Reply
Wed 15 Dec, 2004 06:21 pm
hi, i'm writing music reviews for a french webzine and i'm going to do the same for an english site. if someone would be kind enough to read my reviews and tell me if i'm heavy-handed, if my writing is awkward, or even if some of the constructions i'm using are totally wrong, i'd be extremely grateful:)
here is my first review, feel free to be very severe!
MILES DAVIS - SKETCHES OF SPAIN
Miles Davis is a genius, or at least an extremely talented artist. Sketches of Spain is one of the most well-known albums of Miles Davis. If some already jumped into the conclusion that the 1960 lp issued by Columbia is a masterpiece, let me contradict them right away. Sketches Of Spain is surely not an atrocious piece of garbage, but certainly can't stand comparison with such impeccable works of art as Kind Of Blue and Bitches' Brew.
Obviously, most of the success of the record comes from the first track alone, an adaptation (let's not call it a cover, please) of a piece written by the contemporary Spanish composer, Joachim Rodrigo. After a friend had played him the concerto a few times, Miles said that he couldn't get the tune out of his mind. His long time associate Gil Evans soon started to rewrite it and extend the middle section in order to adapt it to the coper instrument (it was originally written for guitar and orchestra).
As mister Davis said, the melody is incredibly addictive, not to say catchy but 87 percent of the credit (feel free to correct any wrong calculation) goes to good ol' Jo Ro. Jazz lovers sometimes have a grouchy side and it's no surprise the venture has been criticized as not being inventive, as being pretentious and pointless and even as not being jazz in substance nor in form. I'm not backing what I consider pure bitterness but the result is all the same, I don't like these 16 minutes of music. The problem lies in a certain drowsiness rapidly invading me. After looking for a bit of soul for the first few minutes, I can't help starting to snooze or thinking about other things depending on how good my sleep was the night before.
The other tracks, all based on Spanish culture and music and the later three composed by the conductor, are a mixed bag of fun and disappointment. Fun because of the intro of saeta and its colourful fanfare or the interpretation of a score originally written by Manuel De Falla on will o'the wisp. But Miles Davis produced milestones that gave birth to a genre (Birth Of The Cool, Kind Of Blue and its modal approach or its electric counterpart, Bitches'Brew). He also experimented like no other did (the dated, but entertaining, funky and synthetic Tutu). In comparison, this tribute to Spain, with its not to successful emphasis on flamenco, sounds rather mellow (but that's intended), pale and wan. You could argue that this disc is just different but if your craving for rich orchestrations and Davis-Evans collaborations is too strong, I'll advise you to check out Porgy And Bess first.
Gil and Miles were ambitious when carrying out this project and you can't really blame them for that but once again, with such essential works in his repertoire, I'll recommend you to give this a try after you already digested a good ten of the records played by the son of a well-off family who loved to play the punk. As for Gil Evans, Out Of The Cool and The Individualism Of Gil Evans are better places to start with. You guessed it, Sketches Of Spain is probably a bit overrated.
Re: proofreading
Hi Posso
I'm only going to have a go at the first paragraph
possopo wrote:MILES DAVIS - SKETCHES OF SPAIN
Miles Davis is a genius, or at least an extremely talented artist.
Is he or isn't he? Feel confident in expressing your opinion, this is a review, let us know what you think.
possopo wrote:
Sketches of Spain is one of the most well-known albums of Miles Davis.
You've used his full name twice (three if you include the title) in two sentences - I think saying 'one of his best-known' is fine, we know who you are talking about, and also gets rid of a word.
possopo wrote:
If some already jumped into the conclusion that the 1960 lp issued by Columbia is a masterpiece, let me contradict them right away.
This sentence is overly convoluted for the point you make - maybe you could quote a more positive review and state that you're disagreeing. Certainly it needs to be worked on.
possopo wrote:
Sketches Of Spain is surely not an atrocious piece of garbage, but certainly can't stand comparison with such impeccable works of art as Kind Of Blue and Bitches' Brew.
I'd be happy for you to refer to the album as 'Sketches' now. Stay away from 'ly' words - you could remove 'surely' and it doesn't change the meaning of the sentence at all - so why add it? 'Certainly' and 'such' sit in the same boat.
Mechanically speaking, as an exercise, try saying what you can in as few words as possible ie strive for economy. You've got something to say, don't let the words get in the way.
A review is a challenging form, balancing information and entertainment. You've got the basis for it - an opinion, all the rest is decoration. Goodonya.
A quick rewrite....note preposition use, tenses and use of subjunctive ("would" instead of "will")
Miles Davis is a genius, or at least an extremely talented artist. Sketches of Spain is one of the his best known albums . If some had already jumped to the conclusion that the 1960 LP issued by Columbia was a masterpiece, let me contradict them right away. Sketches Of Spain may not be an atrocious piece of garbage, but certainly it doesn't stand comparison with such impeccable works of art as Kind Of Blue and Bitches' Brew.
