Lying in a relationship...

thats sad, i believe all relationships should be open and honest. how can you truly know some one if the hide their past from you? my current boyfriend knows all my ex's and why each relationship ended (ok that came out wrong, i haven't really had a lot of boyfriends, just more than two). he shares the same information with me. we know each others friends , i guess thats helpful, if there was something big like about his past that he hadn't told me , his friends would mention it. how long have you been together, and how long have you been married? also how long ago was it that she was living like this? if its was ages before you met , or you have been together for a while and she hasn't been doing it since you met, then it may not be an extremely major thing. still wrong, yes, but just not so major. either way you need to have a really good talk about this with her and decide, can you still be with her knowing what you know now or can you live with it? if you cant, leave. i know its probably doesn't seem that simple , but it really is. i hope that helps and wasn't in any way offensive

I edited my original question fairly extensively… I'm really most concerned with whether or not my partner's past is any of my business… jealousy aside, which is a demon… in essence, I don't think people ever really change… once a cheat, always a cheat… I feel it shows an inherent lack of respect for others… ideally, relationships should be honest… but, that's not always possible… in fact, I imagine people spend most of their lives lying one way or another… but, there just doesn't seem much point in duping another person into a relationship they may well not want to be in if they knew the truth about their partner's past…

How many people you've slept with means nothing, and isn't the other person's business.

Obviously, if they HAVE to know, I'll tell her, but otherwise, it doesn't come up. What good will come out of that?

Your trust should be built on your current relationship, not how many people you've f#cked.

And puppies don't count as sexual partners, by the way.

Perhaps I'm not the right person to reply to your post... but here's my opinion for what it's worth.

I hate 'once a cheater...always a cheater' People 'cheat' for all sorts of reasons. I 'cheated' in my first marriage, and so did he. But that didn't end it, it ended because of other (more important) factors.

I have not cheated on Mr S, nor has he, as far as I know.... and even if he did, it wouldn't be the end of the world (but I aknowledge that I wouldn't be happy).

People's pasts are just that.... PAST, and unless your very young, everyone has 'one'. At the risk of sounding glib....it's all part of life experience! Your past 'colours' the type of person you are in the present, but it isn't a reference manual as to how a person will behave in a new and different relationship.

I would also like to say that 'promiscuous' is a subjective and emotive word. I would not describe anyone as promiscuous. Not that I don't have morals and vaues.....I do, they just don't give me the right to judge others based on their number of sexual encounters.

Jealousy IS a demon, and also a killer of relationships. If you like someone, and feel you may have a future, you are opening a new book together....with blank pages, and it's up to you 'how the story goes'.

I partially agree with Sarah.

Yes, once a cheater doesn't necessarily means always a cheater, but If once a cheater and he cheated on me, than that's a no no.
Trust is of vital importance in a relationship. IMO. The past doesn't matter, and it doesn't have to come up if not asked, but it shouldn't be hidden nor lied about.

I have things to discuss on this, but not until tomorrow, sleepy now.

Good night ossobuco!

A lot of editing, hard to read between the lines -- you say "duping another person into a relationship", I'm not sure what that means. A person is supposed to say, within 5 minutes of meeting, "Oh, I've slept with 10 people, how about you?" It seems to me that once the relationship has developed is when that would reasonably come out.

If you are from a culture or just personally place a high premium on virginity, that's your perogative, I guess, but that doesn't make it "right."

Both my hubby and I are jealous types, we know this and have taken it into account from the beginning. Neither of us know much about the others' past -- we got tested before we had sex, and that's all we really needed to know. Things have come out gradually, and I think we each have a pretty clear picture at this point, but we never sat down and like talked it all through, and I don't see the need.

We did talk about general issues -- the jealousy thing for example, as both of us had recently been cheated on and were both NOT happy about it. So we were happy to find someone simpatico. But we didn't go into like numbers.

I don't think you can generalize and say it always is or never is the partners business. Relationship situations are all different.

There's nothing quite like showing up at a office party and then finding out afterward that your new partner that you've been bragging about to all of your co-workers for the last 4 months has slept with 75% of them in the past or, even worse, is your boss's ex.

More important than the number of past relationships is the quality of past relationships.

If you took on the entire high school football team because you felt liberated..... or unloved..... or sexually curious.....this exploit might raise some eyebrows. I'd be more interested in why than in whether "the whole football team" included the substitutes and coaching staff or not.

Personally, I wouldn't be too interested in a guy who would boast to me of a string of pubic scalps. I believe that sex involves some degree of commitment to a partner.

Probably the String of Pubic Scalps Guy wouldn't be all that interested in me, either--he'd rather date a swinger.

The number of sexual partners is just that--a varying number. The key is in interpreting that number.

Thanks for your responses...

sushitaco--

In any relationship it takes two to tango. You have to accept her--she has to accept you.

Personally, I'd be more upset about the deceit and lying than about her sexual track record.

If for whatever reason you feel that she's not the woman for you, then break it off before the two of you are deeply involved.

The past belongs to her--the present to the two of you. Can you love a liar?

I'm not sure what you're looking for wanting to know about your partners past love affairs. Frankly, this would never
be a topic of mine in the stages of early courtship and later on
it shouldn't be either.

Sure, I'd like to know if my parter was married numerous
times and has a child to support, but past relationships are
not important to me, nor should they be for my partner.

If they are in fact, then we'd have a serious problem. I would
not get involved with a man who spends too much time
in finding out about my previous affairs, regardless if it
might be only 1 or 10.