Bad memory flash backs!!!!!!!

I don't know if this is something we can answer for you..... I think this is something you need to face/talk about with your boyfriend and try to find some kind of resolution within the tragedy that happen to you when you were younger.

Junebee--

Welcome to A2K.

For women who have been raped, flashbacks during sex are common--and absolutely normal. Rape--particularly by someone you trusted--is abnormal. Flashbacks are natural. Unfortunately, flashbacks are also terribly inconvenient and unromantic. Obviously, you'll want to get rid of them.

Check the blue pages in your telephone book for a Woman's Center or a Rape Crisis Center. That part is easy. Then make the call. They will be able to help you recover both from the trauma of the rape and the inconvenience of the flashbacks.

Obviously you've made terrific progress on your own in dealing with your hurt and outrage over the rape--conventional sex is not a problem for you. You don't need professional help because you're a failure--you need help because you were betrayed by someone you trusted.

How is your boyfriend coping with your very understandable discomfort? Pity, isn't it, that punching out your rapist isn't an option?

Most men aren't terribly talented as listeners. They aren't geared for patiently absorbing your anger and shame as you go over and over and over the ugly memories bringing them into perspective.

The people at the Rape Crisis Center are.

Good luck, Junebee. We're here to listen if you want to talk.

thanks for your advice....well my boyfriend is wonderful and totally understanding i dont know how i found him he is a great listener......i i would like to go to a center and try to get help for this but, i am scared that i could have done more that i could have fought harder.....i have a hard time knowing that other women went through this and i feel like there situation might be more diffacult than mine.... and that i would be keeping someone else (who was worse off then me) from getting the help that they needed.i have a very photographic memory and it is hard for me to get past this......

Junebee - every person who has been raped or sexually abused (or suffered a whole variety of other traumas, for that matter) thinks that somehow it might have been their fault. Rape - because of the disgusting residual victim-blaming beliefs about it - tends to be the worst for this.

It is absolutely natural to freeze during such an attack - if this is what you - (and a huge number of other people attacked in this way) - did, then that was the best way for you to survive. That is why we tend to do it - it is a survival mechanism. Every rape survivor I have ever worked with thinks that they "should have done something" - fought, known the attacker was no good, screamed - whatever. Often, they also think they did something to make it happen. That is all stuff and nonsense - though a natural response to trauma. Survivors of things like earthquakes, floods, fires etc have the same feelings. Perhaps it is easier to believe we might have been able to stop such an appalling event, rather than accept that we live in a world where sometimes horrible things happen, tha we cannot prevent, and that is all there is to it? Some people believe that these thoughts are a survival mechanism, too - anyhoo, they are pretty much universal.

Re the anal sex: Sometimes, slow and steady, and a sensitive lover do the trick when it comes to the natural reawakening of traumatic memories that sex can bring.

If the memories only occur when you try anal - well, how important is that to you? If gentle, progressive, habituation does not help - how much do you want to be able to do that?

If the memories have become generally intrusive again - or if it is really important to you to have anal sex, then you may wish to have therapy.

The most effective for post-traumatic memories tends to be cognitive/behavioural therapy, with a skilled therapist. Also, EMDR is helpful and quick for lots of people - again, you want a good therapist skilled in the area.


The thoughts about "someone else is worse off than I am, and deserve help more" are part of the survivor deal, too - and should be treated with the same seriousness as you treat advertisements that tell you some drug or other will make you lose weight while you sleep!

These "I am not worthy" thoughts should be slapped like annoying, blood-sucking mosquitoes, and not stop you from doing anything.

Zap 'em!!!!

Good luck.

thank you so much for your words.....this is going to be a hard thing to get over...but i am thinking what might have had an effect on it was that i found out the other day that he might be movin here in the hown that i live in...now i dont think that i will see him but the fact that he will be livin close it is hard for me to deal with....i hope that i can push past this and move on in the wonderful relationship with my boyfriend i dont want our relationship to be affected in a bad way i dont think that my boyfriend would ever be like that but i have my worries......

Junebee--

Of course you have worries. Rape is a scarring experience. Call the Rape Crisis center and see what they can offer in the sympathetic ear department.

The sob took your virginity. Don't give him one more minute of the rest of your life.

If you don't feel ready for formal therapy make little realistic dollies out of wax and stick pins in delicate spots. (Heating the pins first is absolutely fair play).

Hold your dominion.

thank you all so much....i am working through it and i have made major progress....needless to say me nad my bf are very happy about that....i am really greatful to everyone that was will to reply to my message... thanks a ton

Junebee--

Congratulations. A2K people adore giving advice, but you're the one who did the work.

Thanks for the happy ending story--and happy holidays.

Junebee, congratulations on getting this far. You are a strong woman and one who deserves nothing but a life of happiness and contentment. Your boyfriend is a lucky man and from the sounds of it, you are a lucky woman to have such an understanding man.

I think that it is also time for you to see someone regarding your flashbacks. While you can't erase what happened, you can gain mechanisms to help you cope with what happened to you. Also remember that just because some people like some things in bed, not everyone is comfortable with it. I know plenty of women who do not enjoy anal sex and that is perfectly normal. It sounds like you are moving ahead but remember to never force yourself to do something because you think it should be right. Follow your heart and keep your boyfriend close.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out for your. And when times get rough, just remember:

"This too, shall pass."