seeing my husbands therapist

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My husband has a therapist he has seen for 3 years now. She , from what I can tell, is a wonderful woman and what a therapist should be.
Well, given our paticular living situation, MY stress level is through the roof.
My husband, wonderful man, took it on himself to talk to his therapist about giving me some time and a place to vent. She offered her services to me . He thought about it for a few days trying to decide if I would be comfortable with it, told her he was ok with it. Then told me. Of course, I was excited. A dumping ground ... for me??? Oh my.. I loved him sooo much at that moment. >sigh< :-)
Now the problem with this is that my issues are all about his mothers behaviors. How she has come between us, how she is acting like a teenager. ( example )
Thanksgiving.. she was NOT in the mood to celebrate. Understood ( she is still grieving.. yada yada yada ) So, him and baby and myself pack and go to my aunts house. We have a wonderful dinner, baby loves it, I love it, it was nice. We stayed out until about 10.
When we got back home we could not get in , the door was chained shut from the inside. She DID let us in, I went upstairs put our daughter to bed and heard her talking to my husband. She was drunk. ( wich was a HUGE problem befre) She said that she was angry we didnt want to be with her and that if we didnt like her we should say so. That she cant help it she is not our friend..etc..etc. Made my point?
So here is the dilema.
I am not sure how polite, fair and acceptable it will be to make my husbands councilor the place for me to dump about HIS mom. I love him. he loves me,, he is VERY realistic about what is going on at home. He is very realistic about how hard it is to live with her.
BUT.. it is still his mom. This is the one person left in his family. This is the one person he has to grieve his father with. his mom is his friend..
Am I over thinking this??

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no, i think you should try another counselor...not that i think the counselor couldn't be professional and separate you two ( after all that is there job) but if YOU are uncomfortable already you might not vent as freely as you would with another counselor....just my opinion.

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They always say to have a seperate counselor from your mate; one who is wholly seperated from your mate. You won't feel uncomfortable or inhibited with someone who has no idea who he or his mother is.

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The counsellor can deal with you separately. A good counsellor will tell you if there is a conflict s/he is uncomfortable proceeding with.

If there are issues you've both identified separately that she thinks would be useful for you to address together, she can approach you both about it.

There are pros and cons.

How easy would it be to get a different counsellor?

It does seem that given that life with his mother is one of the issues, going to the same counsellor is probably a pretty good idea.

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shewolf--

Conflict of Interest would apply if your husband was the major stress in your life--unless, of course, she was working with you both in joint counseling.

Your husband is not the problem--your mother-in-law is. A therapist is not a Hit Man--you can vent to your therapist and when you go home your m-i-l is still going to be smack, bang in the middle of your living quarters and your life.

The therapist will help you cope--not by changing m-i-l, but by helping you change yourself (providing you're the sort of light bulb who wants to change).

You write:

Quote:

I am not sure how polite, fair and acceptable it will be to make my husbands councilor the place for me to dump about HIS mom. I love him. he loves me,, he is VERY realistic about what is going on at home. He is very realistic about how hard it is to live with her.

BUT.. it is still his mom. This is the one person left in his family. This is the one person he has to grieve his father with. his mom is his friend..
Am I over thinking this??

Yes, you are being overly cerebral about your m-i-l issues. Your husband already knows his mother is a woman with considerable talent for crazy-making. You won't be spilling any deep, dark family secrets to the therapist.

If she were the most wonderful woman in the world, the two of you would still have some conflict. The Chinese character for "strife" is drawn with two women under the same roof.

You are not using the therapist to come between mother and son--you're using the therapist to make the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship more harmonious.

Stop being over scrupulous about somehow jinxing a mother/son bond and start your homework. Thanksgiving was horrid. Can you do some major planning so Christmas will be merry?

Hold your dominion.

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Like willow, I would go elsewhere, just on general principles.

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Or .... you could use the ever-friendly and helpful couselors here on A2K. We're here to help. You can vent all you want, and we're reasonably priced. :wink:

Mothers-in-law... I happen to like mine, but my wife does not care for my mom. I can't convince her of my mother's charms, her unique way of doing things, that when she say "this" she really means "that", etc. I cannot change my wife's opinion, and I don't try. Noddy's right ... I'm sure there is an inherent conflict in the relationships between wives and their mothers-in-law.

I suggest you stay away from her as much as possible. Explain to your hubby that in the interests of your mental health, it is better that you limit the time spent with his mom. It sounds as if he's already aware of the conflict. Try to ignore her as much as possible. Also sounds as if she hits the sauce and becomes difficult (or more difficult).

As far as a conflict of interest, I don't see an inherent one. If the therapist is any good she will be able to spot any potential problems in that regard. She will need to get your husband's consent, and she will not tell him anything that you tell her; nor tell you anything he tells her. That would not be ethical.

Good luck.

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Agreed Tico-on all points.

BTW she...you got a hell of a mate...just so you know.

