the ex i just cant let go

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Hi All - i have a feeling this will be a very long thread!!! A bit about me...just divorced - get on well with ex hubby (we separated 2yrs ago) - 2 kids own home work part time - pretty average overall in life. (okk that bit was quick) now onto my problem. My Ex...not the hubby surprisingly!!
I met him in jan in a nightclub - eyecontact over a crowded dance floor...love at first sight for us both. Began to see eachother - then he has to tell me the truth about a few things - the night we met he told a few porkies - the fact that he worked was a fib, actually unemployed - i wasnt happy but just though o well never mind...later on after about another 2 weeks he sits me down to tell me reason une,ployed is because he is an ex-con...o and to top it all a recovering drug addict - now please please dont judge me. He was no longer that drug taking criminal that he was - i met him after he had been out of prison 15 months and 15 months off heroin, so it was very hard for me at the time. Especially as i am a mother, you would think i would tell him to sling his hook, but it wasnt like that. Anyway time goes on and he moves in - i work he takes care of home and kids - my kids calling him dad etc and i am in heaven. My only bugbear was that he was jealous insecure and posessive. Well that then led to him finishing our relationship as he couldnt trust me - unfortunately for me i am far too beautiful for my own good that men look at me and he cant handle that and thinks i was sleeping with all and sundry (his thinking NOT MINE!!!) he would check my mobile and question my every move, but i didnt really mind, as i love him and i knew these feeling were part of the addict recovery process. So we split, i am devastated. Then we continue to sleep together,,,,i know its bad......then he would go off on one and think i am seeing other men, even though i am single (but no i wasnt seeing anyone else) then stop contact etc - this has gone on for 3 months! " weeks ago was the last time i heard anything. The longest it has ever been. Mind you i did tell him not to contact (not that that has ever stopped him) I have changed my mobile number and barred his fone from calling my home number - how big and brave......but i still love him - still want him back - still dream of him - I am no love fool who is in love every 2 minutes, and i cant get rid of him from my head. I know truthfully he can NEVER give me what i want from the relationship - so why the hell do i still have this feeling that he is the one for me? how do i get over him - i promise i have never contacted him or slept with him for over a month and wont!!!! but i just want him so much - if he came to me and promised me the world,yeh i would believe him .... any advise?

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if he came to me and promised me the world,yeh i would believe him .... any advise?

Com'on- You know what you have to do. You are a mother of two kids who hooked up with a jealous, possessive liar, who is an ex con, and into drugs to boot. Now you are mooning over him. You are behaving like a sucker and a fool. You need to grow up, and put your priorities in order!

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You must really love him to be willing to accept him for who he is, no matter. It much sounds like he is missing out on a great opportunity to be with someone who trully cares. His loss.
Maybe he has tried to contact, but couldn't. If it happens that you guys do get in touch again, make sure you two talk about it. Tell him what you feel and assure him that you accept who he is and that he needs to trust you. Look into his eyes and ask him "Do you trust me?". Relationships are way rocky when there are trusting issues.

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

Quote:
if he came to me and promised me the world,yeh i would believe him .... any advise?

Com'on- You know what you have to do. You are a mother of two kids who hooked up with a jealous, possessive liar, who is an ex con, and into drugs to boot. Now you are mooning over him. You are behaving like a sucker and a fool. You need to grow up, and put your priorities in order!

That's some very harsh criticism Phoenix. The woman didn't "hook up". She clearly stated she fell in love...

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hi phoenix/super july

thankyou both for replying xx

phoenix, i know i am being a fool to myself...truly i do and if i had a switch on my heart that would stop my love for him i would have turned it off a long time ago!!! he has a very bad past - and i wont say i accepted it, i just dealt with it - on the whole apart from that he was loevly to me and a great father to my children. I know what i have to do "get rid" springs to mind, and i have tried, but unfortunately i have a heart and he has it.

super july, thanx, he knows how i feel - we have talked many a time - last time about 2 wks ago just after i barred him from foning me - the reason was - he called said he loved me ( i do know this) andi asked him what he was going to do - i cant live without trust, i am a trustworthy person. he said he wanted to go out and talk etc..then the next day he met me from work. said he missed seeing me, blah blah loved me blah blah. we arranged for him to come to see me at home the next day (my kids would be at their dads) - i foned him that morning frm my home num which would then show up on his mobile - it rang once then cut off - as it was early i thought he had dropped it - so i try again, it was switched off.........later that day (bear in mind he doesnt know my new moble num and i dont want him to have it) i txt him from a friends fone - "i tried to fone you this asm, and you switched fone off, a bit outa order i think, i thought u wanted to try and work us out? its so obviously not the case, do not contact me again." then i barred his number calling. Does this make sense - so altho it seems i am being evil and contradicting myself, i didnt know what else to do -

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merlin151- The man can only have your heart if you are willing to relinquish it to him. Maybe my advice was a bit harsh, but I do think that you needed a wake up call.

