Fri 8 Sep, 2017 08:56 pm
I met a woman online about 2 yrs ago where she had posted she was divorced but was actually still married and her husband left her and was seeking a divorce. I told her she needed to finish her divorce before we could date because I don’t date married women. She then began coming around unexpectedly and showing up at my door which I told her she couldn’t do but she continued to do anyway. Another reason we could not date is because she was not a Christian. She fought me against being a Christian until one day I happened to look over and see her with her four daughters in my church. I later attributed this to her checking up on me to see if I was at church with anyone else. I told her I was not happy about her stalking me like this. She then joined my church despite the fact it was nowhere close to her home. She was persistent to say the least. After her divorce was final, she continued and I wasn’t dating anyone so I thought, “If she’s going to be this persistent then let’s see where this goes.” Before I go any further, she has been married three times with I believe all of them leaving her. I know of at least one marriage where she had an affair. She also had a live-in failed engagement which she refuses to call a “marriage” although I’ve argued what the difference was since they were living as a couple with her children. I call it four marriages. In her last marriage, she said she and her husband had three counselors quit on them. She has two older daughters from one marriage and two younger daughters from her latest marriage. Fast forward another year later after we’ve begun dating and I’ve never questioned why men have left her. I have 14 Facebook friends (really relatives) and don’t use Facebook yet she insisted I friend her. I explained I didn’t want to and she persisted. I agree and immediately she jumps into examining my “friends – family” I must have added from years ago. She wanted to know who this person was, how I know her, why I had her as a friend. I explained she was a cousin I hadn’t seen in 30 years. She went so far as to investigate everyone. Fast forward, I find she has a bunch of single male friends that are on her Facebook page and she tells me “they are just friends” though they only “like” photos of her and none of me with her or her with her kids. I then find her chatting with old male friends about her past relationships from college – none of which would be ok for me even though my “friends” include only cousins and my mother. In another instance, I suggested that she and I go see La La Land since I knew she liked dancing. Instead, she decided to take one of her daughters and invited me within one-minute notice of the movie starting and let her daughter believe it was her idea. She has made plans with her girlfriends and when they have fallen through then asks if I’m available though she doesn’t make plans with me. After all of this persistence in trying to date me she seems to now have no idea how to treat a relationship. I should mention that we went to counseling also and the counselor did ask her, “Do you know what a relationship is?” Probably one of the worst things that happened was that she got drunk and pushed me in my home slurring her speech and telling me how much better at 45 yrs old she is than any woman who is 20. I asked her to stop and she pushed me and it got physical while our children were with us. I asked her to please stop and that she needed to leave and she refused. I was bleeding from both of my arms where she had grabbed me. I threatened to call the police once and she still refused to leave. Her daughters pleaded with her. My children were scared. I finally had to call the police and she was removed. They said I would have to file charges and she would be arrested to be able to document the scratches and blood. Not wanting to have her daughters picked up, I declined to have her arrested. Over the following weekend, I never even received a thank you for not having her arrested or an apology. She’s asked me to setup meetings with my female co-workers so she could introduce herself. She has called me a loser, beer bellied, chicken legged, and then afterward didn’t apologize but when confronted about her words she said she was drunk. She got drunk and tore up my closet, knocked mirrors off the wall and then left my home. When I confronted her about it she said she mistook my closet for the bathroom. But she never apologized or offered to fix it. She investigated some of my exes and sent their pics to her daughters and asked them to compare her to them. I asked her in the middle of an argument to break the cycle of the argument, “How can I pray for you today?” Her answer was, “What? You don’t pray for me every day?” I once asked her to tell me more about her daily life with her girls and how she makes that all work, and her response was “I’m not going through it all again. I’ve told you before. Can’t you create a spreadsheet for their schedules?” She admitted deceiving her second husband into having a second child with intentions to divorce him – she said. But then she had an affair and I suppose he divorced her first. I had coffee shops bookmarked on my Yelp page so I can try them out because I am a reader and like to sit and read and drink coffee on weekends. She saw my bookmarks and because of this called me a deceitful bastard and she would never take me back. She has added me as a family member on Amazon for Prime. When we fight she removes me. She has a board on her Pinterest pages that say,”Loving [my name]” and when we fight she takes them down. And it’s a vicious cycle of putting them back up and taking them down. I can go on and on about the numbers of ridiculous things that happen. Everything I read indicates extreme narcissism. My question to you and this forum from a woman’s perspective is – what is this relationship? She has never once complained to me about any of my behavior or actions. The only arguments we’ve had which seem to be weekly is in regard to her behavior. I’ve said all of this and much much more to her and I’ve told her repeatedly how she treats me and she comes back and says things like, “Why don’t you just love me?” or “I still love you.” I have not even held back on my words to her knowing that I’ve never said the things I’ve said to another human being first, to determine if she even has a pulse as to the horrible things I’ve said and second, because I thought if I said the worst of the worst things to her that she would know its over. Yet afterwards, I will still get, “I still love you.” What is this nonsense? To me she is the most beautiful woman in the world and she is my perfection. Relationally she seems to be the worst. Not just with me, with her exes, four marriages, and her second oldest daughter even punched her and now they are in counseling. By the way, the oldest daughter and her have also been to counseling. The only two people in her life that haven’t gone to counseling with her are the 3 and 4 yr old who don’t know any better yet. Any advice, truth and honesty you give would be well appreciated. Thank you!
