Custodial parents! Help me with visiting day problems.

oh, the poor confused kid. I dunno, Boomer, but I'd want to keep the visits shorter if I could.

<sigh>

Yes, littlek.

Mom has a new boyfriend who really, honestly seems like a good guy. Mo really likes him. In fact, Mo talks more about C (the boyfriend) than he does about mom. C comes from a big family and has close ties to all of them. He likes kids and he's good with kids. I think that he is the reason that Mo's mom is trying to be momish.

I guess I should just level with "Mom" about what I have to deal with after these visits.

You should, but gently.

Might Little Mo feel worried about "cheating" on you by enjoying time with his mother and "C"? What would happen if instead of having him dropped off if you picked him up--proving that you could find him anywhere.

Like most kids from complicated broken homes, transition times are very difficult.

As part of your Welcome Home Ritual, I'd start a long litany of the people who love Little Mo: You do. Mr. B's does. His mother does. C. does. His father does. His half-sisters do. The family pets are crazy about him.
There is an earthworm in the back yard that thinks Little Mo is nicer than hot chocolate. The queen ant of the biggest ant hill in Oregon thinks Little Mo.....

You get the idea.

Now, make it very clear that it is perfectly OK By You if Little Mo loves all these people back.

Instant parenthood! Such fun!

Hold your dominion.

Yeah, yeah, right. Fun.

I keep finding myself singing

"Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed
Most peculiar, momma."

That was John Lennon, I think.

I will indeed try those ideas, Noddy. They are really good suggestions. Not too complicated. Something I might be able to handle in my otherwise overblown emotional state.

I know better than to take his behavior personally but after an already trying day it is hard not to be fragile.

I would sit down with him right after a visit and ask him how it went, use a light toned manner. He has voice and he can speak can't he.
Just casually ask "did you have fun, what did you do that you enjoyed, how do you feel" etc. Help him to recognize his feeling's.

I DO do that paulaj!

He does talk about his visit but his behavior is so weird that I wonder which is speaking louder.

Like littlek said, he seems confused --by "other mother" and "mom" -- our titles are interchangable.

And, like Noddy said, the transition seems to be the most difficult part. (I can't be sure of what his behavior is when he gets to his mom's house, "fine" is her response to everything).

I like that about "recognizing his feelings" but I'm not too sure of how to do that. I'm not sure that he recognizes his feelings.

Not to throw any more on your already overflowing plate, but are you absolutely sure that everything at Mo's other house really is "just fine"?

I apologize that I have not been here as long as most of the people who know you and Mo, so I don't know the circumstances under which Mo came to you

Does Mo see a child counselor and if so have you discussed his behaviour with him or her?

There are adults who are oblivious as to how they feel or what they feel about a certain situation.

I wonder if there is a children's book that easily explains/identifies feeling's. I don't know of one off hand, there must be one, oh you got me thinking.

I'll do a quick search and if I find one I'll post it.

Found these.
The following books assist teachers in helping children to communicate their feelings:


JIST Publishing Inc., based in Indianapolis, Ind., introduces About Me, a workbook to help elementary-age children explore what they think and feel about events that are important to them. For more information, visit www.kidsrights.com or call (800) 892-5437.

Parenting Press, Inc., based in Seattle, Wash., offers The Way I Feel by Janan Cain. The picture book is for kindergarten and first grade children. For more information, visit www.ParentingPress.com or call (800) 992-6657.

Childswork/Childsplay, based in Plainview, N.Y., has created The Anger Solution Workbook with multiple paper and pencil activities for children to do anger control homework. For more information, visit www.childswork.com or call (800) 962-1141

A great big restorative hug to you, boomer.

I do wonder if it's time to get a counselor in the picture -- so you can stop guessing, get some feedback from a pro. That's scary too, though, in lots of ways.

Hi Lady J. I have know Mo's mom for 10 years and I really do think everything is fine when he goes to visit. He does seem to have had fun but I also think its a bit stressful for him.

Mr. B gave me his "glamour parent" talk last night after Mo went to bed. Mr. B, based on his own childhood experience, thinks that any parent you don't live with is always more glamorous than the one you do live with. Since you don't see them often you get their undivided attention and they kind of spoil you. Then you go home and wait until they decide to show up again. He reminded me that he was nearly 30 before he got it all sorted out.

Thank you paulaj for those resources. I will certainly look into them. Even though they seem geared to kids a bit older than Mo I might be able to get some good ideas from them.

Thanks for the hug, soz!

