Sun 2 Jul, 2017 09:58 pm
Sorry for the lengthy post, guys. But I would likento share my story since Im somewhat a beginner in casual dating.
This girl just split with her ex boyfriend a month ago due to him not wanting committment, and I split with my ex a month ago as well. She admits missing him, but he was a toxic relationship. Here are the sequence of events:
1. I saw this said girl acquaintance at a bar two Saturday nights ago, we chatted had a few drinks. We'be known each other for 2 years, just had not interacted before.
2. After a few drinks by the end of the night, I proceeded to touch her butt and then kiss her, she did not resist.
4. Her ex ended up being there to pick her up, and saw everything that happened, and got pissed.
5. I apologized politely, so him and her moved on (I was already pretty drunk at that point, but calm).
6. Next day, Sunday noon, I facebook messaged her with a smiley face wink.
7. She responds right away saying "haha how are you, etc." Then we chatted and she enjoyed it. She ended it with "chat soon??"
8. Next day I messaged her again joking "u recovered?" Then we chatted with more detail regarding sat night. She asks what was up with me touching her butt sat night, i told her i was just having a blast, she says "i know", and i joked, etc. and we addressed the kiss. She asked why I kissed her, and I just said that I did not see anything wrong with it. And she AGREES. and she says that helped her finally get rid of her ex out of her life. We chatted more on emotional level, she says she misses being in a relaionship.
9. We chatted again next day, at night she was having wine while we were messaging, and she mentions that someday 'someone' will see the good on her, i said 'maybe' and she says 'yes maybe'. She also says that for a strong woman she gets overwhelmed like this sometimes. She also mentions that she might have a date for the weekend but maybe will flake on her. I just was nonchalant about it and changed topics. We said goodnight, good chat.
10. Friday cam and she messages me saying her plans fell off. She asks me to hang out friday night. I at first told her that I will be at a show, and that she could tag along. Until we decided to chill at her place due to logistics and budget.
11. I came to her place, had drinks, went to the same bar we met last week (my idea), we made out, she opened up to me saying that she is worried about me still being roommates with my ex. I aknowledged and was understanding. We went back to her place, made out again and went to bed tired, but NO sex.
I forgot to bring condoms, and was genuinely tired and nervous. I joked about the condoms nonchalantly. She also joked about how I already assumed that we were going to have sex (maybe she felt hurt or 'easy'? about that?). Anyway, we made out a little. more in bed, although i was a little bit rough and bit her too hard. Overall good night, we fell asleep, made out again a little in the morning in her bed before i left.
12. Next day, she kept messaging me, and chatted with me relentlessy, very interested more than before, and she even joked 'dont forget to bring condoms' before she even asked if I would like to hang out again tonight. She even offered to pick me up. I agreed, but said that my uber budget is capped so i'd need a ride back in the morning (not sure if i got too demanding or entitled with this). She said she has no problem picking me up and dropping me off. We agreed, scheduled pick up.
13. She picked me up and we got stuff from the store including wine, then relaxed at her house watching tv while she showed some of her pictures from the past when she was in the navy. As we were drinking on the couch and her cuddling with me, she says that she is 'liking' me. She says she likes me because I am intruiguing and cute (she mentions me being intriguing more than once, that she could not figure out whats in my head, those are her words).
We then went to bed and had sex (it may not have been the best since it was our first having sex with each other, a lot of adjusting positions, me being to rough biting which she did not like, etc.,).
This is embarrassing, but as we were adjusting in positions she joked "your p*n*s doesn't like me", we laughed a little but not sure if that affected her a lot. I proceeded to finger and make out, and she had more pleasure during the fingerings, she even aaid that I got strong fingers. I said because i am a musician. We later on got tired, from two long days, and she said goodnight sweetie, we kissed and went to bed. I saw her take a tylenol PM, and I then asked one (not sure of I was demanding again or 'entitled.')
While we were sleeping that night, I noticed that she did not cuddle me and was not touching me, maybe just because she was tired? Or was in comfy positions?
14. Next morning, in between snoozing alarms, she got up on top of me and we had sex, and switched from woman on top to missionary, finding that sweet spot (again, not sure if that was pleasant to her or not). Embarrassingly enough,she did not scream not orgasm even last night (im disappointed in myself for this). I fingered her again and she seemed to enjoy it, and we napped a little bit with her cuddling me. She was very tired from the day before, like me.
15. Waking up a few minutes later she then all of a sudden jumped up from bed, put clothes on. I did so as well. Then she grabbed her keys and told me 'are you ready?' Sounding irritated. I was almost taken aback by this, and a little surprised.
16. She seemed irritated. But we went out to the door and she hugged me from behind and kissed me from behind. She then took me home but she says she is really tired, and she is coming over to her lady best friend's house to chill. She was quiet on the drive. I was too. She touched my hand once but that was it. Then when she dropped me off she just said 'bye' with a tired/upset look on her face. I said bye but gave her a kiss. Then I got out of the car. Later on she immediatelt posts a meme/gif on facebook, poking about how easing back into dating sucks (animation of a man trying to enter a jump rope session and tripping all over.)
17. That whole day she never initiated a chat with me. At around 8pm at night I messaged how are you doing. And she just said shea fine, still at her friends place. Than asked how i am. We chatted a bit, but it seemed all small talk to be honest. She kept mentioning that her friend remembers me and that a year ago i told her friend that she is pretty cool. I gave vague answer that 'well, thats not a lie.' She gave me a smiley. Towards the end of the chat, i asked if her bruises healed from my bites, she said no!! And said that she does not like it by the way. I nonchalantly said i respect that. She reaponds with a smiley. Then she said goodnight. She was a bit distant.
18. Next morning, i was surprised, she messaged me 'good morning sunshine.' We had a good chat throughout the day. But this time i gave some space and long intervals between responses. I did not get back to her until night time. I posted a status update on facebook that i am at band rehearsal. She 'liked' it and so she messaged me 'hows it going?' (After hours of me not messaging her). We had a good chat, she seemed sweet to me. Then later on said goodnight sweetie. I responded sweet dreams beautiful. She responded with a kiss smiley.
19. Next morning (tuesday) i said goodmorning, we chatted but she started to become a little distant or disinterested. After giving her space/time intervals before responding at night, i reengaged, she then said 'how's it going'. I said just got home and how are you. She says that she is feeling 'not so' hot because of the leftovers she ate. I said shes fine, she says 'im sure', i said i have those days too, and sent her a meme saying 'youre hot' (not sure if this is too much validation given to her). She says that i am 'such a sweetie.' I tried to break rapport by switching topic saying that i am checking out an apartment that my sis recommended the weekend or next, she says 'that is great'. I said i'll still need to see the place. No response. No goodnight.
20. Wednesday), absolutely no messages from her at all. Not sure if she is ghosting me or 'slow-fading' me. Until I reengaged conversation at night. I told her 'i realized that he past two weeks was a blaze'. And that it might have been 'too fast too soon' for her. She says 'i'm not sure honestly.. i also was wondering the same thing for you.' Then I told her I enjoyed my experience with her. She says the same, and that she 'learned a lot about me.' She then proceeded to say 'i'm wondering..that we could keep it at a FRIEND LEVEL for now. Especially that you are still leaving a 3 yr relationship.' I agreed nonchallantly and slightly changed topics. I said 'i agree, its probly easier to keep it casual for now.' She just says ok.." and i said "confusing i know", she says "its all good" then i said "yeah?" She responds with a funny emoji.
I said gonna hit the hay soon and she said her too. And she said 'goodnight sweetie.' I said 'goodnight pretty' and she responds with a sleeping cat emoji.
Any thoughts and any advice on what i could have done wrong, and what I could do better next time please?
I have decent value and social proof due to being in a band and her seeing other girls say hi and vhat with me at the bar. And generally good at humor.
She did admit though that she notices me being jittery at times, but not sure if that is the main issue.
She has two kids, divorced for years, joint custody.
Her ex bf is the second guy she's 'dated' after being single for years, per her words.
I appreciate al your thoughts in this since I need to learn to be better. My heart is torn but i know this is a learning experience, and would like to know what I did wrong. Thanks in advance!
You are not dating her. You are a convenient drinking buddy who provides what is, to her, less than adequate sex.
Stop with the Netflix and chill type of crap and the going to bars. Take her out for an actual date. As in, you invite her out somewhere (and the person who does the inviting does the paying). Don't have a lot of money? Then make it lunch and mini golf next weekend or something like that. It does not have to be a huge spendfest.
Have a nice time. Don't drink
. And don't stay over. Say you had a nice time (assuming you did), kiss her good night, and go home.
Why am I suggesting this, which may feel like 1950s dating to you? Because the whole thing has been bass ackwards from the beginning. You are each other's rebound sex, as you admit. So if you want it to be anything other than that, then do what used to be referred to as courting
. This means spending time together with a much lower set of sexual/relationship expectations.
I am also suggesting not drinking as (a) it impairs your judgment (b ) it is expensive and you're on a budget and (c ) all of your interactions with her have been through this kind of a boozy haze. So if you have a nice time with her when you are completely sober and she is, too, then there might be something there. If she is an utter bore or she needs alcohol to get through a date with you, then you'll know where you stand, too.
PS A lot of women don't orgasm with penetrative sex. This is probably not the first woman you have had sex with who you did not make orgasm. Welcome to the wonderful world of people faking it. Because they do.