Advice? You have probably heard it before and just won't accept it: the lady does not know how to have a relationship. The proof is in her past and her present.
I think you need to go to counseling to find out why you think this woman is your "perfection." Any healthy minded man would avoid all the craziness.
But some guys, like you, enjoy all the excitement of living in a crisis mode.
Honestly, I just kind of skipped through to the end and then scanned back up.
I saw "... most beautiful ...". I understand how it might appear that she was
"made for you". I don't give stay or go advice. You know what you can handle.
I saw the part about "blood on both of my arms from where she grabbed me."
That would have been enough for me to say ( as a line in a song said)
"Come back when you grow up, girl."
I admit I sort of stopped reading about 1/4 of the way through. Is there any particular reason why you haven't accepted that this woman has some serious issues and moved on?
Thank you for your response. I think because she seems to have issues with every relationship in her life that as far as our dating relationship goes she isn't treating me necessarily worse than everyone else. I'm 45 and there aren't too many options out there. She's also 45 and in the way men go, she is truly my physically ideal woman in everyway. I've been dating and divorced for 5 years and she seems to be good with my kids and at this stage of the game everyone at this age and stage has issues. I suppose that is why.
Do NOT settle here with the hopes that you can (or should) fix her. I would genuinely encourage you to seek out some counseling to look at why you are accepting her behavior as "okay" and think you aren't going to find a better suited partner.
Thank you all for your replies. Would love to hear from as many as want to respond. It actually gives me encouragement to know I'm not crazy and strength to move on if necessary and to know this is not ok. I often think we are in things and we can't fully see the big picture that everyone else easily sees. If anyone thinks I'm wrong I would like to hear that as well. Thank you all.
I think because she seems to have issues with every relationship in her life that as far as our dating relationship goes she isn't treating me necessarily worse than everyone else.
I guess if she doesn't treat you worse than anyone else, you can take that as encouragement.
Seriously, cut her loose and don't look back.
You need that psychotic woman out of your life. I'm so sad for her children.
She doesn't love you. She has no idea what that means. She's mentally unwell, and she's been trading on her appearance to manipulate men. That appearance
won't hold up forever, but the crazy personality will.
If you're in a relationship with her, you bear some responsibility to those children. Either extricate yourself from her life, or sign on to a crazy, dangerous, blood-soaked carnival ride of senseless accusations and 911 calls, and dealing with four crazy little offspring hurricanes who'll treat you the same way in your waning years.
.... I'm 45 and there aren't too many options out there. ...
Bullshit. There are tons of options and there will only be more as you age.
Wake up and smell the coffee before she splashes you with it and scalds you with it.
She's abusing you. Full stop.
That's not perfection. That's a recipe for her maiming or killing you or your children some time in the future.
No, I am not being overly dramatic.
You don't need this in your life. Weekly arguments suck. Life does not have to be this way.
Kick her to the curb, block her on every form of communication possible and inform your local police that you believe she will stalk you.
Then get some damned counseling and find out why the hell you think being treated like **** is perfection.
She looks good... Amazing what most men will put up with for looks.
Sorry to say, whether she's changed or not.. she's a powerful intruder with intentions. Are you sure it's not out of desperation that you're being with her?
You seriously need others to tell you what you must already know?
I have only one question. In what way is your life better with her in it? Seriously. Is she contributing value to your life? Does not sound like you are getting anything out of this relationship other that turmoil.
Cut her loose.
Thank you all for your responses. It's been one week and I have initiated no contact. The last response I got from her was last Saturday to say, "I found 'the one' and I suck" which I didn't respond to. I have zero clue what that means as I've always been accused of cheating or looking and I can honestly say I have zero female contacts as even friends or co-workers. No idea where that came from. I supposed when I didn't respond to that on Saturday she shifted to email on Monday and said I was petty and had no dignity. So I haven't responded since last Saturday and I haven't heard from her since last Monday. I sincerely appreciate your responses. I've since learned I might very well be dealing with a narcissist/psychopath as she strongly met (with specific examples) 13 of the 16 characteristics of psychopathy. Any other advice would be appreciated. Your words help me get through the week with no contact. I just kept reading them again and again reminding myself what this looks like to the rest of the world.
Wow. So all you needed to do was stop contacting her?
My apologies. I wrote that too quick and didn't read it. To clarify, she said that I must have found "the one" and that I suck. I have no idea what that means or why she would accuse me of finding someone unless she was just mad that I quit responding. Then the email two days later from her said I was petty and had no dignity. And yes, it is very likely she will be at my church and I do not want to change churches since me and my children were there long before she showed up.
She's just trying to rile you.
And yes, by all means, go to your church like normal. And don't engage her. Go, do your thing, hang out with the people you like if you wish, talk to the pastor, etc. Then go about your life like everyone else does.
You're right; you were at that church before she showed up. When she gets bored (and it might just take one occasion of that, as she sounds that wacky), the church won't hold any interest for her anymore.
It doesn't matter what she meant by anything.
Ignore her. Do not contact her to clarify. Do not contact her for any reason.
Go on with your life without her. Go to your church. Spend time with good friends. Talk to your friends at church, at work, elsewhere. Ignore her and her family.
Your life will be much more pleasant.
If you have not already blocked her on your phone, email, social media - do it now.
Take back your life.
If / when you are ready for a new relationship, consider talking to your pastor about it.