How can I make this work? Should I just let it all go? Or can I somehow cope?

Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 07:30 am
This is going to be a bit of a long story, so I thank anyone who can stick around long enough to read it. I don't usually do this kind of thing, but this eating at me. This story mainly involves 3 people, myself, one of my best friends: Rick, and my other best friend, as well as my ex-girlfriend, Leilani.

Rick and I have been friends and rivals since high school. We have friendly competitions in everything. Leilani and I met when we were both 18. We hit it off immediately, I have never entered a relationship so fast, but it turned out to be the best year of my life. I introduced her to rick and we all spent almost every day together, just having fun as a group of friends. We let others in on it too, on and off people would join and leave our "group". As for the relationship, It only lasted the one year, and that much was my fault. I let older, abusive relationships affect me in a much better one, and I can admit, the relationship ended because of my failure to cope, and inability to let go of the past. It was finished completely when I sought advice from someone, and he intentionally ruined things so he could have a chance with Leilani himself. (I told her this, and she didn't believe me until this became clear years later) However, me and Leilani had remained friends. Despite how hurt she was, she told me "I still want you around, because I can't imagine my life without you in it."

So while our relationship ended, the time we spent together with friends and having a blast didn't, it went on for years even as we became adults. Me and Leilani still confided in eachother about things in life, like relationships and other problems. It was one of those situations where a guy that would give a woman the world, has to listen to her vent about how other people don't treat her right. Regardless, I was fine with it, and we shared almost everything. I did try and rekindle our relationship for quite some time, with her always turning me down respectfully. But it never negatively affected us.

I'm 24 now, and despite the fact that I've come and gone a lot over the years, our friendships never really deteriorated.

However, one day , a few months ago (perhaps around April) im hanging out with Leilani, and Rick gives me a call. I leave Leilani for a bit to see what Rick wants, because he never usually calls me one on one. He asked me how I would rate our friendship, I told him our friendship meant a lot to me.

He said it was the same for him, so he had to come clean about a truth. One hidden from me for years. I had always thought of this possibility, but i was always assured that I was wrong..

Leilani and Rick had been seeing each other on and off for years. Starting not too long after me and Leilani broke up, and Rick made some other lies I was told clear, and also had proof. Unrefutable proof that Leilani gave him so much more than she had given me. and it all happened because he made her. She wanted to be with him, he gave her conditions, and she went with them......... =/

Rick seemed apoligetic. But not miserable so. It took him years, but he was prepared to accept whatever wrath I had for him. Rick always teased me about how he had this amazing girlfriend. and that I knew her, but always refused to tell me who it was.. Maybe they were laughing at me.. haha. But I had to give Rick credit. He told me the truth. Granted, he only did this after their relationship was driven into the dirt past the point of them being able to maintain even a friendship.

Leilani, who I was around so much more often... never did. Never even tried. I felt like an idiot, for years I bragged about how me and Lei had such a great friendship after our relationship ended. How we could tell each other anything and everything, how close we were and blah blah blah. To find out that it all was a lie. I felt like a god damn fool.

I let Rick go and returned to Leilani, I gave a very vague hint as to what me and RIck spoke about, and she immediately knew. I knew everything. She didnt try to lie, she didn't try to cover anything. She just seemed to accept some kind of defeat, listened to my rant and answered my question. She was sorry, and didn't try to justify. However, one of my biggest strengths, and probably my biggest weakness is my ability to try and forgive. I told her to never lie to me again, and that Ill speak to her whenever I speak to her. I cut off all contact for a few days. When I returned, I acted as if everything was back to normal.

Since then, we touched the subject a few times. She honestly feels she didn't deserve forgiveness, and she was prepared to be out of my life. But the reason it was so easy to try and forgive is because I value my friends more than anything else. We've all been together for so long, I can't begin to imagine what my life would be like, with two massive holes where my two best friends used to be in it. and I explained that to her, Leilani is here because I want her to be. I need her to be. Despite the lies, this connection has gone on too strong for too long to let go so simply.

It's been fine since then, however. Me and Leilani, who had to watch each other come in and out of **** relationships (Because Rick which was the one hidden from me.) Once discussed maybe trying our relationship again, now that its been six years, we are older, and much more mature.

However...... since I found out the truth.... The truth itself. It haunts me. I am often and so easily reminded of how my best friend got to indulge in the most amazing woman I ever met. For years, and he got so much more than I did, while treating her much worse... I can't forget the feeling of betrayal. The thoughts of what was done during all that time.. the "proof" that Rick had for me. It literally, haunts me. Wether I am awake, or asleep, and at any given time..

I don't want these thoughts and feelings, I don't want it to bother me so much. Especially with the possibility that me and Leilani might get back together. Something I've wanted for so long. But I KNOW the relationship will eventually fail, if I feel like this. How do I let go? What do I do??
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Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 07:12 pm
- He was your best friend, but never called you other than in group situations?

- He was your best friend, but dated a girl you still had feelings for?

- He was your best friend, but wouldn't tell you who his girlfriend was?

- They were both your best friends, and they both lied to you for years?

You see where this is going?

I don't want these thoughts and feelings, I don't want it to bother me so much. Especially with the possibility that me and Leilani might get back together. Something I've wanted for so long. But I KNOW the relationship will eventually fail, if I feel like this. How do I let go? What do I do??
Admit all the toxic aspects of a relationship with such people, and let them go.

A woman who behaves like that isn't amazing... such behaviour is very ugly, and that ugly behaviour is a symptom of serious character flaws.

If you need any other form of confirmation - go through your post, and put in a list, all the negative emotions your relationship with these two people is having on you.

There's no positive high enough to overcome such - 'amazing' doesn't cut it (and isn't real). No person should destroy themselves for:
- any other person (no matter what they think of them)
- a mere possibility
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Reply Sun 18 Jun, 2017 12:34 am
I really don't think you know the definition of a "best friend" because those people aren't it. Cut them both out. If she wanted you, she would have chosen you and not played these games dating your friend. Real friends don't date a friend's crush knowing you have strong feelings for that person.
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Reply Sun 18 Jun, 2017 01:34 am
Lesson that will serve you well the rest of your life; when it's a long story it's time to walk away and call it quits. Seriously. A long story is just you trying to justify to yourself why you are doing this wrong, stupid thing.
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Reply Mon 19 Jun, 2017 01:39 pm
I think you have overstated your relationship with her. She was romantically involved with someone; you were in the friend zone, but in your own head you were in a fantasy zone. She had no obligation to tell you anything about her own personal life. Thats why she doesnt feel the need to apologize or explain.

The complication is Rick. He should have told you that they were involved for the only reason that he probably knew you were crushing on her and she was taken. Funny that he breaks the news just as he exits the scene. Passive aggresive , for sure.

They were sneaky and maybe cruel but you were naive and not savvy enough to read the clues.

Move on from these folks and be more aware of whats going on in the future. Next time you feel that you are that "close" to someone, make sure you both understand whats going on.
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