How do you stop self infliction of pain?

I'm glad your mom knows -- thats one hurdle you won't have to face.

I think your sister needs more than counseling. She needs to be in a safe environment where they can prevent her from destroying herself. Honestly, if your sister was my kid I would take her to the hospital and have her committed to the psychiatric ward. She would then receive counseling and they would make sure that she wouldn't hurt herself anymore.

This behavior is not uncommon in young women and there is help.

It will surely piss her off. But, really, she's pissed off at something already.

Tough love, sister.

Hang in there.

Boomerang-

I couldn't disagree more.

It is that sort of attitude from family that makes it worse.

She's not a freak and shouldn't be treated like one.

I had a friend in high school who cut herself all upand down her arms. She grew out of it - I don't know how or if her parents helped her through it. I think you're pretty insightful about your sister's condition. I hope she gets some help.

Adrian, I never said she was a freak - I said this behavior is not uncommon.

She's doing this for a reason.

Her family thinks that if they intervene it will get worse.

If they don't do anything it probably will get worse.

And she'll think her family doesn't give a sh*t.

Therapy is not for freaks. Its for everyone who has a problem that they are unable to deal with. No shame involved in it at all.

If it were my kid, no way I would ignore it.

Boomerang-

Sorry for being snappy, this is a subject close to me.

This paragraph;



Scares me as a response to what, as you have stated twice now, you believe to be "not uncommon".

Not only is it not uncommon, it is not the sort of thing you commit your own kids over. That sort of response is excactly the sort of thing that can make the situation worse.

Its close to me too, Adrian.

And I don't believe it is uncommon. Neither is depression. Depression requires treatment.

They're worried that intervening will piss her off - and it most likely will. I'd rather have her be pissed off in a hospital than pissed off somewhere where she might do something horrible.

Again, if it were my kid, she'd be at the hospital. She would be with people that she could speak freely too without having to worry about hurting someone's feelings. In my opinion, "if you ignore it, it will go away" is always way worse than anything else.

If you're kid hates you for a while, so be it.

If you don't do something they will hate you, and maybe themselves, for a whole lot longer.

What would you suggest Adrian? You've disagreed with Boomerang and ack727 is asking for advice.....

OK before I go any further I have to say welcome to ack727 and good on you for wanting to help your sister. I will try to offer what help I can once I have dealt with this "hospital" thing.....

Boomerang-

I am not good at typing what I think so I will resort to a quote. Its a lady by the name of Tracy Alderman who has published stuff about this issue.



I hope that explains where I'm coming from.

Obviously, this writer assumes that therapy is already taking place -- in this case it is not.

Teenagers have a hard time talking to their parents about their problems. I would make sure she has someone she feels free to talk to in a place where she is protected.

If my kid were hurting in this way, or any way, I would move heaven and earth to help it stop. Maybe the actual physical damage is not life threatening but physical damage is not the only damage being done here.

Perhaps I would be over reacting, but I would react and react and react until this child found succor.

The two keys to stopping are, first, actually wanting to stop, and second, developing a new way of coping with the feelings which drive you to self harm in the first place.

It's a long road and ultimately it must be travelled alone.

Talking is a good start but it's a very difficult topic to discuss with your own friends and family. You're better off talking to a school counsellor, a youth social worker, or your doctor.

Also, as littlek mentioned, a lot of kids that do self harm just grow out of it.

Have to strongly disagree with this. Seeing a therapist could help tremendously.

ack727--

A qualified professional should make the decision about whether your sister requires hospitalization. The term "self-mutilation" covers a broad spectrum of behavior from biting ones nails to the bleeding quick to pre-suicidal behavior.

Of course your sister will be annoyed when your mother insists on a professional confrontation. She would also be annoyed if your mother forbade her to stay out all night with a motorcycle gang. Ninth graders spend a lot of time being annoyed by parental strictures. Parenthood is a responsibility, not a popularity contest.

Perhaps her self-mutilation will stop without therapy. Perhaps one of the cuts will be badly infected. Perhaps she'll manage to give herself permanent scars. Perhaps the problems she's expressing will become more and more incapacitating.

If loving family support could "cure" your sister's behavior, she'd stop. She needs an objective ear rather than a bewildered one.

Adrian--

Good quote.

Despite a lot of people's belief, usually cutting yourself is not a botched suicide attempt. The cuts made are not hesitation cuts.

Cutting ones self or any other sort of behavior like this is often related to control. It is a way of being able to have control of her life. She cuts herself as deeply as she wants, as much as she wants, whenever she wants. It's also a release of sorts. I know this sounds funny but I know this from personal experience. When things are spiraling out of control (as they often do or seem when you are a teenager) you desperatly want to take the wheel and regain control over your life. If you can't manipulate outside forces, the least you can do is control what is yours; your body.

