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Mon 13 Dec, 2004 08:38 am
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So two weekends ago i had met a guy at a xmas party. I knew his parents and ended up driving him home and staying at his family's house all weekend. We talked everyday after that and he came down to visit me this past thursday-we had a great time. I really like this guy.
One thing i had mentioned is that he is AA so i understand he is going through a lot right now, but he said it was ok. When we talked friday we talked about things a little i told him he seemed confused. He told me i was right about that and that he's trying to get his life together, but he knows he's not confused about the fact that he's attracted to me. i called him at like 2am on friday night, he was awake and we ended up having a really nice coversation where we said we missed each other and he said he'd be seeing me soon (next weekend)
so we talked again on saturday afternoon, great conversation. When we hung up i said i was going out that night, but maybe i'd call him again that night and wake him up. He just laughed and said, you're allowed.
So at 2am that night as i was driving home i called him-got his voicemail, left a message. I was hoping we'd get to talk. So about 10 minutes later i called again...no answer, i didnt leave a message. Finally at 2:30 as i was getting into bed, i called once again-didnt leave message. I just REALLY wanted to talk to someone so naturally i'd call the guy i like.
The next day i was wishing i hadnt called 3 times. I went out for a bit, came back at about 2 and saw that he hadnt called...at 4pm he still hadnt called so i felt more worried. I sent him text that said, sorry i called so late last night. I left the room for about 2 min and when i came back in, i saw that he called...i called him back, but got his voicemail, didnt leave a message. He called me back again and i picked up. He sounded fine and I apologized about calling. He just laughed and was like, you go to bed so late, you need to start going to bed earlier. I apologized again for calling, and he said, it's ok. I asked if he was mad and he said no...not really. I was like not really? He said he was jsut wondering what was going on and was like, did you just really want to talk or something? I was like, yeah i can be an idiot with the phone sometimes. He just laughed and said, dont worry about it. He asked what i had done that day, i told him, then he said he was at his friends house doing some work for him. I was like, do you want me to let you go? He was like, well why dont i give you a call this evening. I said ok and that we were having some people over (small xmas party). He said he'd call me at about 8 and i said, ok well if i dont answer just leave a message or something.
So at about 10pm he still hadnt called...i felt a little nervous so i sent a text asking, are you mad? no response. At about 10:30 i called, got his voicemail and left a message saying something like, im really sorry again about calling you 3 times last night, etc, if you dont want to talk to me anymore, just let me know. Still no call.
I am really upset. I realize that i should not have called 3 times, but there is nothing i can do about that now...damage is done. I guess i thought he'd be a little more understanding considering i am still talking to him after he has told me about his 2 or 3 DUIs, then fact that he's been to jail twice, cant drive for 2 more years, is in AA right now and isnt working...and he's going to get bent out of shape about me calling him 3 times late at night? I'm very hurt...i really want to call him again to apologize, but i know i shouldnt. I have apologized, ther'es nothing more i can do....if he wants to talk to me, he'll call. IT just hurts that he didnt call last night when he said he would ):
Quote:I guess i thought he'd be a little more understanding considering i am still talking to him
This guy is trying to stop drinking. You're the one who needs to be supportive and understanding. Harassing him is not on.
Remember what Calamity Jane said on your other thread?
Quote:I think you're quite selfish for wanting to see him and
you've mentioned numerous times now, that YOU like
to be with him, he makes YOU feel godd. It's just you, you
and you.
If you truly cared for the guy, you'd help him in other
ways to stay on track and attend his meetings, not drink
alcohol and stay focused.
Instead you go out with him, drink alcohol in front of him,
and despite all the concerns of not getting involved with
a newly AA member, you just don't care, because it's
not really fitting into your picture, isn't it.
Frankly, he'd be better off without you helping him, if
this is your way of showing help.
No sympathy from me! :thumbs down:
re
i truly have feelings for this guy...i guess i did come off as desperate...i just really wanted to talk to him that night ): It's not at all like im just going to go out and meet someone else. I actaully went to bed in tears last night. I jsut feel so stupid. I dont mean that just because he has a drinking problem he should put up with anything...i dont know what he's thinking right now, but he didnt respond to me asking if he was mad, nor did he call back to reassure me that he still wanted to talk. I was supposed to see him this weekend...now i dont know...
You gotta relax, diana! This keeps coming up with you. I understand that you were in a long relationship, and it's hard to get back in the swing of things. But your neediness and insecurity keeps torpedoing the most promising possibilities. (As FreeDuck said about introducing you to his dog, you were in -- if you wanted to be anyway, the AA thing is another wrinkle.)
Anyway, yes, what CalamityJane says keeps coming up in your posts. I'll repeat my advice to purposely remain SINGLE for some set time period -- 3 months, say -- and work on getting comfortable with that. It's self-defeating to be so very focused on getting a boyfriend, NOW -- just won't work. Figure out how to build a fulfilling life without a boyfriend in it, and go from there.
