Online Video Game Addiction for 14 year old

Mixeddad - I have no idea what advice to offer and can't answer your questions. I do want to welcome you aboard a2k and know that someone will be along with answers, or at least advice, soon.

I am online a lot myself (35 year old woman). I can get very deep into gaming and can be grumpy when I am disrupted. He's 14, perhaps some household chores that take a lot of time which he or you can schedule into a time frame. I don't know what your climate is like, but I am thinking something like mowing the lawn. He could help around dinner time - taking out trash or setting the table. They don't take much time, but may provide him with some family connection.

Have you talked with his siter about this? How about a school counselor?

As far as chores, he takes out trash once a week, and when asked does a longer term chore like doing the leaves, or cleaning the bathroom. When complete, he rushes back to the game.

My 7 year old and I do martial arts, and I am trying to get him to join that. The other concern is that my 7 year old, who maybe watches 1 hour of TV per week, and is on his computer maybe 3 hours a week, sees this behavior and asks questions. Furthermore, he looks up to his cousin, and has an occasion to wander in to watch him play. I cannot think of a worse waste of time not only to play, but to watch someone else play. Luckily, we can do course corrections easier on him - he reads at least 1.5 hours per day after homework - and we do not have to tell him. I am concerned with the mixed message as well.

His sister is at her wits end with this game as well (it is in her room) - and I am going to reach out to the counselor as well - good suggestion.

Martial arts is good. There are also music lessons, team sports, Boy Scouts, reading books and newspapers...and on and on.

I agree, he is playing WAY too much. I wouldn't allow more than a couple of hours a day IF he got all his chores & homework done.

He could definitely be doing more chores around the house. My 10-year old brings in the mail and newspaper every day, feeds the pets every day, takes out the garbage and recycling every time it's needed, makes his bed every day, sets the dinner table every time we eat dinner at home, helps with the dishes after dinner, and helps fold laundry on the weekends. Every year we add another one or two. If he doesn't complete his chores, he doesn't get his full allowance. And he LIKES MONEY, so it doesn't take much prompting!

Wow Eva, your kid has a full plate!

I,myself,play about 20 hours a week,but its allat once. I can understand why he would get upset if interupted, It takes a lot of patience and time to make progress in a 150 hour game! But thats why I only play when I KNOW I dont have to stop for at least a day. Two questions: What does he play(FPS,RPG's,RTS,Action,racing,flight sims,etc)? and Maybe you could double his time but every other day instead of playing every day?

There is definitely sich thing as video game addiction. Obviously. He has it.

It doesn't matter how well he does in school now, because school does nothing if you throw your personal life away. Secondly, his grades will suffer eventually. The reason he does his homework at school is because he is too addicted to do it at home. What happens when he goes to college and homework loads increase?

I like the idea of martial arts. Find some way to trick him into doing something else.

He will not drop this habit with age.

Yes, he does, but it's better that way. I'd rather be running him all over town like I do to Scouts, piano & karate lessons than having him sitting in front of the TV or computer for hours and hours at a time.

He's doing great with all of it, btw. He's Recommended Black Belt in karate, high score in state piano competition, top Boy Scout popcorn seller at his school, and he just brought home his second-ever 4.0 report card. We're very proud of him. He works hard, and it shows.

Left to his own devices, he'd probably be a championship Yu-gi-oh card player and a video game expert by now. We'd rather he were more well-rounded, so we have to pry him off the computer & video games every day. He's not allowed to play games until his chores, piano practicing & homework are done. That generally leaves him 1-1/2 to 2 hours a night, and more time on weekends. Dad thinks 5-6 hrs. a day on weekends is too much, but I'm a bit more lenient. Still, we tell him every couple of hours to go find something else to do...read a book, make something...

BTW, all those chores I listed above only take him about 10-15 minutes in the morning as he's getting ready for school...and less than that at night. A little more on weekends with laundry, but we do that together. It's not that much.

Are you sure it's all addiction and not depression? Did he play that much before his mom died? I'm thinking that it's a LOTTA THINGS. And that is on top of the regular amount of complications adolescents normally experience. How is he about accepting touch? Does he flinch? Can he roughhouse nicely with your son? Does he have a relationship with him? There's a lot of things going on.