I suggest getting her to a therapist, who may or may not prescribe meds. This is also related to depression (not unlike a million other things) and can be a symptom rather than the actual problem. The therapist will decide whether or not your sister needs to be hospitalized.

You said she's stopped butHer obsessing about it tells me that she is only waiting for the right moment to start again. She has every intention of doing it but she won't do it until she is ready to. The control thing.

The problem with this is that many people don't "outgrow" it. There is the frightening possibility she could accidentally kill herself, depending on what she is using to cut herself with.

Your sister is hurting; making her angry by getting her to a therapist is the least of your concerns. Something is very wrong in her life and she needs to address the situation.

I'm not a professional and have no experience with this kind of thing. But would it be too difficult to find an area of her life or some other outlet that she can have control of? Is it time to re-do her room however she wants it? Maybe a weekend trip where she picks the destination?

It's possible that you are in the unique position (not being a parent or other authority figure) to talk to her about this and to convince her to at least think about why she does it. She may respect you more and feel less confronted.

Thank you all for your interest and advice. I have talked to her... in many different ways. I've told her that I don't understand and she tried to help me. I told her I would ALWAYS be here for her, someone she could trust who would not go to my parents unless it was more dangerous than usual. She does cut with whatever she can get her hands on: kitchen knives, lead pencils, paperclips, my dad threatened to only let her eat with plastic knives. I think he may be going about it the wrong way, he tells her she looks like a redneck with all those scars. Don't think he's a horrible person, he is a GREAT father, he just has no idea why she does it and it's hard to fathom that when you yourself could NEVER think of hurting yourself. She came to me with the drawings... I admit I had snooped before hand and found them, but the fact that she came to me with them... I think it's lessening... her urges I mean. She would NEVER tell me anything before and now she's opening up. She had problems with a boy, and we've had to move around her entire life... if that gives anyone some specific insite or understanding I'm greatful for your help.

This is it. I would bet money on it.

And I think free duck has a great suggestion. Give her free range to control something. Like re-decorate her room however she wants.

I also know very, very little about this subject, but seems to me like therapy is the way to go, and then go from there. You're asking us what to do, we don't know, we're not professionals -- therapists are.

Just seeing a therapist is very different from locking her in a psych ward or whatever.

I get where both Adrian and boomer are coming from -- I have seen firsthand and have read lots of horror stories about mixed-up but basically sane kids being put in an institution, and consequences thereof. Also, as a mother, I would stop at nothing to get my kid whatever help she needs.

Seems like therapy is the first step in that process.

SelfInflictionGal--

Welcome to A2K.

Your website seems to be more of a hospital than a source of information.

Well, I AM a therapist - and the people who are saying that this has become unfortunately common are quite right.

I do think that some of these kids learn it from each other - it seems to be a form of distress management which has become often talked about amongst the kids who do it, and kids who don't - nonetheless, it IS a way of dealing, however unfortunately, with inner pain - often, in my experience, from trauma.

Unless the young woman is actually suicidal - and even then only if there is no other way of protecting her briefly - would I be suggesting hospital. Firstly, therapy for dealing with whatever distress or trauma is behind the pain which is leading to the behaviour tends to be pretty long term and she cannot spend forever in hospital, and secondly, in our experience, kids tend to learn new and better ways of hurting themselves in there, thirdly, it is damn hard to develop a therapeutic alliance with a kid forced to be in hospital, fourthly, they can develop an extremely unhealthy dependence on hospital, leading to attempts to gain admission which seriously "up the ante" of what they do to themselves. This is the Australian experience, anyway.

Good therapy would be a damn fine idea for her - generally people are doing this stuff because they are really distressed.

We find that focusing on the cutting is not useful - (though discussing alternative sources of strong sensation - like grasping ice hard, very sour tastes etc - which perform the same function of distracting from inner pain by inflicting physical discomfort) - can be used by some young people.

Good on you for being a confidante - yes, your dad is NOT being helpful by shaming her.

I think your strategy of encouraging opening up without focus on the cutting - BUT with a clearly negotiated safety plan - is EXCELLENT - this is exactly what I do.

I hope you are right that the behaviour is lessening right now.

If she will not see a therapist, then what you are doing is a damn fine stopgap - but, it is not clear to me what HER attitude is to this - I only know what your parents feel about it.

Yes - if she does have therapy, (if it is a good therapist who knows about dealing with this stuff), there can be a period where stuff gets worse - since she would be facing whatever pain is causing her to need this distraction.

I suspect that, sooner or later, she may well need to confront this pain anyway.