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Thu 14 Sep, 2017 12:03 pm
Hello and thanks for taking time to read this post, really appreciated.
Long story short;
-Been in a relationship with a girl for half a year. Been doing great.
- We had been dating for a good couple of months before making it official between us two, things were great.
- She had to take a trip abroad with her friend - while we were still dating and came back after a few weeks.
- She came back , things were still good and we decided to make it official .
- A few months ago, she confessed that while she was abroad, she did something sexual with a random guy at a club and that she has regretted it and wanted me to know about this since we are together now. She said she felt horrible for not telling me back then.
The problem NOW;
I've got major trust issues. She's about to go on an other trip abroad with her friend and I'm honestly shivering in the thought of what might happen there. They are going to be staying in mixed dorm hostels because , as she said, "We are so boring and want to meet up with others and go out to have a good time."
My stomach gets sick in the thought of a night out with random dorm strangers and alcohol.
What do you reckon I do? I've talked to her about it and she said that's she's not gonna be doing anything stupid.
I just can't get over it in the first place. Any suggestions?
Also, I've started seeing a therapist regarding trust issues but I honestly can't seem to find comfort at the moment.
@merd4,
You need to feel it's okay for her to do this. When she did her random hookup, you were not an official couple. I realize it's bothering you, but it's not too terribly different from something she did 12 years ago.
Tell her you'll miss her and set a time to either text or facetime and stick to it. If she blows you off, then you'll really know where you stand.
PS Good on you for getting help on your trust issues.
You were dating. You liked each other.
She went on a trip. She hooked up with someone else.
When she got back, you two really bonded and made it 'official'.
To me that means you then became "exclusive." Perhaps up until that point, she may have felt that there was not that much to really hold her to you.
Unless you can put this behind you and live for today, you are going to drive her away.
The problem itself is not if she will have sex with another dude again.
The problem is that she confessed you that she cheated on you once.
This is a case beyond trust.
Lets check.
Even when it wasn't official, you were dating for two months.
As soon as she went out of the city for a while, she just accepted having sex withanother guy.
If she kept in silence forever about what she did, then surely both of you will be happy, because you will trust her, even ignoring the truth from your part, both of you can be happy.
But now, you have doubts about her, and doubts kill.
Then, don't look at her and don't look for her.
First, think about you.
Do you really need a therapist when just by ending the relationship will make you lose the woman you love but you will recover peace in your life in exchange?
If you can forgive and forget the first cheating on you from her part, then continue your relationship with her. But, if thinking about it causes you harm, then let her go.
Recover peace in your life and find another woman.
Thanks for your time and input everyone so far.
I really wish I could just stop thinking about it and make it not as important. But it is important because of the way I've learnt to see and perceive things in life.
The question at hand is what the best way to handle it would be at the moment.
Should I just let it go and see what happens with no other mentions about it or perhaps sit her down and have an honest talk about my fears regarding her last trip and the one she's about to have soon?
@merd4,
Don't lecture her like she's a child.
Talk sbout the PRESENT. Assure her that you trust her and that she understands the meaning of exclusivity now so you aren't going to worry about you and her. .
Then get something to do while she's gone. You are spending WAY too much time about something that happened before you were really committed to each
other.
@merd4,
Like the Dalai Lama said...“Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back and reasons to stay.”
She confessed what happened abroad to you because she felt horrible not telling you. If something would happen again during her trip abroad, I wonder how long she would be able to hide it from you without it being obvious?
If you really can't trust her 6 months into the relationship, how long can it last?
If you really love her, give her a chance to prove you can trust her. Don't doubt her yet.
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