Rather than identifying the problems, I would take another approach... if the main stuff isn't broke (he's getting good grades, is somewhat respectful, cooperates) I would identify the stuff you LIKE ABOUT HIM, that he is GETTING GOOD GRADES, SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE, LIKES THE MEALS PREPARED, etc. etc. that is GOOD. Identify the ways his gaming is good, too, like it keeps him out of trouble, improves his fine motor skills, etc. then tell him how you hope he is willing to try to become better rounded, as an individual (would his mother have wanted him to try new things? what about as incinitve to get into a desirable college? to improve the potential outcome of your son who is watching nephew's example?) and suggest he come up with some things he might like to try... skateboarding? mountain climbing? cross country skiing? water polo? set design for a play? acting? astronomy? robotics? find S~O~M~E~T~H~I~N~G and have him try it... along with martial arts (to bond the 3 of you "guys") and let him know you think this will be important to his future as well as offer him opportunities to make friends NOW, that you want the best for him, and hope he will come up with some suggestions to make things better... Christmas is coming... it offers an excellent opportunity to buy him some supplies to try an interest out. You can always offer the bribe of new gaming stuff later (like Easter) if he will cooperate with you now...

Thank you all for your words and support. Some comments:

He plays the "Final Fantasy" game, which is one where he is online and "meets" other people and teams up with them, etc. They sometimes go on several hour quests to get additional points, etc.

Please understand that I have nothing against the game itself, but the amount of time. I have told him things to this effect, as I like the teamwork, etc. that comes with the game.

He "hugs" as much as the next 14 year old boy, and accepts my hugs and praise, thanks and support. We threw a party when he came home with the honor roll. He has ADHT and is not currently under any medication at this time, and we are trying to work through it without it. He has a couple special needs courses, and he has just gotten out of a couple of them and into the "mainstream" courses, so that is all good stuff, and we praise him, give him special meals for these accomplishments.

In fact they day of the recent blow up, we just had a great day cutting down our own Christmas tree, and had a ball. But, when we got home, he could not play, and started to tell his sister F-U and all of this. They started fighting and I got in the middle, he started yelling F-this, then my wife got all involved as she (we) do not like that kind of talk, and then my son came down, and he yelled for him to go away (kind of embarrassed of his behavior IMHO - but it came out like a 'yell') and my got mad again.....and it just ruined the whole day.

Anyway, the good news is that - totally by coincidence, the game keyboard broke, so now he cannot play even if he wanted to. The next day after the blow up, we discovered this, and he immediately started to ask me how he could earn the $20 to buy a new one - as he as done in the past. He is Jekyll and Hyde I tell ya! As long as things go his way, he is fine. If not, he blows up.

I will re-review all the posts, but I wanted to give more information in case it helps.

Is this video game addiction a "dirty secret?" Are kids playing more and more and people are not talking about it? There are as many as 3,000 people on this online game at any given time, so somebody is playing.

From what his sister tells me, he has played as much before and after his mother's passing. He has another sister still living in their home state, and she is with her boyfriend. He was basically raised by 3 women, his mother and 2 sisters. The other sister is 18, but grew up quick. They were raised in the welfare system. I also feel he was coddled a little too much.

My problem is that I am, somewhat, trying to reverse a course that has been set for 14 years, a month shy of 15. Attached to my monitor is a card that says "Do what's right, not what's easy." It would be easy for me to stick him in the back room and let him play the game until he was 18. Easy as 123.

I am not sure his mother would like that, but I cannot throw that card down too often. The mother died of complications due to alcholism, as well as unknown other reasons (age 48). She was one of 10 kids, and with the exception of my wife and maybe 2 other siblings, they all smoke, drink or do other things of an addictive nature.

From the outside, operating on limited information, I'd say that the lure of the video game is that for hours every day he can exist in a nice, dangerous universe where the rules are absolutely predictable.

The video game itself is no more an addiction than heavy television watching or perpetual reading or any other retreat into a solitary pursuit.

Are ADHD and ADHT similar? I had an ADHD stepson and trying to behave well in school was exhausting for him. ADHD kids have trouble fathoming the rules of the "real" world and I can see the allure a fantasy universe would hold.

Plus whatever his emotional problems, he's an orphan and he's fourteen--twixt and tween and mad about it.

