Advice for Problem MIL?

Sounds like your mother-in-law is old school. Given that she's a Russian immigrant, that sounds about right. She reminds me of my paternal grandmother.

Everything was "her due". Everything was who was giving her obeisance, that sort of thing. I'm probably exagerrating and not recalling things perfectly correctly (she died 20 yrs ago), but I recall she was not an easy person. She favored my aunt over my mother (they were married to her two sons) and my brother over my cousin and me. When my youngest cousin was born (there were just the 4 grandchildren), she favored H___ in a big way. And, up until H___ was born, M___ (her older sister, my cousin) was "the baby". Even though the two sisters are 9 years apart. It was just, the youngest grandchild was "the baby", as if Grandma couldn't be bothered to remember our individual names. Since my brother was the only grandson, though, he was remembered without any problem.

When she was dying, she could recognize my Dad and my aunt and nobody else. My Dad, I suppose, because she'd known him the longest (he was 50-something at the time) and my Aunt L___ because, I guess, she was the favored daughter-in-law. I dunno.

All I do know is that she is long gone so any resentment should be gone.

But what do you do while someone like her is still around? My mother, I recall, made a big show of being the dutiful d-i-l and she did not complain about Grandma to us kids until we were a lot older. But I think we always sensed that G'ma was a difficult person.

My only suggestion, and I'm not sure if it would work, would be to sit her down and talk to her. I mean, what the hell - you've got nothing to lose. Just, "Ma (or whatever you call her), we've known each other for a long time and I hope you realize that my relationship with you has changed over the years, so I hope that your relationship with me can also change. I am not the teenaged girl who came into your son's life many years ago. I am a grown woman and I would appreciate being treated with dignity and respect. And I want to know if there is any way that I have treated you that has been lacking - but I would like for these conversations to be in private, just between you and me, and not in front of the rest of the family."

And then see if there's any change. If that fails, you can ask your husband to intervene - btw, how does he feel about all of this? Has he ever tried to talk to her about how she treats the woman he loves?

umm...?
Maybe I wasn't really clear on my first post, she's an American all the way through. She just knows Russian, and talks in it all the time. Don't ask me why.

Anyway, my hubby has had a very tense relationship with his mother, and I hate to ask him to do anything, because even if things don't work out between me and my MIL, I don't want to throw anything between them. They have enough problems already, trust me on that.

I may ask my hubby, though, what his thoughts are on this. I've told him about the problem, but he's never really commented. Maybe this is just one of those things we've got to deal with, you know?

Hey, ya never know. Sounds to me also like the speaking Russian is another way to throw up a barrier. Which is troubling, I mean, you're supposed to be family. Perhaps she's unclear on the concept. I don't mean to sound facetious but that may be it - maybe she's unconsciously unsure if you're going to stick around. I'm not saying that there's anything to justify it, but it's possible that she only gets close to "family" and thinks the jury is still out on that, when it comes to you.

Having a short separation from your husband - no matter what she was told at the time - may have reinforced this unconscious assumption. Do you ever do things together, just you and her? Nothing big, it can be just cooking together or having a talk. If everything involves a third person (or more), intimacy won't develop.

Another avenue is letters and cards, even if she lives in the same town as you. Most of us just get junk mail, some magazines and a lot of bills in the paper mail. I bet she'd be thrilled to get a card, and not just a family Christmas card, but a wholly unrelated, just-for-her type of card. Do what I do when I write to my nephew - find something, anything, to enclose, and use that as the pretext for the card or letter. "I saw this great article, thought you might like it." "I saw this recipe in the paper and clipped it - is your sugar cookie recipe the same, or do you do something different to it?" "I saw this picture online and printed it. Doesn't it look like our old dog?" It's another means of communication and it doesn't involve a third party, unless she brings someone in. Keep it light and noncontroversial; most people will be impressed with this kind of thoughtfulness.