Thu 6 Jul, 2017 11:09 am
I always thought I knew who I was. Now I'm not so sure.
A bit of background: I am a 19 year old, born female. I was pretty sheltered as a kid, raised religious, and I still hold religious beliefs. For the most part they don't clash with the questions I'm asking, but they do make it a bit more confusing. Anyway, lately I've been feeling more and more lost as to who I am. I hope airing my feelings at least will help.
First, gender. Like I said, I'm a girl. But I'm not super feminine. I guess if tomboy was a gender, that's what I'd be. I don't usually wear makeup or dresses. I guess this is less of a question and more of just me feeling out of place in a world where I feel like I should be more feminine. I don't think I'd be more comfortable as a guy, I'm even less masculine than feminine. I've cosplayed as male characters a lot, and although I find it really fun, I still feel... 'off' about pretending to be a boy. At the same time, sometimes I feel 'off' about being a girl. My main problem is my chest. Blame genetics, but my breasts are pretty big. Like, almost disproportionately so. I've got a binder for cosplay, actually, so I can pull off a male look a little better. I don't like wearing it daily, but I also don't like wearing a large cup bra. I feel like my chest just gets in the way a lot. I don't know. I guess this is just me venting it out.
Next, sexuality. This one's a little more complicated. I think an important part of this question is probably the fact that I have resolved not to have sex until I'm married. I've always been absolutely set in that. I'm not sure if that's the reason why I've never really been sexually attracted to anyone. I've been romantically attracted to a few guys, I've had some pretty intense crushes. I've never been into girls. I've never had a significant other. I've never even kissed anyone. Most importantly, I've never had the desire to sleep with anyone. Sexual jokes make me uncomfortable. Thinking about sex makes me uncomfortable. Porn makes me extremely uncomfortable (thank goodness for that). I'm 19. Is this normal? I might say that I'm asexual, but I do plan to have sex with whoever I marry. Sometimes I even look forward to it, just for the experience. But I've never been attracted like that to any specific person. Just the imaginary husband in my head. I might say I'm demisexual, but from what I can tell that means you do have those feelings for someone you've formed a close bond with. I've never felt that. But then again, I guess I'm still pretty young.
I'm just so confused right now. On the surface, I'm just a straight, 'normal' girl. But something doesn't feel right on the inside. I'm making this post mainly to get all my thoughts down in one place. If anyone has any insight, I'd be glad to hear it. Thanks for reading, I hope I didn't waste too much of your time.
You feelings are neither weird or unusual.
Consider that you are a late bloomer (perhaps due to sheltered upbringing) and are processing a lot of emotions that most teens have.
Spend as much time as you can with peers in social settings. Join clubs, do volunteer jobs and Sports.
Things will sort themselves out in time.
Sound advice from Punkey.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal for teens to feel. This sort of stuff usually starts up when puberty hits but there is no hard and fast timeline.
If it helps, I experienced similar unrest when I was a teen, 16-17. I tested the sexuality waters in an attempt to figure out what made sense and what I liked. I'm now 38 and a pretty typical guy.
Don't stress too much over it all.