Can you stoop to a bit of bribery? Dickering bribery? A new keyboard--perhaps even a new souped up keyboard--in exchange for trying at least one new activity three times between now and the new year?

Believe me, you'll all survive, unlikely as it may seem.

Hold your dominion.

I think I meant ADHD.

I am also happy to report some good news. His sister banned him from the game for today, as this issue was not resolved, and for the first time in memory, he was seen reading a book, so much that when I approached him, he asked that I wait for a second as he finished a page.

Additionally, with my wife and niece working tomorrow evening, it was to be the boys at home from 4 until 5:30 - which he would be responsible for my son. When this happens, they usually do things together, so here's hoping. On top of that, tomorrow is martial arts night, and with the small bribe of a Subway dinner (his fav) - he is going to watch the class that we are in (family class) and then see the sword-fighting class after that, which is also filled with long-haired teens, some from his high school (while my son and I enjoy Subway). He agreed to this without a flinch, which is a good sign.

So, things are looking positive. I promise to keep people updated, and thanks for the support. I like the idea of a special keyboard, as I want to let him know that it is not the game itself, but the amount of time spent.

I use the word "in balance" a lot with him, and my son, for that matter. Almost anything is OK, as long at it is in moderation, or balance. I think he is beginning to understand, at least a little.

There is no doubt that this young man has had it rough. I am trying not to go 100% in the other direction by being too permissive.

Thanks again for all the comments and support.

Glad to hear there's been progress! Let us know how things go tomorrow night!

I'm not sure this is correct; my recollection is that CAT scans of people playing video games show some of the same patterns as people taking drugs. It boosts endorphin production.

You do not have the organic damage that comes from using illicit drugs, of course, so the danger presented by gaming is not the same.

Speaking from my own experience, I would expect that he will eventually find other pursuits that are more fulfilling. It sounds like you're working out ways to expose him to some of these.

Perhaps a computer-free night once a week? The family takes turns picking out activities?

I would suggest explaining your concerns to him, but make sure you don't imply he's being a bad kid. Just stress that there can be too much of a good thing and that you want to help him explore other interests.

It sounds like you're on the right track, mixeddad! Hang in there, and let us know how the martial arts/Subway night goes.

MerlinsGodson--

I'm sure that analysis of my brain chemistry and electricity when I'm reading would show that my pleasure centers have been activated.

Mixeddad--

With luck the long-haired adolescents in the sword fighting class will also be enamoured of the medieval games of cyberspace. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Hold your dominion.

I'm sure they would too... but this showed (as I recall) a qualitative difference between the immersive experience of video games versus movies, TV, reading, etc.

This was brought up during a psychology course on illicit drug use.


Edit: Further research shows that the test subjects were playing for money, not just fun. I feel this severely impacts the credibility of the study, as playing for real gain is significantly different from playing just for fun.

Merlin'sG--

I know very little about video games and am willing to assume that you're probably right about the relative strengths of euphoric jolts.

The Medium is the Message.

Who was it who said, "Everything in moderation, including moderation." I think you have things going the right direction if he is going along to watch and there is a cool swordplay class he will watch. I, personally, would take it upon myself to ask the p[articipants some sort of lameass questions and then further embarrass my nephew by introducing myself, and him to whomever I accosted to ask lameass questions of... I would try to talk him into trying out the sport/activity- for one month. I place high value on a willing attitude... And find things for you all to attend, to get you out of the house. There muyst be events in your community tied into the holiday season? Plus, find anything interesting to teenagers and drag him along with your whole family... Eventually some things'll click and he'll find several niches of interest to him besides online gaming. I asked my daughter, who is 13- and primarily sporty- if she knows anyone addicted to online games, and she doesn't, but video games are quite popular among kids who can't do regular posrts for some reason in her school... I don't know what it's like elsewhere in the country, but here in Hawaii it is an uncommon passtime for teenagers... Slightly more common among college students, but stillnot all that popular- at least among our circle of friends...

I really think if you promote investigation into activitiies, he will bite onto several over the next 5 months, the length he's been in your household to date... And by April, with the spring/summer months looming ahead, he will find something new to interest him again... It is inevitable. Best of luck!

Aloha, PP