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If there were an easier way to get a diffrent councilor, it would be done. But hubby gets his sessions free through EAP. ( employee assistance ) AND since I have no personal insurance of my own, what we can get , we take.
I am ever grateful for his consideration of MY feelings by asking his councilor for help. He is wonderful. You are right pan. ;-)

As for the MIL. Having 2 women under the same roof is hell. You are exactly right Noddy. And it is coming more so.
My hopes in using his councilor is that i have a place to pop MY bubble about this. I am not looking to use this woman as a fix-it for the MIL , I am just looking for a dumping ground. She will provide one. A dumping ground is important for me because I need a place to vent, cool off and basicaly empty my tank of anguish. I dont want her to be more then that for me.

I dont necessarily feel uncomfortable about the things I have to say. Mr wolf knows exactly what is going on i nthis house. He lives here too. He was locked out too. He has been ridiculed too. So it isnt like it is a big secret.. that is a good point. i think it just lies in me.
He knows I do not like his mother. Her behavior ISNT grief,,, this is who she is. You dont learn to abuse your family members just because you are grieving.. this is learned behavior that has deep roots into her entire life. There will be no changing her. Just coping.

So I guess.. the conclusion I see myself coming to is asking Mr wolf if he realizes that all I amgoing to do with this hour i have at the councilors office is blowing off steam about his mom.
logical conclusion.. right? I mean, HE isnt the problem. HE isnt my stress. HE isnt damaging me. Unfortunatly it is all her . So that is what it is going to be about..... her.

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oh yes tico. I forget.. A2k is full of free people.
Good suggestion. ;-)

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Oh.. i kind of did forget to mention something.
The councilor... ( Monica.) is really pulling strings here.
I cant just use her because hubby does. She has to write up the reason as being -couples- counciling. That way she can give her services free and I can have time for me. This was her offer.
Really.. she is doing us a favor and goes through hoops she doesnt have to, Monica would handle this very well and keep us seperate if necessary.

we loooove monica. haha. She is truly a good woman. She is in the perfect profession and i wish all councilors were like her. This isnt the first time she has gone above and beyond to help my hubby.

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Take advantage of the offer that is being made.

Please don't talk to Mr. Wolf about what you'll be talking about - until you've talked to Monica about it.

<takes semi-retired pro hat off>

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Mr wolf knows. him and i had a long talk about our situation and how his mother was making me feel.
it was a few days after that when he asked monica about letting me talk to her.

im just afraid it will be disrespectful to hubby to talk about his mom. that is why I figured.. well.. just ask him? But THAT in itself may push some unwanted buttons too.

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I agree with the folks who tell you to go to hubby's counselor, for a number of reasons. A decent counselor will not reveal what is told by one client to another client.......it is unethical. Besides the practical implications, there is one thing that no one has discussed yet.

If you go to another counselor, you are really on square one. You have to start right from the beginning. By going to your husband's counselor, she already has a sense of your family dynamics from working with your husband. That can be a real time saver.

I think that you will find that a counselor is more than somebody to dump on. If she is any good, she will help you to learn more effective ways of coping with the situation.

You want to dump, you've got us on A2K!

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good point. Very good point. I forgot.. she knows what is going on too. She hears from him, probally alot of what she will hear from me about MIL.
>sigh<

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shewolfnm wrote:

If there were an easier way to get a diffrent councilor, it would be done. But hubby gets his sessions free through EAP. ( employee assistance ) AND since I have no personal insurance of my own, what we can get , we take.
I am ever grateful for his consideration of MY feelings by asking his councilor for help. He is wonderful. You are right pan. ;-)

As for the MIL. Having 2 women under the same roof is hell. You are exactly right Noddy. And it is coming more so.
My hopes in using his councilor is that i have a place to pop MY bubble about this. I am not looking to use this woman as a fix-it for the MIL , I am just looking for a dumping ground. She will provide one. A dumping ground is important for me because I need a place to vent, cool off and basicaly empty my tank of anguish. I dont want her to be more then that for me.

I dont necessarily feel uncomfortable about the things I have to say. Mr wolf knows exactly what is going on i nthis house. He lives here too. He was locked out too. He has been ridiculed too. So it isnt like it is a big secret.. that is a good point. i think it just lies in me.
He knows I do not like his mother. Her behavior ISNT grief,,, this is who she is. You dont learn to abuse your family members just because you are grieving.. this is learned behavior that has deep roots into her entire life. There will be no changing her. Just coping.

So I guess.. the conclusion I see myself coming to is asking Mr wolf if he realizes that all I amgoing to do with this hour i have at the councilors office is blowing off steam about his mom.
logical conclusion.. right? I mean, HE isnt the problem. HE isnt my stress. HE isnt damaging me. Unfortunatly it is all her . So that is what it is going to be about..... her.

Raise the concern with the therapist on the phone - or at the first session, and talk it through and see if you feel ok about it then.

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another goo dpoint i didnt think about . I do have her number. . ..

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seeing my husbands therapist

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