Reply
Tue 28 Dec, 2004 10:34 am
In case you dont remember i'm the one who likes the guy in AA. He was 2 months sober, but fell off the wagon twice in 2 weeks. He calls me everyday, and we're supposed to see each on new years eve. When he hangs up with me he always tells me he misses me. Last night we were talking and he made some comment about me being worried that i wouldnt be able to kiss him again. I jokingly said, i'm sure i can find someone else to kiss. He was like, i'm sure you could, i dont know why you dont. That comment kind of upset me. He was like, you're smart, attractive, you've got all the right credentials so i dont know what you really see in me. He then went on to say that he is a loser and doesnt even have a drivers license. I was like, well i guess you dont think too highly of yourself. He kind of changed the subject, but then i said, well should i not be liking you then? He just said, well that's for you to decide.
I dont know what to do...one cant help who they like. I know the smart thing for me to do would be to just say, this guy has issues right now and he needs to work on them and get his life together before he can have a relationship with anyone. But then there's the part of me that says, hey maybe this could work, we have fun together, etc. I know everyone will give me the adivce of, let him go...but it's easier said than done. I know he and i will talk this weekend, he may even tell me he's unavailable right now and i'll have to deal with that.
Diana,
He is in AA. For that, he should be commended. There are many more people with drinking problems that never make that step. Falling off the wagon is probably common at first. The main thing is he got back up and got right back on that wagon!
He was probably downing himself to you in order to get your reaction. To get a feel for what you think about him deep inside. Perhaps even hoping that you would disagree with him.
You already know that he has a life long battle ahead of him. In my opinion if you are willing to accept that.......go for it!
I thought that people in AA were not suppose to get into relationships until they had completed their program or something like that. Correct me if I am wrong or if I am referencing another program/group.
That's what I thought also.
It could be, diana78, that you two cannot do much for each other at this time in your lives. He can't give much because he's going through AA, and you can't give him much support right now because of your own insecurities. If you want to keep it going, good luck, but if I were you I would work on my own issues in the hope that, indirectly, you can improve the relationship.
Good luck.
Diana--
I seem to remember that in your earlier thread you said that you saw no reason for you to stop drinking because you were interested in a guy in AA.
He was clean for two months--but since dating you he's had two lapses.
Are you sure you're a good person for him to date right now?
re
well i wasnt even with him when he got drunk-he had called me on the phone from somewhere else. I really havent drank around him. I cant control his drinking. he did tell me that i'm the only person who monitors his drinking...when we've gone out there have been a few times where i asked him if he had drank anything and he even went to order a drink adn i told him no. I dont know if that annoys him or what but he didnt get the drink.
If he's relying on you to get him through AA then you are both in for a lot of heartache and pain. No one can make him stop drinking except for him. By you "monitoring" him, you are remaining his crutch. He needs to stand by himself. I'd stay away from this man. If for no other reason than because you really do care about him. He needs to get his head on straight and his life in order. And the only person capable of making those changes is him.
Like a moth to a flame...rescuer and rescuee.
Please don't tell me how the story ends.
I refrain from writing my opinion.
re
wow lots of positive responses.
We havent had sex yet.
HOnestly relationships can be a good thing, they often bring positive things into anyone's life. My therpist even told me when i was single that having a relationship can really be a self esteem booster.
It's funny because i posted on a few other boards about alcoholism and they said these relationships can be done.
Humm, I dunnooo.......
How old are you? How old is he?
And did I read it wrong...are you in AA too? Or just drink?
If you just drink...and your comment about.."why would you have to quit drinking just because he's in AA?" Excuse me, but thats unfair and a lil selfish especially if you want a relationship with him..somethings are best left alone in a situation like that. Thats like taking the fat kid in a candy store leaving him alone and telling him to not to touch. There maybe some things your going to have to give up in order to have a relationship with him, one being alchohol.
And...thats IF you do want a relationship with him?
But think about it this way too...maybe you like his dependence on you. He falls off the wagon, you pick him back up......?
re
no i'm not in aa. I drink occasionally but not often. I dont drink in front of him. but what suprises me is that his parents drink in front of him...they lost a son two years ago, i'm sure it's rough, but i dont think they should be drinking in front of him. No i dont want to be picking him back up. I'd love it if he just stayed sober, but he called me drunk last week. It made me really nervous. the next day he didnt seem to want to discuss it.
Quote:
diana78 wrote: My therpist even told me when i was single that having a relationship can really be a self esteem booster.
You're probably taking your therapist's comment out of context.
Diana sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If you can find some one else go there. Time with a drunk is wasted in my opinion.
If he is serious about stopping drinking wait a year or so and see if you still like him. I have heard it takes a minimum of six months for the real personality to emerge from the drinking person's personality.
Disaster is right. As a general rule; if someone tells you they're a loser, BELIEVE them. He's setting you up for an "I warned you" down the road. Panzade summed it up brilliantly. There is something you
need to read:
Click here
Occom Bill--
Good link.
Diana--
You wrote:
Quote:My therpist even told me when i was single that having a relationship can really be a self esteem booster.
Did your therapist suggest that some relationships might possibly be better than others?
Did she hint that some relationships might be mutually destructive?
Did she suggest that a guy might have other goals than boosting your self esteem?
Or even that you might have something better to do than boosting some stud's self esteem?
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace