how do you know when you find the 'right' person?

I don't think there's such thing as "THE" right person. There's always someone else better. Can you find someone that's perfect for you? Of course.

The real problem though, is focusing on finding this person. It sounds a little insecure that you want that great relationship so badly. There's nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend, but when you start telling yourself a relationship is necessary for you being happy, it's a problem.

Go out and bang as many guys as possible.

-trying to make the playing field easier for me.

Hi Careline! 

Superjuly here.

I am kinda curious about that myself. See, I'm 23 recently got out of a very unfulfilling relationship that lasted for 3 1/2 loooong years and that at a certain point I thought that it could be "it" too. Time passed, things changed and it obviously wasn't. I too sometimes wonder if I will ever find the one. I don't know, and frankly I don't care to know that right now because I'm young and I've got a lot to live. However, I think that there's no such thing as prince charming. But that's me. It doesn't mean that I will be settling for less than the best because whoever I settle with will be the one who's the best for me.



PS: Don't listen to what Slappy says. Or at least some of it.

helpful info for everyone... read replies...
I understand what Slappy says, im not badly looking for another relationship to get into, ya, i dont like being single, i love having someone to share things with, but I dont hate being single. The problem is, and i dont want to brag, but i get hit on all the time. I just dont know when the conversation is sincere and when its not, maybe it is because i am niave, but I want to think every convo is sincere, but i know it isnt. I want to believe there is someone for everyone and i will find the right person. But ya i do want the best relationship i can find, doesnt everyone? Are you, Slappy, settling for less than the best. I just dont want to find myself in another relationship and it fails, because i did settle for less than the best. I made a list, if the guy doesnt cut then, why should i settle? This post isnt to help me find that certain someone, but for everyone to think about how they want that certain 'right' person. Is their a right? What is the 'right' person entail? How do you know if that person is 'right'? This is for single and married people as well.
For married people, do you reget getting married to the person you did, are you glad you did? What makes them so right? and how did you know that they were the right person? Im interested... married people haev said i should never get married and other say they love being married...

PS superjuly, i loved you quote 'However, I think that there's no such thing as prince charming. But that's me. It doesn't mean that I will be settling for less than the best because whoever I settle with will be the one who's the best for me.' but isnt the person who you settle for your prince charming in the long run?

My answer? Again my dear. There's no such thing. IMO.

You're 20, right? Never mind what I said before. Do listen to what Slappy said. There's plenty of time.


edit note: Dammmn me not being able to keep my mouth shut sometimes.

The 'one' is whoever your with at the time. I also agree with slappy! :wink:

I agree with Sarah. One person might be the one for a long time - but things - and you or he - might change and he is not the one anymore.

I was in a 15 year relationship and believed that he was the one that I wanted to spend my life with. Then he decided he'd rather have a young blond girl instead of me.

It turned out that was just the right thing for me to happen. After being - more or less - single for 18 months, I met a man who was not at all what I was looking for. We got engaged after four weeks and married after nine months. After eight years, he is still the person I want to grow old with. BUT - that might change - you never know. At the moment, it is right and I enjoy every single day.

BTW, I am 42 now. And yes! There is plenty of time!

Yeah, you are naive. Knights in shining armor went out with the middle ages.

Having a man "scoop me off my feet" (I think that you meant, 'sweep') is describing lust, not love. Love is quiet, and builds slowly.

Agree with some of the above entries. Our image of what a relationship is supposed to be like is too much influenced by waht we see on TV and in movies. Whn we are young and not pockmarked by exerience of real life, we tend to expect things to be perfect and remain perfect for ever. Well, it ain't like that in the real world!

Being able to find satisfaction and appreciating little things are a true source of happiness, the pomp and circumstance of love are fickle.

Biologically speaking the giddy passionate feeling of "being in love" lasts at the most four years (only unrequited love lasts forever; W. Allen). After that, if your relationship is working, it will be replaced by the more slow-burning sentiment of feeling safe and comfortable with someone else, the mutual trust and support we call "love". And even that love has to be renewed and reconfirmed as years go by, for no one remains the same all life through.

If you demand high-rolling emotions, fireworks, princess perfect/prince charming-type relationships that come with a lifelong guarantee, you can expect none of your relationships to be satisfactory in the long run and may end up alone and disappointed.

Yeah.

Depends a little on what your "list" is. If it has things like:

- Listens
- Confident
- Wants kids eventually

Sure, that's reasonable enough. If for example you really want to have kids and the guy you're dating says he never wants to have kids, no reason to waste time (unless of course you're having fun and are happy with it being a short-term relationship.)

But if your list is:

- Makes at least $50,000 a year
- Blue eyes
- Brings me flowers at least once a month

No, that ain't gonna work. Who knows, you may find someone who actually fulfills all of those conditions, but you'll also be shutting out a lot of people who might be even better for you.

When you're young and hopeful you'll find all sorts of men with whom you can dance all night.

Ballroom dancing and pillow plumping are not necessarily qualifications for a satisfactory long-term relationship.

Phoenix and Sozobe have excellent advice. Cherish your memories, but keep your head involved for a long relationship.

I'm not at all sure that you can tell when you've met the "right" person, because, as several people have pointed out, both you and the person you meet are still growing. Predicting the potential consonance of two evolving minds and hearts beyond a short time is the sort of calculus problem no one can solve. And if you could solve it, you might not want to know. There is something inherently attractive about a reasonable level of risk.

