Adoption talk. Both sides...

well, as stated on J's thread..I am pro adoption...in fact i wish more of these RTL people would adopt..let's save the child who is born...

I will start with my story.. ( being the one who gave a child up )

I was 19 and unable to care for myself let alone a child. I was scared to admit this truth and in my little teenage mind I thought.. ( truthfully ) if I didnt think about the pregnancy, it would go away.
Well, we ALL know that is not the truth.
I hid it from my mother and my family. Until it was physically impossible to do so, I told her that I was just eating too much.
I knew from the start I was incapable of being a good mother. But at 19, you dont have the verbage or the life skills to be able to express this knowledge. All I knew was that I couldnt keep the child.
After she was born I did my best to keep a distance. I knew she was going to go to another home and I didnt want her to bond to me.
Horrible stance to take YES I know this.. dont slam me for that. But at 19 that was logical.
My mothers best friends adopted her when she was 5 months old. She is in the ' family' as best as can be. I am lucky in that aspect. Most other mothers never hear about thier child again.
Lately she has been asking.. all the important questions. ( She is 9 )
She remembers me.. she knows now that I am her mother.
Now comes the hard part.

As the mother, it was the hardest thing in the world to give up my child. Harder yet to try to live with that decision having no life skills behind me and no verbage to assist me on my journey. I have been through the roller coaster of emotions and now it is time to start a new ride because she is aware.
Any other mothers here going through that?

I've dealt with adoption as the stepmother of an adopted child.

Adopted children wonder--a healthy but occasionally exasperating trait.

shewolf, you did the right thing, even when it was hard,
I admire your fortitude.

((((( I hope you are feeling better and you can get off those crutches! :-) ))))

how do you answer the wondering questions?

Just tell her the truth. Tell her you weren't able to take care of her the right way, because you were too young. And you wanted the very best for her. Emphasize how good her adoptive parents are, and how much better her life is because she has them.

No matter how good your answers are, it may take her awhile to accept them. But it is most important that she knows you did this out of love...not because she was unwanted.

I agree.
But in a childs mind, ESPICALLY at that age, they still think.. " what did I do"
how do you combat THAT?
When they say... " why didnt you want me?' Or you gave me away.
The statements that will kill a mothers heart are the hardest to talk through. I can only say so many times how much it was for her benefit but I dont think that a child that young can grasp the concept?
Or am I wrong?

Sure they can grasp it. Don't underestimate her.

Tell her again and again if you have to. You weren't prepared to be a good mother then, and her parents were. If you didn't want her around, then why did you stay in touch?! Of COURSE you love her! That's why you wanted THEM to adopt her...because you wanted the BEST for her!

I'm sure it will be harder for you than it will be for her. Kids her age have so many natural insecurities...don't let that make you feel guilty in any way. You did the right thing, and you should be proud of yourself.

I am proud of myself for doing that . Thank you for saying that to me though. It always feels good to hear it.

I guess I just worry that my words wont be as effective to her as i want them to be. But you are right... repeat, repeat, repeat as much as necessary. the more she hears it the more it means to her because the words will never change. ;-)
Good piece of advice Eva.... as usual. :-)

Hi shewolfnm,

You are very brave to address this issue out in the open.
I am on the other side - I have adopted and my daughter
is also 9 years old. (I call her here little Jane)

Little Jane knows that she's adopted and she's been
asking questions about it. I've learned to just answer
specifically the question she asks, as some of the other
details got to complicated for her or she misunderstood.

She knows that she is very special and shew as chosen
to be my daughter. I told her, that other kids just were born
to their mothers and they couldn't choose whom to get,
but she was in the fortunate position to be chosen by me,
which made her feel special.

I also told her, that her biological Mother was very ill and
could not take care of her, and for that reason had to give
her up for adoption. This isn't true, but for now, that is
all she needs to know.

Little Jane has coped quite happily with the adoption so far,
however, I realize that she'll come up with tons of questions and heartache once she is older.

shewolfnm, I am glad that there are Mothers like you out
there who make it possible for women like me, to be Mothers as well. I only can imagine what you must have felt and are going through right now, but if it is any reassurance to you, I admire your decision and I'm greatful for brave, unselfish women like you are.

I am the guardian for a boy whose parents were too immature to raise him but too selfish to let him go. I applaud your decision.

Whether I am ever able to adopt Mo or not, I know that I will have to deal with these same questions. I'm going to listen and learn.

shewolf--

I was lucky that the adopted child had two colorful, irresponsible 16-year-old brothers ever available to demonstrate the immaturity of the average teen.

I couldn't tell from your post whether or not you have had The Conversations with your love child.

