Some good news...
We did the martial arts/Subway night last night. My son and I do Tai Kwon Do (no weapons) from 6-7 and the Gum-do (uses wooden 'swords') is the class the 14 year old is interested in.
So, while watching our class, he notices that one of the few friends that he has made since he has gotten here is actually in the class, and is paired up with me (same relative height) - so that was a nice connection.
We stayed for the sword class, and he was defintely interested.
We talked for about an hour after the little one was in bed, and I was able to use some of the comments read on this board (emphasize on good things, etc.) as well as tell him why, etc.
My son really looks up to him as a "big brother" - but all he sees is the back of his head while playing the game. To help "coach" him into being a friend to him, I asked that he carve out a 1/2 hour a day to just be with him away from the game, computer or TV. Re-learn how to "play" in other words. Also, when the family is having dinner together (like any busy family, these times are maybe 1-2 times a week when we are all home) - he is to join us (always "not hungry" - but basically an excuse to play more game) - even if it just has a glass of milk. I stressed that it was more for the family connection, rather than eating. We also re-instituted what I call "value-add" time - where, for at least a 1/2 hour, he has to either read, write in a journal, draw (he is into art) - basically anything that is not game, computer, TV or phone. So he agreed to all that.
He is still on the fence on Gum-Do - which is an hour or more committment, 3 times a week. My guess is he will do it, I really need it to be his decision. It would be a slam dunk if his friend were in THAT class, but you can't have everything.
His sister always has VETO powers if she has homework and needs the room for privacy, and as far as hours, he negotied that he should still have 5 hours of time (there is a hard stop time that everything needs to be done by). I said OK - because I know that with everything else, it will end up being 4 to 4.5 hours anyway - 5 would be the max. This allowed him to feel that he "got something" out of me, which is important to young (and older) men. I am sure many of you would agree. I got what I wanted - more integration into the family, more "real" play, and a possible outside activity going.
I akin this to turning around a ocean liner. I can't do it in one step, but I can make "course corrections" as we go.
Thanks again for all the support, this was my first thread on this site, and it was worth logging onto it.
mixeddad--
Glad we could help. Stick around--A2K is full of information.
Interesting post! I have a 14 year old son and he was "addicted" to the online game, Star Wars Galaxies. We went through a time where he just wouldn't get off and if we pulled him, the world was coming to an end. We put our foot down and set strict restrictions. He has a bedtime of 9:30 pm (school nights). He must bring something home to study, even if he doesn't have homework. After he studies and we eat dinner, he is required to spend time with my wife and I. After all that has been accomplished, he may play his game for no more than one hour on school nights and "to be determined" during the weekend, based on the previous week, chores and of course, any homework he needs to finish. He hated the rules at first, but between the rules and an incident during his game play, he is okay about it now and realizes "it's only a game". The incident was a time when he accidentlly deleted all of his "inventory" and he actually was devestated. I told him to take a long look at what he is doing and how hard he is being on himself and he realized then that it was just a game!
When I was growing up I always thought restrictions like Stugpanzer suggests were ridiculous.
But in retrospect the reason I was so against it was because video games were my life. I can relate to both of your sons, and now, as a very young father I can see what limitations should have been set.
By the way, I've taken Tae Kwon Do. I even used to teach it when I had the time. How are you enjoying it?