If one is looking for a short-term relationship, there are probably lots of "right people." The same is true if one is looking for a long-term relationship, but these "right" people are not immediately identifiable; as they grow with you, they reveal their rightness--or lack thereof.

My wife and I have been married for 38 years, and, when people ask us the basis of our happiness over time, we always say "blind luck and hard work." That we were attracted to each other at the outset was, of course, important, but our marriage was possibly as much of a gamble as an arranged marriage. You really don't know for sure where you are or whom you're with until you've shared a few years (and even that is no guarantee).

In the course of our marriage and in observing other marriages that have worked out well, we have spotted a few personal qualities that have helped: both spouses listen carefully to each other (reading unspoken cues as well); both have the life skills to get along fine on their own, but they have chosen to live together; the one who's good with money is put in charge of it; both are at least semi-responsible (if children are part of the scene, then both need to be very responsible); each allows the other space to follow intellectual interests--or just to spend some time alone thinking; both believe deeply in the value of the relationship; both have a reasonably similar philosophical outlook; both can win or lose a "discussion" gracefully; both feel able to be themselves with their partners (very important); and both need strong senses of humor (because life is so unpredictable).

I must also say that using such a checklist is not necessarily going to help identify the "right person," because 1) all of these qualities can be faked short-time extremely well by someone who is a "deeply wrong person," and 2) we have seen a few marriages (without children) in which both partners are irresponsible and almost chaotic--but have been very happy together long-term.

Your own intuition about who's "right" is probably pretty good, if you keep your eyes, ears, and heart open.

Great relationships happen with work, not a look.
what makes a person ' the one' is that you two together work equally to create a fullfilling relationship.
that takes time.

Here's my take on it:

The "one" is not going to be the guy that is the sexiest, the kindest, the most romantic or the most perfect. The "one" is the person that becomes such a close companion to you (over time) that you cannot be apart from them.

I can't imagine life without my fiance, it's simply because over time I've evolved into a better person by being with him, and together we've been through so much that he is more valuable in my life than anyone else. He is my closest friend and companion, and we could be anywhere doing anything and still be happy for being together.

He was not the sexiest guy I'd ever seen (although now I've grown to love his looks ), he's not the kind that made me gasp in wonder when I saw any 'manly' or 'suave' nature. He was my best friend for a long time... we work because we love our personalities and hearts, everything else is second. We're attractive and charming people, but that's not where our love came from.
That's why I dislike the "knight in shining armor" concept.. it's unrealistic, and meaningless to find the 'perfect' guy. Find the perfect guy for YOU, not compared to every other man in the world, cause who cares about that? Find the guy that makes you the happiest, who cares if he's wearing armor, adored by all women and riding a white horse or not?

(I also agree with shewolfnm... highly agree, in fact)

And i you aurora.
Well put!
:-)

funny.. just a little side comment...
I was looking at my husband just the other day thinking the same thing. I thought it funny that the sexiest man alive to me is not the typical sexy at all. He is 6'7 and has a pudgy belly, fuzzy hair and just average looks to the average person that is,
but to me.. he is so SO sexy >siiiiigh<
and i was really thinking I was wierd for looking at him in such a realistic way.

If people realized that love is an action and not a feeling , this idea of a night in shining armor would dissappear.
Love is what you do for a person. Love is what you give a person, the feelings that come with that are secondary. But they are just that.. feelings. You cant FEEL love, you give love. And in giving love, you get the warm fuzzy feeling that people associate and mistake LOVE for.

Lots of good stuff here but wow Miklos great post. Blind luck and hard work, yep yep yep. I take a certain amount of credit for attracting and holding on to a pretty cool guy, but really a huge part of it was just plain blind luck.

Bookmarking. Be back tomorrow to read more of this very good thread.

Ya all need to watch some Sex and the City. Not only is it a great show, it helps give you some perspective on life and love. Yes, it's a television show, but hey, you can learn stuff from TV. Just don't think that everything they talk about is true all the time.
I think the take-home message from the show is that love and marriage is not the end-all, be-all of life. I'm a 21 year old female who has been engaged, and broke it off. I ended it because I knew I wasn't ready to get married. That was about 6 months ago. I've learned a lot in that 6 months and I'm starting to wonder if I should go back to him. Being away from him for so long makes me realize how great we really are together. On one hand, I know that if we don't get back together, it won't be the end of my life. But I also truly believe that I could be happy with him for the rest of my life.

Like careline, I've been known to be naive. I used to have this idealistic fairy-tale view of love that I've learned exists only in very special circumstances... like my parents, grandparents, and Shrek and Fiona. Examining my parents' and grandparents' relationships, I believe that the reason they have such great, long-lasting relationships is that they know they take work and energy. No one is perfect, and no one is perfect for you. If you realize that, you can learn to accept their flaws. Before getting married, think long and hard about yourself and know what kind of flaws you would be able to live with. I think some people just aren't the marrying type, because although they desire someone to be with, they just aren't tolerant enough.

My advice to careline right now is this: Live life the way you want, and don't worry about finding "the one". A person will be the one if you want them to be the one (and it has to be mutual, of course). :-)