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Mon 22 Nov, 2004 02:15 pm
I am going through a divorce and have been separated for 10 months due to being married 3 years and my husband cheating on me for 4 years out of the seven we were together. So right off the bat I will tell you that I have a problem trusting people.
My best friend and I worked together. She knew the person I was seeing at the time wasn't going very well. One of the guys (Ill refer to him as D) we worked with kept asking her about me. After work one day she called and said the my presence was requested at dinner. So I decided to go. I had a nice time and just kinda left it at that. D continued to call and ask me to do things and I refused for the fact I wanted to make sure I ended the relationship I was in. Well I cleaned up the unfinished business and took D up on a offer to go to bike races. I took a day of vacation on a Friday and we spent all weekend together. He kept telling me that he wanted to just date me and I was fine with that. I couldn't believe what a nice guy he was. I amazed that there were any left.
Here comes the problem. His ex is still in the picture. D swears to me that they are just friends and that is it. She calls all the time. They talk in the mornings then he will call her after he gets off work. They have went out for drinks and at the beginning she would stay at his house.(That was the second month we were dating). He keeps telling me she has a rough life and that when they were dating he didn't really want to be with her so why would he want her now. From what I have heard she has had rough times but the thing that gets me is she doesn't take care of herself at all and I'm not sure what he sees in her. I find myself wondering what he is doing when I am not with him and is she there instead of me. I don't know if it's because my previous experience or what. I really want to believe him. I stay with him every weekend and then sometimes during the week.
Am I overreacting or does this sound fishy to you? It's causing problems between us. I need some good advice.
Be careful until you do trust him. If she never goes away, or you can never accept her being around (I wouldn't) then don't let the relationship ever go anywhere.
Just date until you're ready for something more serious. Doesn't have to be immediately.
Sounds odd.
The phone call routine sounds very much like the one I have with my current S.O.
Having a friendship with a previous commitment is not unheard of; however, indulging in that relationship can be unhealthy for the raltionship that is currently in motion.
If he respects you, he will remain faithful, of course, I know you don't want to just leave it at that, so maybe get involved as well.
When he's going out to meet her, ask to go along. At first, just say that you're tired of being stuck in the house and just want to meet her. This will be an honest effort to spy in the open. You can always watch their demeanor... action speaks louder, and trust me, if something is going on... you will find out.
If he refuses to take you or he declines an invitation to you, simply ask another night; however, DO NOT spy on him... let him know how you feel, make sure he understands that you don't mind him being friends with her, but DO NOT go behind his back.
People claim it's the fastest way to gain the information you want, and they're right, but it's also the quickest way to destroy any shred of deceny left in the relationship.
However, there is certainly nothing wrong with making sure he treats you respectively. Tell him that you would rather he not spend AS MUCH time with her as he has. Don't say you don't want him to see her, just ask him to tone it down. If he truly cares... he will.
It sounds a little fishy to me...
You say she has had a hard life. My guess is that she depends on him to take care of her. He may think she is just a friend but my guess is she has different plans.
I'm not sure you have to worry about him, but I would worry about her. If she sees you moving in on "her territory" she will probably try to defend. She may start talking bad about you, pointing out little faults, putting doubt in his mind... that sort of thing. Then she will be there with her arms wide open when he comes running back.
There is a reason why he has this giant "X" in front
of his past relationship - it is an Ex-spouse and should
remain as such.
Might be, that he's emotionally weak and feels sorry
for her, which in turn she is using to her advantage.
The point is: No one can move ahead into a new relationship
while still holding on to the old one.
If it were me, I would give him an ultimatum!
The Ex girlfriend
I have tried the ultimatum and that didn't work. He is not willing to give her up as a friend. Although he has stopped seeing her, so he says, she doesn't come over to the house and they don't go out anymore. He told me that he did that for me because it bothers me. The only thing they do now is talk on the phone. I am trying to trust him it is just so hard because I don't want to be hurt again!
Mmm...I would be careful. Speaking as a faithful married guy, I have never kept exs as friends, but maybe I'm extreme that way. I figure, it's lovers or friends, but when it's been lovers, then friends, that sends up a red flag for me that says: "I'm a waverer, and hedging my bets on the possibility of getting back with this girl, and if that doesn't work, I have somebody else to rely on."
I agree with Cav. Your boyfriend may not realize he's doing it though.
I partially agree with cav. A healthy relationship shouldn't have previous romances around, but some people do find comfort in remaining friends...
Although, like I said, your partner should be willing and able to tone down the interactivity between them... especially if he cared enough about the current relationship.
My wife and I have currently been seperated for the last 2.5 months, and we're getting divorced soon.
There wasn't a huge fight or anything, nobody cheated on the other, we're just realizing we have different desires & goals, and that we should probably end it now, on good terms (though she did press some of my buttons), while we still love each other.
I'll be damned before I just give up my relationship with her - a woman I've spent 8 years of my life with (I'm 25) for some new woman who's jealous or whatever of the attention I give my ex.
We went through a LOT together. If she needs support in anyway, be it crashing at my place, needing some money etc so be it. I'd do it for a friend, I'll definatley do it for her.
The Ex girlfriend
I wanted to say thanks for all the advice. The phone calls and all have toned down now. They don't talk as much and he has made it known that there is nothing between them anymore. He has shown alot of improvement over the past few weeks and things are alot better between us. I sat him down and told him that I can deal with them talking to an extent but that is it! I'm not willing to put myself through a situation like I have had in the past. I put my foot down and it seemed to work!
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