Custodial parents! Help me with visiting day problems.

Another restorative hug for you ((((Boomer))))

I admire you so much for your earnest trying to make it right for little Mo.

I think you've already had great advice and I particularly love everything that Noddy has said. [Hold your Dominion, yes!] I think Mo is feeling conflicted and seems obviously stressed to me.

There is only one thing I can suggest which doesn't seem to have been mentioned -- the litany of all those you love is such a good thing, but here's something else.

Before he goes, make sure he knows that there is something delightful planned for when he returns to you. Maybe it is making peanut butter cookies or ants on a log. Maybe it is going to a film or taking the dog for a walk. Give him something he can hang onto when he's there, some homey memory of you, because you really are his home.

How's that stupid rat, Winnie, doing? Badly, I hope. Ahh, maybe it is good to have something to hate.

Piffka- What a great idea!

The idea of instilling the concept of continuity, IMO, would be wonderful for the boy!

Thanks, Phoenix. Knowing Boomer, she's probably already thought of this.

Oh, I wish we could all give little Mo some hugs. (We'd scare him, I'm sure!)

What a tough situation. If it's any consolation, I think Little Mo is reacting the way most children of divorced parents react. IMHO, the anger is to be expected. He's feeling that he has no control over his life. Maybe he's not ready for the overnight visits.

Also, I suggest that when the other mom brings Mo home, you should talk about other things in front of him rather than talk about how Mo was at her house. You can call her later to get details if necessary. Mo is looking to you both for some understanding of what's going on here. If you are unsure of where the mom/son relationship is headed, he will pick that up.

You very well could be right, Phoenix. Honestly, I don't think she wants him back. She might be trying to show her motherly side to the new boyfriend by renewing an interest in her children (she also has twin daughters that live with their father). Perhaps there is talk of such things when he's there.

Still, she would have to go to court to even start the process.

Thank you, Piffka!

That is a really good idea. We do have our little ritual but perhaps it does need to be something we talk about in advance... "When you come home tomorrow we'll make cookies!" or something like that.

In the past the trouble has really been that his mom is very unreliable about visits (his dad is way, way, way worse) so I don't talk about them too much in advance. Typically I will confirm that the visit is still on the night before he is to see her and tell him about it on the morning he is going to see her. If he expects them and they don't show up he gets upset.

Maybe I'm confusing him! Putting some continutiy on it is most certainly a good idea.

Excellent points, Swimpy. That is one of the reasons I addressed this to custodial parents - I assume they deal with the same separation/reunion problems.

I find myself nodding to "he will pick up on that". Kids pick up on everything, don't they? I will make it a point to keep myself in check.

Boomerang--

Remember kids always save nasty, revolting, acting-out discontent behavior for the people they love and trust.

Perhaps Mo has been a Big Boy all during his "home" visit (in part because he doesn't trust Mama & "C" to understand less-than-perfect behavior) and when he's safe at his real home with you, all his insecurities can be acted upon.

Didn't want you talking to other kids? Could he not like sharing Mama with "C"? or "C" with Mama?

Of course he couldn't be possessive in front of Mama or "C"--you are the one who loves him enough to understand less-than-perfect behavior.

Keep holding. Someday you'll dance at his wedding.

Yeah, they do. The problem is, they don't have the maturity or the wisdom to quite understand or interpret what is going on. Therefore, Mo may be perceiving things incorrectly, which may add to his anxiety.

Another idea!

My mom is visiting this weekend -- she's been doting on sozlet, giving her a ton of attention, we've been doing fun things together. All good, right?

Well, mostly. The last two nights (after two days with my mom) the kid's had an absolute breakdown before bed. Crying and crying and crying. Last night after I calmed her down I asked her what THAT was all about. She looked sheepish and said "I forget." (The reasons given at the time were I wasn't carrying her up the stairs correctly... She'd already peed, how dare I ask her... she had a tummy ache... [once she was lucid again, she said her tummy was fine.])

Anyway, I remembered that's something that's happened before. Our days have their own structure to them, and are marked by a lot of quiet, individual time -- I'm not in her face all day. I'd purposely tried to schedule some quiet downtime for her, with my mom doing something in one room and us doing something in another, but she just went over to my mom. Today I enforced some quiet time, just winding up (gotta go.)

Point -- no big issues here, no abandonment fears or whatever, but the stimulation itself was just too much. She just had to let off some steam.

I think Mo likes C more than he likes his mom. Anyway he does talk more about fun things with C (video games, sidewalk racing, etc) than he does about fun things with his mom.

I guess I'm guilty of taking out my most revolting behavior to display to the ones I love too. I'm sure Mr. B would be happy to confirm that.

"Anxiety" is really a very good word to describe what is going on, Phoenix. Rationality is not his forte, which is probably true of all three year olds, so his interpretation could be skewed.

Now that you mention it soz, Mo is a nut for routine, a real habit monster. He likes things done in the same way, by the same person each and every time. The complete upheaval in his schedule would cause stress in anyone.

By the same token, I took him to Texas with me last summer and he was completely fine. Also, when he was really little he would often spend a night here, spend a night there, spend a night elsewhere and he always seemed fairly calm about it. But then, his life was hardly routine with anything when he was very small.

boomerang--

You are his rock, his shelter, his buffer. Evidently when you're around he can tolerate a disrupted schedule. He can even spend an overnight with his mom--but he misses you and the security you provide terribly.
Grit your teeth--his unwinding time is a compliment.

As for preferring "C" to mom: Little Mo is very aware that he is a boy. You are love and security and his whole world, but men--Mr. B. and "C" and his own blood father--men are where the real action is.

Of course when the Men's Lodge gets overwhelming, he needs your arms and your lap for solace and recovery.

Men! Charming at all ages!

Boomer,

Have you tried any kind of play therapy? Basically toys/dolls/puppets that Mo can use to act out his experiences at mom's and C's. (Don't tell him that's what they're for, of course. You have to be careful to let him to the playing without trying too hard to guide it.)

Yes, a lot of therapists do that. Possibly wise to have a therapist observe.

Thank you, Noddy.

Hi MerlinsGodson. That does sound like a good idea but I do wonder if that would be something best left to a professional.

Mo seems to get confused about the term "mom". I started out being called "Abuela" and then Mo decided that I would be called "Mom". He was very adamant about it. I talked to his mom about it and she understood so we all just let it go. I ususally refer to us as his mOthers.

I try not to over analyze everything but for the last several days we have played and endless game wherein mommy animal rescues the baby animal over and over and over.

I'm being a good and patient mommy animal.

Well, maybe you don't, but I tend to analyze a lot. IMO, Mo is sending out a message, loud and clear. He is describing, through his play, what is on his mind. I think that it is important for you to get to the bottom of it.

For what it's worth, I come down sort of in the middle on that -- sozlet's behavior has been similar in a lot of ways (and she's ordinarily an extremely amiable kid) with nothing more sinister than a visit from her grandmother happening. (She's had crying jags each night -- one night she fell asleep with no crying, whew, then woke up an hour and a half later, hysterical.)

The main reason I suggest counseling is not because of any crisis situation with Mo, but because boomer is asking a lot of great questions, ones I feel a little ill-equipped to answer. It seems like finding a good professional and working with him or her could help answer some of these very good questions and give boomer more peace of mind.

It is really hard to know when behavior is important and when it is just normal. Right now the rescue game seems important because he wants to play it so much and because its new behavior.

I'll continue to play along since important or not it is something he wants to do. Rescue is an easy game to play - I get lots of kisses and snuggles out of it.

"Mommie to the Rescue" is Little Mo's way of expressing a universe too complicate to verbalize with his limited vocabulary and syntax.

He's doing his own therapy--over and over and over--repetition works!

Every Rescue Scenario has a happy ending--Little Mo is in control.

Don't let the "therapy" part of play therapy throw ya. Just give him the toys and observe; you may or may not get some insights.

What is the danger from which someone needs rescuing?

Mo climbs up on top of this little two shelf bookcase in his room for rescuing. I lift him down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.