Obviously, most of the success of the record comes from the first track alone, an adaptation (let's not call it a cover, please) of a piece written by the contemporary Spanish composer, Joachim Rodrigo. After a friend had played him the concerto a few times, Miles said that he couldn't get the tune out of his mind. His long time associate Gil Evans soon started to rewrite it and extend the middle section in order to adapt it to the coper(?) instrument (it was originally written for guitar and orchestra).
As Davis said, the melody is incredibly addictive, not to say catchy but 87 percent of the credit (feel free to correct this figure) goes to good ol' Jo Ro. Jazz lovers sometimes have a grouchy side and it's no surprise the venture has been criticized as not being inventive, as being pretentious and pointless and even as not being jazz in either substance or form. I'm not backing what I consider to be sour grapes but the result is the same, I don't like these 16 minutes of music. The problem for me lies in a rapid soporific effect. After looking for a bit of soul for the first few minutes, I can't help starting to snooze or thinking about other things depending on how well I slept the night before.
The other tracks, all based on Spanish culture and music ( the last three composed by the conductor), are a mixed bag of fun and disappointment. Fun because of the intro of saeta and its colourful fanfare or the interpretation of a score originally written by Manuel De Falla on will o'the wisp. But Miles Davis produced milestones that gave birth to a genre (Birth Of The Cool, Kind Of Blue and its modal approach or its electric counterpart, Bitches'Brew). He also experimented like no other (e.g. the dated, but entertaining, funky and synthetic Tutu). In comparison, this tribute to Spain, with its not too successful emphasis on flamenco, sounds rather mellow (but that's intended), pale and wan. You could argue that this disc is just different but if your craving for rich orchestrations and Davis-Evans collaborations is too strong, I would advise you to check out Porgy And Bess first.
Gil and Miles were ambitious in carrying out this project and you can't really blame them for that but once again, with such essential works in his repertoire, I would recommend you to give this a try after you already digested a good ten of the records played by this son of a well-off family who loved to play the punk. As for Gil Evans, Out Of The Cool and The Individualism Of Gil Evans are better places to start with. You guessed it, Sketches Of Spain is probably a bit overrated.
I have not corrected punctuation. I would have altered several commas.
fresco wrote:
Quote:but certainly it doesn't stand comparison
this looks weird to me. why not "it certainly doesn't stand comparison"?
Quote:the coper(?) instrument
copper:)
meaning the trumpet.
my original line was "As mister Davis". i was trying to put a touch of humor there. it kind of works in french -well, some will always think it's garbage-
my question is: is it absolutely not funny in english? it was supposed to be funny because it's a bit heavy-handed.
Quote:the result is the same
i wrote "the result is ALL the same". is it heavy-handed or just wrong? i don't really understand the distinction given by this word. if you could explain it to me:)
as for some other corrections, it's very hard for me to understand why a certain sentence looks nice and another doesn't. for instance, you changed "The problem lies in a certain drowsiness rapidly invading me" to " The problem for me lies in a rapid soporific effect". i guess i just have to read and read and read to make english a little bit mine.
hinghead wrote:
Quote:you could remove 'surely' and it doesn't change the meaning of the sentence at all - so why add it? 'Certainly' and 'such' sit in the same boat.
i'm always trying to use as many little words as possible to sound more english (well, less french or less basic). hence, the ALL in a previous exemple. i'm obviously wrong:)
about the very first problem. i used mile david twice in the first two sentences of the review to make it look mathematical: A is making good material. B is a famous piece made by A. hence, B is good.
thanks very much both of you for what you did:)))
everyone who feels like joining the class (as a teacher) is very welcome:)))
possopo wrote:hinghead wrote:
Quote:you could remove 'surely' and it doesn't change the meaning of the sentence at all - so why add it? 'Certainly' and 'such' sit in the same boat.
i'm always trying to use as many little words as possible to sound more english (well, less french or less basic). hence, the ALL in a previous exemple. i'm obviously wrong:)
Not wrong - it's just a style thing. I tend to favour getting a message across in as few words as possible. 'Surely' etc work fine in conversation, but I think when you're reading they are just noise.
I would never have guessed English was not your first language, the things I picked up on I would expect in anyone writing a formal piece for publication for the first time, that drive to be flowery and flourishing. When you start analysing things that think have been well written you see that they are deceptively clean and simple.
possopo
"can't stand comparison" is weird to a native speaker because "can't stand" usually means "dislike" which sets the wrong semantic nuance.
"As mister Davis"
not funny in English
..maybe " "maestro" Davis" for a bit of irony (with maestro in quotation marks)
"the result is all the same"
wrong
.."all" implies plural of the noun "result" as in
"the results are all the same"
. however the expression "it is all the same to me" IS allowable perhaps because "it", although singular, does not imply specific boundaries of the (grammatical) object whereas "result" does.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace