Sex issues, who is to blame?

Re: Sex issues, who is to blame?


* completely understandable *



Perhaps you are giving a cruel person control of your life.



Quantifying just cannot be done without, at least, hearing both sides. Generally, with relationships, however, it is about both people.



Please don't give anyone else that power: "living well is the best revenge."



I wish you well in that endeavor, however, might I please suggest you not think of us wimmin-folk as 'game?'

You might want to get some counseling or therapy in order to understand what happened (and still seems to be happening) with you and this relationship, even before looking again. There's no shame in that; also, it does not indicate blame. It should provide you with some clarifications of what you ask of us.





.............rightbackatcha..............

Thanks. Sorry, about that, bad choice of words. I was rather upset. I'm far from being a "player". Too much of the sensitive guy for that, should be evident from this. No offense. Again, I apologize.

No offense taken. I was trying to lighten the mood with that comment actually. So, no need to apologize!

Any of my post helpful or did you just need to vent?

Want more replies?

Exactly. You already know the answer. What you DON'T need is a hypercritical shrew who tears you down. If you are smart, you would move on, and forget about this destructive woman.

Move on, fast. She ain't worth it, and she's dating someone else, anyway.

Most people wouldn't treat vermin this way. Love should not come bundled with cruelty.

Go forth and be happy (suddenly I sound biblical), there's a big wide world out there, far bigger and better and more exciting than her narrow, cramped view allows.

Let the new year bring you a new life. :-D

I'm not really helping here, I just got a kick out of the above. When a girl gives me oral sex, it's great and everything, but I have some kind of evolutionary thing in my brain that won't allow me to come unless we're having sex.

That, or every women I've been with is just lousy at it.

HI Windstalker...

Get rid of the alley cat. Thats all she is.

I'm just going to be blunt about this. So hang on here.....


For a woman to brag to her lover about her experiences, and the fact that the "issues" to be dealt with aren't hers, because of HER being experienced...is just plain trashy. She has set a standard or performance in your head...for you to live up too. Therefore, you can't relax enough to have a good time for worrying about... your performance. That lies within her to relax you. If it was me...I'd wouldn't want you to do anything that you felt you had to live up too. If its love as she says, she'd take you anyway she could get you...and enjoy your intimate time together. Us women...may brag, but its to our girlfriends and not other halves.



Sounds like to me, she's just using you. A very cold hearted woman at that. Your not a loser, just someone that caught in this spiders web.

Move on..........

That's part of it. Even before we met she told me she'd been with more guys she could remember. And all the time we've had issues she's said that it's never been that way with anyone else and tells me about this one in a million awesome virgin she was with who was as deft and good as some Don Juan or Lord Byron.

Says she's been with plenty of people before and after me (we've had breaks in our relationship) and they are surely not down to her (the issues), so it's got to be me. Great, cancelling out each possibility, the beauty of logic, except human minds aren't logical, something psychologists have know for long.

Why does she have such a need to claim her own innocence and why her never having these issue with other people being so important? I know it isn't true, she and her ex had issues too. But people make what they want of truth.
Also, why is she so extremely hurtful when she is talking about the issues we've had? She has told me times over I won't be able to have a working relationship unless I get help, that I am flawed et c et c. Made myself doubt my own chance of ever achieving that. Yes, that's bad, it's really bad. Breaking down my self-esteem, piece by piece.
No reason I should take it as it is emotional abuse and should in no way be accepted but it still makes me wonder why she has such a need to crack down on me.

But then we also spent time trying to fix things, if some things didn't work out perfectly, we could do other things that worked well, so we tried, we really did but in the end I guess it just wasn't worth the effort for her. If you really love someone you can do anything for that person and that's how it was, I'll sort you no matter what it takes, she said. But now, I'm no longer worth the effort, it seems. I guess that cuts the deepest, and makes me question myself and think about my "inadaquecies" and how much of what happen was due to me.
Maybe two people just aren't compatible sexually but it's an answer I don't accept here as there was absolutely not a problem for us getting each other aroused.

We had another talk last night, she was upset I hadn't called her for over three weeks (over xmas and new year's) after she told me she was dating someone and that I called her now. I told her I needed time alone, to find strength within myself, spend time with friends and time to think things over.

Yet she wants us to be friends, but friends don't need to speak to each other every day. Makes me believe she's as confused as I am.

In the past she has said that she loves me and wants to see me but to see me she wants some kind of promise that I am not having any more issues et c et c. So what I am asking myself is:
1) WHY should I possibly have to give that? and
2) HOW should I possibly be able to do that? Except sleeping with someone else, or seeing a therapist or something, I dunno. She's part of the solution, it's not like you repair a faulty gear and the machine works again, voila!

I've told her it's as much about her, which makes her tell me I'm just in denial and partly blaming someone else for my faults. But we have come far, me and her and I don't think we would have any issues as it is now but all it seems to be is that she is rationalizing. But there's trust to restore, much to restore.

I also told her it's not just about sex it's about having faith in people. If you love someone and believe in that person, it makes a difference.

I've told her we should talk about it but she said we have talked so much and she's tired of my "practicing" (verbatim).

It seems she is rationalizing. I was rather upset so my final remark was that my issues were mine to deal, I told her she didn't have to have in part in it then, fine, and that I'd find some girl who thought it was worthwhile being with me, if just for a physical relationship. It ended by her calling me a jerk.