I'm going to talk to Mo's doctor again about counseling. The last time we spoke of it she felt that Mo was still a bit too young to fully benefit from it.

I know I probably sound like a compete nut with all these parenting questions I've been asking lately. I'm really not losing it quite as bad as it seems. I think the holidays have these people coming out of the woodwork and that is stirring things up a lot.

Boomerang--

A lot of twaddle is in the air about the Holidays being dedicated to All Who Are Young at Heart.

Unfortunately, some of those Young At Heart are also Immature to the Bone. Slap greenery all over your woodwork and the Immature will still ooze out of it.

Little Mo knows loving mama is dangerous...she isn't a fixed star....and that he's better off with you..but he does love her and he really hopes this is ok...but he's not sure because mama is so needy....

Barf.

For all I know at some level Mama's competing with you as a mother and at another level she's competing with Little Mo in sibling rivalry.

As a special treat, you get to keep the Totally Adult costume you wore on Halloween--and wear it for the next 15 years.

Perspective: Life is hard right now. Would you like to invite Mo's blood family--both sides and half-sisters, all generations for Thanksgiving? Under the circumstances you could serve TV dinners because you'd be too busy running the metal detector at the door to cook.

Hold your dominion.

Boomerang- What do you think THIS is all about? Do you know why she gave up (lost?) custody of the boy? Do you have any reason to think that there might be something going on at the mother's house that may be traumatic to this child?

The glamour parent thing makes a lot of sense, as well as what Noddy said about mixed feelings. Definitely a lot for a kid to deal with.

(Phoenix, not sure if you've had a chance to read the whole saga -- boomer's laid it all out over the course of a few threads.)

The competition thing is interesting Noddy, something I hadn't really considered before. I certainly won't compete -- I have too many day to day concerns and I think that type of competition is so destructive. It could be that B (Mo's mom) sets it up somehow when he's there.....

Your post also made me realize that B really hit me up for photos yesterday. "Can I come in for photos?" Then, "Can I bring C with me?" Then, "Can I bring the dogs too?" Then, "The twins need photos too, can I set up a session for them?"

Hmmmmm......

Phoenix, I really wish I knew what this was all about!

When Mo was born Mr. B and I were his proxy-grandparents type people. He spent a lot of time with us. Right before his second birthday he was spending the night at our house when his parents got into a fight. They never picked him up again. He's been here now for two years.

About six months ago Mr. B and I found a lawyer who didn't just laugh at us for wanting to file for custody (since we were non-relatives every other attorney said we didn't stand a chance). We went to court, filing under Oregon's psychological parenting law. Both of Mo's parents eventually signed on allowing us to have full legal custody rather than face hearings and investigations.

I really don't think there is anything bad happening when he visits his mom's house -- maybe stress. Like I said, I don't know if he's mad at me or mad at her. He clings to me, ignores her, and once she's gone he starts taking his frustration out on me.

When Mo was really little, before he lived here, he would always cling to me when I would go and pick him up and he would always cry when his parents came to pick him up to take him home. I guess I was the "glamour parent" back then.

Honestly, I'm just baffled.

How long does his acting out last? How does he behave towards you in between visits?

It sounds like this boy is very conflicted. After all, his mom just upped and abandoned him. Is it possible that he is concerned that you might abandon him too?

What you don't know is what is being said to him at his mother's house. Just a thought. Is it possible that now that the mother has a steady relationship, that she may be indicating to the boy that she might take him back? Could that be why he is clinging to you?

I really think that a professional is needed to sort everything out.

Usually after a good night's sleep the acting out slows way down - the next day is usually a bit more emotional than usual but nothing too extreme.

Between visits life is pretty ordinary. Like most three year olds he can pitch a pretty good fit but they don't last long.

He did get really mad at me at the park on Thursday morning -- all the kids from the nearby preschool were there playing and usually he just joins in playing with them. This time, he became really mad when I would talk to any of the other kids. Once he got on his bike to ride home he was fine. His mom picked him up just a few hours later.

I suppose in kid-world it is possible that he thinks I might abandon him, people have disappeared from his life regularly. I can't think of any way I might have sent him that message, the message that I might disappear.

It seems that many people here agree that almost-four is not too young for counseling. I am definately going to call his doctor.

YOU may not have sent him that message, but you have no idea of what is being said when he is with his mother. Even if nothing is said, if his biological mother is totally appropriate, he apparently has bonded with you, and to visit with another "mother" may be causing him some conflict and stress.