Re: re
diana78 wrote:nor did he call back to reassure me that he still wanted to talk..
He is trying to recover from drinking. He should not need to be in a situation where he is supposed to be reassuring you.
You need to get your own house in order - make some friends - just friends - people to hang out with - take some courses to keep yourself active - join a sports team ... You've had a couple of these threads where you meet someone, there is a phone number exchange or better, and then you panic. If this is how you come across IRL, there is clearly going to be a problem.
If he calls, consider inviting him somewhere where you can watch a movie together, go to a sporting event, have a coffee - and then go home separately. Try to learn how to be a friend.
Friends don't harass each other by IM/PM/text messaging/phone messages. They're comfortable leaving a message, and waiting. Because a friend will get back in touch - when they've got time.
re
i guess i had felt like we had become close...when i saw him thursday we were very affectionate, kissing a lot, talking about all sorts of things. We were both sad when he left that day...i'm just suprised i guess. I know he is definitely not someone for me to lean on for support right now.
If he truly is freaked out by what i did saturday night, i sure wish he would have just told me that on the phone yesterday instead of just not calling like he said he would and leaving me wondering. I would have been upset, but i just wish he could have said, look your calls bothered me, i think we both want different thigns right now. That's the feeling i'm getting from.
I told him on friday that he seems confused and he said he was, he's trying to get his life in order, but he knows he's not confused about the fact that he's attracted to me. I hope he still calls and we can still be friends...but him not calling last night has me doubting this.
Hate to rain on the parade, but if he hasn't returned the calls - well, I just don't see that as a problem. Sure, he needs you. Do you need him? I mean, being in AA is one thing. The multiple DWIs are quite another, and I question his motivation.
Yup. Men can hold out for days. Do not call him three times a day. Give him time, it is his turn, you must wait. If he won't hear from you, he will be intrigued and much more likely to want to talk to you. And don't call anyone at 2am anymore, I would not be happy if someone/anyone did that to me.
Diana - slow it down.
You keep trying to rush into things.
He needs to get things sorted out - so do you. As sozobe noted above, "your neediness and insecurity keeps torpedoing <snip> possibilities".
re
I know i was unreasonable on saturday night, really i do. I have had past issues of my own (bulimia, depression) so i'm harldy a secure person. I just feel that if was as into me as he acted and cared about me as a friend, he would not be this freaked out by 3 phone calls at 2am on a saturday. I just cant beleive that would be the end of whatever this is...
:-) at the snip. And agreed, actually.
re
do you think i've blown any chances of him calling me again?
wait, he was only supposed to call yesterday, right? calm down, give him a few days. be patient. if he doesn't call for three days, then you can start worrying. and then you can call him and ask him what's up. but nothing at this point indicates that it's over and done.
re
I think i beat kate hudson to the punch with 'how to lose a guy in 10 days.' ): i know i just spoke with him yesterday, but i dont have a good feeling about things since he said he was going to call me last night, then didnt. then he didnt respond to my message asking if he was mad and if he didnt want to talk to me anymore to let me know ): im just one of those people who has to know what's going on.
patience brings roses, as we slovaks say. don't call him for awhile and see what happens.
re
i just get excessive with the calling when it comes to guys i like...and it really does push people away...i dont know why i havent learned yet...and i get hurt everytime...i hope he can see past this, but i dont know if he will...i hate not knowing
<sigh> I echo the sentiments here that you need to back off. You are making this situation all about "you" when he has just started AA, and according to your other thread, he was drinking again when he was out with you. Don't be an enabler. It doesn't matter if it was only two beers, he should not be drinking at all if he's in the program.
Don't do things that may push him to drink again, if you want this to work out. Right now, you do not "have to know what's going on", he does. Give him space. My god, you've only known him for two weeks.
If you keep this behaviour up, I am guessing he'll reach for that bottle again in a heartbeat, you'll go into a shame spiral and heaven knows what else. You need a proper relationship, not co-dependence.
Calm down, sort yourself out, let him do the same, then revisit things at a more stable time. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have seen friends go through similar situations, and it just doesn't work unless both people are in a good place, mentally. Good luck to you both, sincerely.
Until you learn not to call/IM/PM/text message - you're going to have to do something like put a sticker on your phone that says "don't call".
I can tell you that a single 2 a.m. call would have been the end of things from me - and likely no call-back explaining it.
He seems like a guy trying to things work for himself - you need to work on trying not to make life more difficult for him. You say you need this, you need to know that - what does he need? and what are you doing to make things easier for him?
Not to pile on, but a last thought along those lines is that your actions are selecting for the ones who are going to hurt you. Your desperation makes it more likely that a) you'll scare away the decent guys, and b) the guys you don't scare away will be more likely to have problems, themselves. Setting yourself up for a destructive relationship.
re
i guess i felt ok with calling him so late at night for two reasons
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