forward with her.
The age gap to me means nothing. I almost prefer it this way. People in my family have age gaps too of 8-12 years. If it works it works I don't judge.
Thanks for your .02 cents.
@ItsmeMatt,
What step is it you want her to take? Date you publicly?
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I don't think it's your place to talk to her friends/family. That's up to her. If she is as grown-up as you believe she is, she will deal with them.
Slightly separately, you need to be fairly sure that there's at least a chance of a long-term/permanent relationship if she has to go through the cr@p with her family.
@ehBeth,
Yes to be publicly out there. I want to show her off to people, I want my family to meet her, I want to go out to eat with her, have lazy Sundays with her, shop for a special present for her, not have to hang out with her late at night in fear of my roommate catching wind of it. I don't care if anyone knows but I keep it under wraps for her sake.
And yea I guess your right about the friends/family thing but I compare it to asking a girl for marriage...like sometimes the guy talks to the dad to get his approval to take his daughter in hand and all that blah blah blah. Almost similar but just kind of like a hey I care about her and not just for a physical relationship like you would assume. But I agree it should come from her I just don't know if she would have the guts to do it. It's almost been a year since the ball was put in motion...I'm certain something long term would come of it.
Thanks
I don't like the threats her family is giving this girl. Not fair.
Are you her first? You say you enjoy being in love "again," so I am assuming you have been around.
Perhaps her parents want the same for her.
Is she living at her parents? Having her own place wiill be the first step in gettin from under other people's domain.
@ItsmeMatt,
ItsmeMatt wrote:.I'm certain something long term would come of it.
does she know that - and does she feel the same way?
A few serious conversations between the two of you might make her feel like taking the step of going public.
@PUNKEY,
I've loved once but I've never been married or have any kids. It was a long relationship and she ended it abruptly. I focused on myself for some time..had some fun, and then this one showed up and it was different.
I am not her first, she was with someone for a little over 2 years before. Even with us being behind close doors she's told me I make her feel more special than anyone ever has.
Her parents are divorced and she lives with her Dad and another sister but she is the youngest of the 3. In the Spring she will be living with just her other sister but she won't be "on her own" for some time.
@ehBeth,
"does she know that - and does she feel the same way?"
Yes she knows that and unless she is lying, she feels the same.
We have had conversations about it and it always ends the same way, we're screwed and should stop but we don't stop. I've tried to walk away and so has she but we just turn right back around again haha
@ItsmeMatt,
What does she say would need to happen for her to talk to her mother and sister about the relationship?
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It does seem that you're in different phases of your life. She's getting started, you're in a mellower place. She's still in a stage where family drama matters. She might be mature in some ways but she's still close enough to her teens for the family opinions to carry extra weight. That's not something you can change. She just has to grow out of it.
It does make it difficult.
@ehBeth,
I'm not sure what would have to happen. For her, talking to them about it and bringing this to the light just seems like not an option.
I want to stick around to do what I can to change that or wait for her to make a move but I also have to be fair to myself.
I kind of agree with what you said about the family issues playing a role still in her life. This has crossed my mind before. I'm past all that and I could she how she has not reached that mind set yet as it comes at different times for everyone.
What keeps me going is the thought of how awesome we could be together. How great of a team we would be and the potential to blossom into something so rare is what keeps me from walking away/letting it die.
@ItsmeMatt,
ItsmeMatt wrote: For her, talking to them about it and bringing this to the light just seems like not an option.
has she said she will never talk to them about it - or is it a not now thing? does she have a timeline for when she thinks she might be able to talk to them?
does she think she's going to live near them for her whole life? does she have plans to develop a career/life elsewhere someday?
@ehBeth,
She hasn't given any sort of timeline on it, just that she can't see herself bringing it up. That's when I start thinking to myself well it's either "us" or them and if I'm not worth the drama then why should I even care so much. To me, she's worth the drama. I'll deal with the comments and attitude for awhile from a few and then the apologies that I know would soon follow.
She will most likely live near them and she's currently taking criminal justice classes to pursue being a police officer.
@ItsmeMatt,
Its not like you are a stranger to the family....
So what's their big objection? Is there anything more than the age gap?
Is there a reason why you don't have a place of your own?
I bet they all have more than suspicions. This is the elephant in the kitchen..
Just how long are you going to let this go on? Winter's coming, you know.
@PUNKEY,
Exactly...I've had beers with her dad before, I've had beers with her mom before...I talk to her sister almost weekly..
There is nothing else besides the age gap, I'm not a criminal of any kind, I work 2 jobs and graduated college.
I have a roommate because I wanted to leave my parents house while still being able to save money...pay down my student loan debt etc..
And trust me they have no idea about anything. Her mom only questioned it once and her dad is clueless. I'm not sure what the winter reference means?
@ItsmeMatt,
It means time is passing. Especially for you.
You two are adults, for cripes sake.
Start out by going shopping in public. Daytime lunches. Walks in the park. Sports events.
Go from there.
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