Santa...The Real Story..

TO: President Bush (aka "Karl Rove")

FROM: Pat Robertson

cc:
ATF - Waco, Texas Division
IRS
Michael Powell c/o FCC
F.A.A
N.R.A
C.R.A.P. (Conservatives for Repealing American Principles)


SUBJECT: Santa Claus, et al.

Dear Mr. President,

As you know -- based on information from exit polls during the November Presidential election -- we've continued our massive focus on the "moral values" cultural war in America. We hope to further the divide between Christians and those evil, intellectual, elite atheistic humanists whose goal appears to be to turn this great nation into a population of Darwinistic Sodomites who take steroids and think that war is something Jesus wouldn't approve.

In light of this ongoing opportunistic crusade, I've been asked by the leaders of the CRAP (Conservatives for Repealing American Principles) to request an official investigation into the recent activities of a man known as Santa Claus. We're not sure if this is his real name; he's been known by a number of different aliases over the years, including Kris Kringle and Saint Nick, (aka "Nicky") -- which indicates a possible Sicilian connection. (That alone is reason for suspicion. See RICO for more.) I've also asked the Internal Revenue Service to reassess his current non-profit 501-C status due to improprieties within his organization.

Claus is described as an overweight Caucasian male with long hair, a disheveled beard, and rosy cheeks (often a sign of alcoholism). ("Homeless" is a descriptive word applied to the initial physical impression made by this aging degenerate.)

He's often identified by his constant use of the word "Ho," which indicates a connection to Negro drug lords and/or rap music gangsters.

We also suspect ties to various extremist homosexual groups; he apparently shares living quarters with a large band of diminutive males who dress in funny outfits, including extremely short pants and green nylon stockings.

We were tipped off to this situation by a song that has been associated with this radical group; it includes the lyrics, "Don we now our gay apparel..." a hidden reference to the effeminate uniforms worn by this bizarre and potentially dangerous cult. This song has become somewhat of an anthem for this gang of corrupt zealots, and further evidence for a homosexual agenda is the inclusion of the line, "fa-la-la la-laaa" -- a well-know esoteric greeting used among sodomites, perverts, and extremely well-groomed men from the Castro district in San Francisco, California.

We also suspect him of being a pederast, in that he spends a lot of unsupervised time with children; rumor has it that he prefers intimate conversations with the children while they are forced to sit on his "lap."

His specific political agenda is unknown, although we suspect he has strong ties to left-wing Communist and/or Socialist organizations. Not only does he live in a commune that shares possessions equally among all members, but he has been known to gather items of value-- including toys and games--and redistribute them to the peasant masses according to a Marxist philosophical and economic ideology.

Mr. Claus wields a dangerous amount of dictatorial domination over his followers; a Christian Coalition informant was able to infiltrate his headquarters at the North Pole and spent a horrendous six weeks among Claus and his sodomizing, miniature minions. The informant observed the use of standard brainwashing techniques, and characterized Mr. Claus's all-encompassing power over his followers: "...he knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good..."

Other possible violations of American laws:

Spying - Mr. Claus participates in unauthorized flights over sensitive strategic military locations throughout the United States. His spy aircraft, which uses eight tiny reindeer as a means of propulsion, has not been approved by the Department of Transportation or the FAA.

(Note: NRA lobbyists have pointed out that his flights coincide with deer hunting season, and that they will exercise their legal right to participate in the sport of their choice, despite the danger it might pose to people on the ground. There are some reports that indicate Claus is actually an angry immigrant from the Hmong tribe in Laos -- who not only doesn't respect hunting property boundaries, but might have access to automatic weapons and be a damn good shot! In case of a direct confronatation, excercise extreme caution -- and for God's sake, don't wear Blaze Orange!)

Tax evasion - due to his location on the polar ice cap, he pays no local or state taxes, despite the fact that he conducts interstate commerce throughout the United States on an annual basis. He has applied for corporate headquarters status in the Cayman Islands, and we're working with the Commerce Dept. to instigate a swift denial of that application.)

Trademark violations - Each year, millions of dollars worth of bootleg products are produced by his illicit factory; he participates in the manufacture of unauthorized, unlicensed, and fraudulent toys and games, thereby depriving income from many legitimate American capitalist institutions that serve children: Mattel, Fisher-Price, Philip-Morris, Budweiser, Ritalin, et al.

Breaking & Entering/various acts of vandalism - Claus has been known to invade the homes of innocent American citizens, damaging shingles, chimney flues -- often leaving a trail of destruction, cookie crumbs, and spilled milk.

Sexual Assault - Numerous children have testified that they saw "...Mommy kissing Santa Claus..." (--which doesn't necessarily contradict previous evidence of his deviant homosexual behavior, but only confirms the bi-sexual nature of his immorality!)

Scary Anagrams - LAST BUT NOT LEAST: the letters in the word 'Santa' can be rearranged to spell 'Satan.'

What better scientific, empirical evidence can possibly be required?

Thanks in advance for your intervention, strong-arm tactics, opportunistic media manipulation, and persecution with extreme prejudice.

God Bless America,
Pat Robertson