I understand that you are hurting, but you do not need to act on that hurt, if it is not in your best interest. Right now, your kids need to be the focus of your life. Keep busy.

Love is a peculiar thing. Once the hormones kick in, people do things that they would never do when their heads are on straight. I know its not easy for you. But be assured, that this overwhelming emotion that you have for this man will diminish with time, new interests, new relationships.

I know. I have been there, done that. Good luck!

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merlin151 wrote:

and a great father to my children.

Girly girly... I am no wiser than anybody else. Rather inexperienced in life to tell you the truth (I'm only 23) But this just sounds wrong. Your children already have a father, and as it seems, a present one in their lives. I think you should try not to involve your kids so much like this (calling him father?). The reasons you should or not "be with, accept, love, etc etc." this guy should nevertheless have anything to do with them. They can get really attatched...

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

But be assured, that this overwhelming emotion that you have for this man will diminish with time, new interests, new relationships.

Indeed.

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Phoenix

no you werent too harsh!!! probably just what i need really - i go out quite alot really as my ex hub has access to the kids most weekend - as for new relatioships.......i dont actually seem to meet anyone..even if just a laugh or company - it definitely would keep my mind occupied if i did do the rebound thing, but it aint happening.
My children have always been my first priority and always will be - they dont see or feel what i am going thru as they are very young, and i do hide it from them - its the nights that are the worst bit!!!
No i am not ready to reliquish my love for him at all - i think to myself i will get over you but it just aint happening - the main reason for that is because he would always get in contact - hense why i changed numbers to stop that, so i have tried to be brave and move on - but in the background i am still hurting - even my ex-hub laughs at me( told you we get on well) he says that i managed to get over him quite well so why cant i get over the ex? and yeah i did get over my marriage becuz i was no longer in love, in like would fit more

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I side with Phoenix on this one, plain speaking and all.

True love is a wonderful emotion--but labeling all affairs "true love" is both inaccurate and dangerous.

True love is not jealous and suspicious.

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No i am not ready to reliquish my love for him at all - i think to myself i will get over you but it just aint happening - the main reason for that is because he would always get in contact - hense why i changed numbers to stop that, so i have tried to be brave and move on

Just to show you how long I've been around, let me share this story. When my son was going to college, he fell madly in love with a real wrongo. Drugs, a number of cars totalled, etc. They broke up, and he was beginning to get his act together.

As soon as he was beginning to get over her, there she was, on his doorstep. This happened a number of times. He was unable to get the space and distance so that he could get over her. Eventually, I had to take him out of school, and bring him home. He was a wreck.

If I were you, I would make sure that you have no contact with this man. If he persists, get a restraining order.

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Phoenix is giving you some dang good advice. You have NOTHING to lose by listening to her....and everything to lose if you don't.

You can't lose "him" Smile

Reason being......you can't lose something you never had. And you never had him. He was too stuck in his own little world of jealousy and insecurity. There is no room for "love" in that equation.

Guys like him will put you on a pedestal and keep you there where they can stare at you all day. They will hide this trophy from any outside forces that could pose a threat to it. This is the whole human race, by the way!

You have been blessed by being able to get him out of your home. I don't think you have any idea what might have happened to you if he had "snapped" If he had gotten to the point of needing to put you in your "place." And trust me....there is a very good chance that would have happened.

I don't want to scare you......but from what I have read of your posts concerning his insane jealousy....there is far more inside this man than you have seen. As of now......your relationship with him has not ended. He knows this.....even though you keep him from calling you and he is no longer in your home. You have still allowed him to be around you. Albeit if just for sex or whatever. In his mind.......he still owns you. You have no idea how dangerous he can be. He is teetering. Teetering on the edge of furthering the insanity that already envelopes him.

How do you let go? I think it will be very easy for you to exit him from your heart if you picture him harming your children. And that, my friend, is NOT unthinkable!

Your relationship was never defined by "love." Count your blessings and close that door.

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the ex i just cant let go

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