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Sun 12 Dec, 2004 08:29 am
A friend of mine recently split with her boyfriend (I'm a gay man). I have known them both for six years. I am fond of them both. When they split the boyfriend (X) took it very hard (it was sudden, just before they married, no affair). X didn't look after himself for a while, he went to pieces. I made great efforts to keep in touch and support him through it as much as I could. Recently, he has started going out again with his male (very hetro) friends, clubbing etc. Now he has started being aloof with me on the phone. I get the feeling X is wary of me now, I think maybe his friends have made comments about him having a gay friend (it was never an issue before). Also I havn't and wouldn't make a pass at him, but I feel as though X is worried I might.
Should I just let the friendship go, we have had fun times together?
Am I being paranoid and maybe it's just a phase in his grief process?
Any advice would be gratefully received.
Thank You.
It could be that his friends are influencing him, especially if having a gay friend has never been an issue before. Have you asked him directly about your concerns, and emphasized that he has no reason to worry about you making a pass at him?
When couples split, the friends often split too, even if they don't want to -- into "her" friends and "his" friends. (Or hers and hers/ his and his.) You open your paragraph with "A friend of mine recently split with her boyfriend..." That could have just been a slip, but seems to indicate that your primary friend is the gal. The guy could be feeling that, and feeling like closing ranks/ not dealing with the girl who hurt him so much and her friends. Maybe he even feels like you should have cut off contact with her for doing such a dastardly deed, resents that you're being Swiss about it.
I don't know any of this for sure of course, main point is that MANY other reasons occur to me than just the gay thing.
sozobe wrote:When couples split, the friends often split too, even if they don't want to -- into "her" friends and "his" friends. (Or hers and hers/ his and his.) You open your paragraph with "A friend of mine recently split with her boyfriend..." That could have just been a slip, but seems to indicate that your primary friend is the gal. The guy could be feeling that, and feeling like closing ranks/ not dealing with the girl who hurt him so much and her friends.
This was my first thought here too. I think a lot of people expect the friends to pick a side when they break up. Even if you didn't pick a side and attempt to maintain friendships with both he may think you have chosen anyway.
You were HER friend originally, you are HER friend now. When your friend and this guy split up, you were someone for him to express his grief to freely. Didn't matter to him that you're gay. But now he's moved on and has no need to maintain a relationship with you. The fact that you're gay only compounds the issue.
As Soz noted earlier, who knows for sure but let's be for real here. How often does a straight man have friendships with gay men? Not often.
I wouldn't call him again if I were you.
eoe wrote:
As Soz noted earlier, who knows for sure but let's be for real here. How often does a straight man have friendships with gay men? Not often.
You are wrong - almost all my best friends are str8 and have no problems with me being gay
Really? That's great to hear. Times are a-changin'. At least in London.
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