Miss Communication

Do the two of you have any common interests?

Yeah, what Freeduck said. My wife and I talk about our common interests. We even talk about, and listen to talk about, those things we don't have much interest in but know the other one does. Because a relationship is not all about me, me, me.

You start off your post with this very telling comment...."Her problem......Communication." It is not just her problem, it is your problem as well. Maybe she is trying to show you that a relationship is about more than sex. Maybe she wants to see if other aspects of a successful relationship is there outside of the sex. So get yourself in gear and talk to her. Chat about her day. Make yourself interested in what she did during the day (whether at work or at home). Take her to a movie and then talk about it afterwards.

If you love her, then take the initiative to do whatever it takes to open the lines of communication. If you are too bored with what you two have to talk about, then the relationship is already headed into the tank.

ethros, if you don't mind my asking, do you happen to work in an engineering/technical field?

You hit the nail on the head with that one!

been into IT since i was 9 (no, not kidding) and im 24 now, why do you ask?


And we hardly have any common interests. She hates going to the movies or out anywhere in large crowds..so movies or any normal stuff couples do is out of the question.

I only really have one interest..and that would be computers or anything related to. I work as a network admin and i also repair computers after work. I support us, and she does the house work.

We've tried to find common interests in the past with no luck...but any suggestions would be appreciated

What has your relationship been based on so far? How have you gone three years?

Well, I guess I understand something about one's head being someplace that is not easy to communicate to someone else.

My only suggestion is to take her out and both of you get mad drunk. But on a serious note, you are still young so it might not hurt you to look for other things that interest you besides your work. And if you get lucky you might find something that she also likes. How about a sport you could play together? Recreational soccer, volleyball, flag football?

Why doesn't she get a job or volenteer somewhere? She probably sits around all day waiting for you to come and talk to her. I would be pretty bored if I was a girl who didn't have a job. I'm not suggesting that she is 100 % at fault here. I'm just saying that she needs a life too so she's not so dependent on you for conversations.

My father is in engineering (retired); Mom is a retired librarian. They've been married for over 49 years.

So it's possible for the two tribes to be together, but it takes effort. The way that you probably communicate and, in particular, communicate your care and concern, is with actions. My Dad does not bring roses; he fixes the refrigerator light. He doesn't recite poetry, he makes sure that the food shopping is done. He doesn't take her dancing; he takes the time to listen to what she's saying. He supported her when she got her Master's degree and took care of her when she was ill.

My Mom doesn't understand what he's saying when he tells her he updated the house's wiring, so to express her gratitude, she makes sure that he doesn't have to worry about family stuff -- she's the one who remembers people's anniversaries and birthdays, even on his side of the family. She makes sure that they have a social life, but she doesn't overdo it. She often does much of the talking, as she knows it makes him uncomfortable.

They were equally responsible for raising my brother and me. They were recently here, and anyone could see how they complement one another. I don't mean that they say nice things about each other (although they do); what I mean is that they each have strengths and weaknesses, and they mesh them.

But they've also had a great deal of practice with all of this.

My suggestions:
1) It was said before that she probably needs a job or some other outside interest, such as a class. I second that. If she is depending on you for all of her social life and communications, she is going to be sorely disappointed in life. She needs to reach out to other people and have a life outside of couplehood.
2) For your part, make sure to ask her about things, how her day was, what her interests are, where she'd like to go, what she'd like to do, etc. Even if she's been doing nothing but scrub the floors all day, she'll appreciate feeling a part of the conversation. A big part of communications is listening, so you can spend most of the conversation listening, but you'll probably need to kick-start things. And, you'll need to use what are essentially noises that indicate interest and listening. You've heard them; we've all heard them. They're words like "I know.", "I understand." "I see." "Really?" "I didn't know that." "How interesting." "Wow." "Tell me more." "I didn't get that, could you explain it again?" "Do you think that could happen here? (or to us?)" etc.
3) If she doesn't like crowds or movies, try for other forms of entertainment. What about skiing? Or horseback riding? Or going for a walk? Or a train ride to some out-of-the-way place? Does she have interests in certain areas? If so, try to play to them. For example, even if she doesn't like crowds, if she likes dogs, she might enjoy a local dog show. Go early, before it gets too crowded, and leave when it gets overwhelming. Over here, there was a dog show at the Bayside Expo Center last month. Tickets were less than for a movie (we didn't go because we ended up hosting my parents, but we were considering going). Another idea is to take a night class together. Adult education tends to be small groups. Why not learn to cook together, or do a short acting workshop?
4) Sometimes, pressures to communicate result in people shutting down completely. Silence is a form of communication, but pay attention to body language as well. You might want to just sit and read the paper, but if she's fuming, you should be able to tell. After all, you've been together for years. You should be able to read her moods, set the VCR to tape or put the paper down and concentrate on her.
5) Don't let sex be the be-all and end-all of things. While you are interested in it, and it's, to some extent, driving things, she needs to know that you are interested in her as a person and are not doing these things just to score. All relationships go through sexual ups and downs. Being together for so long means that that was inevitable. So recognize that.
6) One last thing. Make sure that you are desirable, cute and fun. Of course no one is that way all the time, but take a tip from the fellows from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Their philosophy is that all of the grooming, decorating, clothes, etc. is mainly for you, but it's also for her, for the women in the lives of the men that they work with. Because, bottom line, if those women are happy, then their relationships with the men will be happier. Hence, more intimacy. A $400 suit is no guarantee of sex, but if you run around in torn clothes all the time, with a haircut that last worked in the 70s and in a house that looks terrible, no one is going to be happy, and that's going to translate into less intimacy and not more.

Let us know how it goes. I'm always interested in engineers (Not only is Dad one, but so is my father-in-law, and my husband is in the field. So engineers have a special place in my heart). :-D

Ugh! The dreaded communication problems.

Totally agree with the Coastal Rat (cute icon, by the way)-- this communication problem is BOTH of yours. When we assign responsibility to one person, we therefore put the blame on the other person-- assuming none for ourselves. Don't be that guy.

I also agree w/ the insighful soul who said that your lady need a j-o-b. Mental stimulation!!! My brain would leak outside of my EAR if I had to stay home and depend on someone else for conversation!!!

In all seriousness, I actually just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years over something like this-- there was no sex, no talking, and eventually no love. If you don't want it to go that way, things have GOT to change.

Now let me ask YOU a question, my sweet Ethros--- are YOU bored? Be honest.

B/c I was bored. I was dead bored, really. And once you acknowledge your boredom, you can begin to figure out what needs to be happening.