I dont know what to do with myself

Do you mind her cheating on you/swinging?You sound like you dont mind.

How old are you both?

Why did you get married?

Are you staying together for the kids sake?

Do you feel like you want to swing/sleep with other people too?

Did YOU enjoy the threesome?

I dont think this can be discussed without being a tad nasty about your wife so brace yourself.
It seems to be that she is doing her own thing and doesnt care if she hurts you in any way.

If you have 'let yourself go' this shouldnt mean that she finds you unnattractive.Im hoping she married you for reasons other than your body.

Seems youve given up alot for her and she just wants out of the marriage and this is her hurtful and wrong way of doing it.

Do I mind...Not really, I guess I just feel really left out because these guys are not only getting sex from her, but the kind of sex I have been trying to have with her for years (Her being open and experimental)

She is 27, I am 26

I proposed to her in 1998 because i had gotten her pregnant. That said I still love her so much it hurts.

We have had near/trial separations before (nothing over 2 weeks) usually we would get together mainly for the kids and try and sort ourselves out. In the past our conflicts have been over money, friends, jobs etc. I think perhaps this time we have actually hit paydirt.

In some cases yes...She actually wants me to go out and experience people the same way. I dont know if this is so much an alleviation of possible guilt, vindication of further meetings, or possibly she may just want me to not be left behind (so to speak)

I didnt mind the threesome, I thought it was great that she was enjoying herself. I just felt a little left out basically they had sex with other and I helped.

Additional info:
She was a virgin when we met. Until recent events I have been the only guy she has even french-kissed. In some cases I think to myself maybe this is just a phase she is going through. She has mentioned she is exploring her own sex. Usually after a loud "WELL YOU SET THIS UP" or "I'M ONLY DOING WHAT YOU WANT".

Update: last night she admitted that the issue over "Unattractiveness" is more something she has to work out and get over. She has asked me to be patient with her. I just dont know how long I can live like this. She even treats cuddles now like an annoying formality.

I suggested what about if I went to gym and got buff?
She thought that COULD work.

Thing is, I havent really gained or lost any weight, nor toning in the past 8 years. I am no he-man by any stretch.
I am just me, 26 y/o, 5'11", 185lb with 11 tattoos and thinning hair...Is this the problem?

The guys she is having sex with arent exactly the greatest specimen's either. At least even she admits that.

In the end I love her too much.

She sounds like a woman who is never satisfied. If you can deal with being told what to do for the next forty or so years, just keep doing what you're doing! Good luck with all that.

Hell why not...I went from being told what to do by my parents, to the navy, to marriage.

I was given freedom once for 2 weeks and had no idea what the hell to do with it.

I guess I am jealous as well because it has always been me making changes, spending time/money etc. to make the marriage/sex work. Her definition of making an effort is "I let you have sex with me didnt I?"

But she is actually taking thee time to worry about how to dress, cooking for them and basically making an effort with these other guys.

I dont want to lose her.

I just wish i knew what i had done wrong so i can fix it.

Why do you think that it is YOU that is doing wrong?



So, instead of working on the marriage, she decides that having sex with other people will make HER life better. IMO, she is an immature, totally self-involved loser, who would break your heart without giving it a second thought.

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Force of habit I guess...

In some cases I would be inclined to agree with you. That said I DID set up the sex with other people thing (Didn't know what else to do) mind you I thought it was something we could explore together as a couple. Trouble is, if I tell her what I think half the time, she would most likely just grab the kids and leave me like a shot.

No...I just want her to love and respect me as I do her.

She will never love and respect you if you continue to behave like you have to go along with all her ideas, even if you really don't want to. I can't imagine why you would love and respect this woman. She is grinding you down to the ground at 26. Imagine what life will be like for you with her, when you are 40!

IMO, you need to see a therapist, and find out why you let this woman walk all over you, emotionally blackmail you, and humiliate you. Once you have that figured out, you may just decide that you are much better off without her. Good luck!

Thanks, I may just need to do that.

I'm worried though that if I was to leave her, how that would affect the kids.

Is this domestic abuse?

Divorce is always difficult for kids. Living with parents embroiled in a miserable marriage is worse for the children. One of the things that a parent who leaves needs to tell the kids is that it was NOT their fault, and that the parent will always love them.




Sounds like it to me.

Why do you assume that she would have custody of the children? I doubt that her present lifestyle would convince a judge that she's a good mother.

Interesting- That sentence sounds like classic spouse abuse.

Link to spousal abuse

Update:
Just got a call from her mum at work. Apparently she has finally decided that we need counselling. It turns out she wants to make it work.

Still doesnt make me feel much better. Last time we did group therapy it was hair raising. I was told to say what i felt and i did. She almost walked out there and then.

In Western Australia at least...The family court only lets the father have the kids if the mother is in jail.

My goodness!!!!!!Married in your late teens,theres the problem for you.

You say she was a virgin when you met.She didnt have time to experiment with sex before you got married and get it out of her system.She probably resents/blames you for getting in the way of her 'having fun'.

I suppose it may be the right thing to do but getting someone pregnant is absolutely no reason to get married.It doesnt automatically mean your realtionship is going to be blissfully happy, it just means the sperm hit the egg.

It must have been strangely therputic for you as you set up her sexual encounters.Im imagining it would feel better(if thats possible) to at least pick the people she sleeps with.

With regards to staying together for the kids sake.I can only say that its not always a good idea.Kids pick up on bad vibes and can obviously hear arguments.
They are going to look to you two to see how relationships work and if they realise their mum is sleeping wih other guys whilst married they may repeat her actions in their marriages.

Its so nice to here of a guy caring so much for his wife and marriage.

Personally I reckon if you want to keep her you should seperate for a year or so,let her get it out of her system/let her feel like she is single.If she still doesnt want to be with you at the end of it then it may be time to say adios.

My marriage has had it's ups and downs, but nothing like this. I would have high-tailed it out of there post-haste in your situation. You seem like a sensitive, caring man, and you deserve better.

YOU are the one making all the sacrifices, and she doesn't seem to care. I wish you luck with counselling, but if you've tried it before and it didn't work, don't get your hopes up. I hate to sound glum, but the more I read here, the more 'red flags' go up for me screaming "get out of this". She is using you in the worst way.

Yep, hope counselling works for you and its good to hear she wants to work it out but as cavfancier says you deserve better.

I have never been married and reading what people say on these forums, maybe it is better not to be.

Im not getting married til Im at least 40/50.

Im not against it, just its not for me right now.
Hopefully I will have found someone who will put up with me by then.

Its a bit like the lyrics of millenium


"Run around in circles, live a life of solitude
Until you find yourself a partner, someone to relate it to"