If the same unanswerable questions are asked over and over and over, ask the child, "What did I say last time." With luck, they will quote you and add a "but...." and what comes after the "but....." will let you know more clearly what the kid is thinking.

Life is glorious--but it isn't simple. Hold your dominion.

Wow, you have a very good set of ' words' for baby jane. ;-)
Can i ask you a favor?
If you feel comfortable with it that is....
As things progress in your conversations with baby J can you post some of them here? For my benefit too... but my whole reasoning for this thread is that someone, somewhere may not have the courage to talk about this situation .. no matter what side they are on... and they can look into and read some of the issues that are on here and MAYBE help themselves. ?
I would soooooooo appreciate it!

Yes I will do so when new questions arise

Is it pretty safe to say that the questions arise about adoption form the child around the age of 10?
Is that a good ball park assumption?

No shewolfnm,
they actually come sometimes at the most inappropriate
time. I remember, when baby Jane was 4 years old,
and we were standing in line at the check-out counter
at the supermarket, when she all of a sudden said: "Mom
how come you didn't carry me in your tummy?"

At one of the magazine frontcovers she saw a pregnant
woman and that triggered it.

Of course this was not the time or place to get into subjects
like this, but nevertheless I did want to answer her question and calmly answered: "Well, because you came to me in a much more important way, and that's something special
only you and I share". She nodded like this is our secret now and the moment was saved.

There is never going to be a good time for questions
like this shewolfmn. No child is waiting for you to sit down,
get comfy and ask all the questions they want to know in
the privacy of your own home.

They come, whenever something triggers their mind and
it can be in a crowded room or somewhere else. It is
most important though, that we don't push the child away
and say things like " not now" or "I'll explain you later",
since kids will forget their train of thoughts and then to
start all over again does take away the momento.

At least that's not an option for me

So I found out the other day how my daughter found her ' concrete evidence' that she was adopted. > I will back up a pace in the story <

Her adoptive parents Mark and Stacey have divorced a few years ago. Stacey was a drug addict and had started to steal money for her job to support it. She had overdosed 2 times ( Vicodin was her drug of choice) and was just falling apart.
Now that they have seperated/divorced the girls ( thier natural child and my child) go back and forth between the houses.
One day my little girl was looking through her moms garage and FOUND adoption papers. She asked stacey.. stacey told her the truth. She asked Mark.. mark said nothing and left the room.
There is a part of me that wants to jump on a plane right now, grab that little girl and hug her for the 10 years of her life I have missed.. tell her it is ok and explain. There is another part of me that wants to slap mark and kill stacey. Mark is the most wonderful man on the face of the earth. He is what every child should call Dad.Little girl is lucky to have him for a daddy. Stacey... well.. this isnt a stacey bashing thread. . Nuff said.
Either one of them have elaborated on this subject to Little girl. She is asking ALLLL the questions. She has a relationship with my mother and now knows that she is her ' real' gramma. BUT noone will answer her when she asks. Noone is giving her information. And.. they have told me from the start that they were honest with her about adoption... So why did she FIND information in the garage and act surprised if they were honest?
WHY are they not answering her quesitons? Why are they not communicating between THEMSELVES like adults to combat this issue?
Why do I feel like they are doing this all wrong?

Shewolf--

One of the most difficult aspects of an "open" adoption is when the adoptive family develops festering sores and the birth mother must stay out of the way.

Obviously your instinct is to fly home and scoop up your daughter to rear yourself. Remember, there are two little girls involved and if you "rescue" one you leave the other with fewer resources.

I assume that your mother is the source of your information? Is she allowed to answer your daughter's questions? What does she think about your daughter's state of mind?

Hold your dominion.

My mother hasnt been the sorce of her information yet. Mark and my mom are best friends. When mark and stacey were married the 3 of them were inseperable. They had a strong friendship for the better part of 9 years. Stacey's drug use
( 2+years) drove a wedge between my mom and her so they do not speak anymore. I have always been allowed to see little girl. I have even babysat her at times when I lived in the same state. So I have never been shut out.. ( for that I am very lucky)
I do not know what Mark's stance is on allowing my mother to answer her questions. That subject hasnt been approached yet. My mother is worried as I am. She is afraid that little girl wont get the information she needs to continue being a well rounded child. Though I do really feel strongly for Marks position. I can NOT imainge how hard it is to have your child question who is the ' real' parents and who is not. In my mind, Mark is her real father, Stacey is her real mom. There is a huge diffrence between birth parents and real parents.
But , in my world and my thought processes, he should be talking to her and not avoiding due to strong feelings.
I dont mean that i WOULD hop on a plane and jump into the picture.. that is just what my heart strings tell me to do.
I dont think it is healthy to avoid such a strong subject. Espically when a child is a pre-teen.. when image and self are of utmost importance to the child.