So we're both as confused. She has feelings for me but rationalizes about them and use sex as the argument.
I can see her perspective, she meets this handsome guy and has needs like everyone and she is troubled and upset about the issues we've had. To her account, I should mention that she has done a lot, we have talked and tried, but in the end I just wasn worth it, maybe. I think there are still things to be said, and I think we could really get somewhere if we tried. The times she has asked me about how she was in bed she has been very defensive when I have dared saying something that wasn't positive. I can also think I've withheld thoughts on some matters as I didn't know how she would take it, thoughts on how we could do things differently, or how I would like it better.
So now she can consider herself sleeping with someone because she feels the urge to do so but me mentioning doing the same makes her angry and upset.

And this is tearing on me because I have very strong feelings for her, despite what has been happening. I don't know when I'll be able to move on. The rational thing to do is to return the coin and treat her the same way but that's both low and immature.

ForeverYoung is probably right, living well is the best revenge.

I don't know, doesn't seem like I could ever argue about it with her, even on purely rational grounds.

And now she texted me, says the core is that I am too juvenile, the physical side, giving her gifts, sending cards, all teenager stuff. Says the thought is great but I am not grown up on enough many levels yet. Smells like more rationalizing to me.

I replied and said she could rationalize all she wants if it makes her feel better about her choices and that she doesn't have to convince me she made the right decision.

Her reply was "Actually, I think it was you who made the choice".

Yikes, what a mess.

Glad you guys are here. I've had a lot to vent and no one to speak to, you guys are great. Thanks for all support and thanks for reading about my messy lovelife! It means very much to me.

It's strange that we have the strength to love the people that sometimes hurt us the most. Hmm...

I'm a 43-yr-old female, and I LOVE cards and gifts! They are definitely NOT juvenile, and to say so is just plain mean.

I have never asked a man what he thought of my sexual performance. I have never told a man about my past lovers (and I've had many) unless he specifically asks, and then the answers are only to what he asks. Most men do not want to know, and I respect that. I don't want the details of their past sexual relationships either.

I have never criticized a man's sexual performance. If I didn't like it, in the past, I'd just go elsewhere, no comments necessary. Really, I know that telling a man he isn't performing well will do NOTHING to make him perform better!

I guess my point is, this person is TRYING to hurt you. I'm sad if she's succeeded at all.

She IS trying to make you feel small, and that is her problem. I can only guess that's she's doing this to alleviate her own bad feelings about her self. Please try to remember that.

I know when someone's bashing you, you think, Is this really me? But from your posts (which is all I have to go on) you sound like a sensitive, caring person who LOTS of women would give their eyeteeth for.

I agree that you should not treat her as she's treated you....and so many people would just do so, without even thinking about it. But that would just drag you down to her level. You deserve better.

My advice: find someone else. It's so darned easy these days to find someone on the internet. Not that you're looking for everlasting love at this point, but just talking to and being with a different person can make you realize, hey, it's really not my fault, I really am OK! You know, a date, some chat, not any more unless that's what you both want. I think you need some input from other women, as nobody is as bad as she says you are.

And more advice: go ahead and vent. We don't mind.

Oh, and you don't need to tell her in advance (in my opinion) about seeing someone else. Given the state of your relationship at this point, it's none of her business.

BorisKitten: Thanks for writing. I really needed some kind words now and your post made me feel a lot better about myself.

Referring to what you said about arguing with her, there's a saying that goes:
"Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience."

Thanks for posting!

Dear Winter:

I will re-read these posts again if you say to, but somewhere I missed What it is that you "love" about this woman. What is your definition of "love" and how does she fit in it?

In complete agreement with BorisKitten, my summary would be similar.

duce: Well I've come to realize that there's not much love left here, seems it died a while ago. You can only take as much.

BorisKitten: Our issues stems from anxiety and pressure rather than an inability to fulfill the needs of each other. Making each other feel comfortable is something that we both should be concerned about.

I'd written a few emails explaining how mutual these kind of problems are making some final plead for her to make her realize how it concerns the both of us. I asked her to tell me what she wanted, whether her "love" for me was worth it, hoping for some kind of reply that actually made it seem she cared. She replied to all of them with one message saying she is romantically involved with someone now and didn't even deign to address what I had written. Funny how she told me barely three weeks ago how she was so torn and still loved me but still dated this guy. "It's not like I'm getting married.". Ha.

So she talked to me briefly a half an hour ago telling me how selfish I have been merely focusing in my needs in my emails to her and said I should look at them in a few days and spare her my sarcasm. Guess the other side of the coin would be how selfish she acts towards me in order to justify her own actions. It's sadly ironic.

She's just a treasure hunter hoping the grass is greener on the other side refusing to deal with the issues and alievating herself from all sort of involvement or part in our relationship, distancing herself from whatever that could make up any kind of criticism of her. So I just told her I hope she finds someone better.

Porn is the answer.

no reply from me tonight; I post to look tomorrow.

Ha, I guess I did reply and need to review myself.
How embarrassing.

Winter:

In order to be successful, relationships require 2 people committed to growing togther. If she was not willing to do anything except complain/blame, you are better off to try and grow in some other direction.

In a no time at all you'll wonder why you wasted so much energy on this, that is IF you remember her name. (It might be best to try and forget this one or just chalk it up to BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, MOVE ON.)

It will take time but your pain will lessen. GOOD Luck. It seems to me you are a caring person with alot to offer. "Don't cast your pearls before swine""

You got that right! Your strength and all your goodness is still there. Don't let her make you believe it isn't.

Big hugs to you. Your future is brighter already!