No sex...

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Hi,

I've been married for over 4 years and we have 2 young children.

My concern is that, before marriage we used to have lots of varied sex (anal, oral and even some kinky stuff that she knew turned me on).

Since marriage I have had NO oral sex, anal or anything even remotely kinky. She says that "she's not into that stuff anymore".

We have sex about once a month and when she says she's not into having sex I suggest oral or mutual masturbation or something like that and she always says "how can she do that if she's not in the mood". We DO hug and kiss a lot (no french kissing...)

Granted she recently had a baby so I can understand not wanting intercourse but she won't do anything sexual and doing it on my own is boring.

The other morning I told her that I'd had a very sexual dream about her and she said "Keep Dreaming"...

We love each other and everything else is really good in our relationship...just the lack of any type of sex is driving me crazy.

I don't think I'd ever cheat but I had a dream the other night that I did. It was a wild dream. I didn't tell her about it.

She recently did tell me that she'd had a dream that she had cheated on me but it wasn't good because she dreamed that she had caught an STD from the guy...

Any comments or advice for me?

Thanks.

Trev.

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screw her...cheat....

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don't you mean screw someone else... cheat?

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In a rut
It's easy to get in a rut. Your wife is the young mother of two small children. Sex isn't a priority. Asking something like, "how about some" after you crawl in bed for the night might not be too enticing. (I'm not saying that's how you approach your wife, but you do need to think about your approach.) Sex may seem like just another job or expectation to her -- and she probably isn't in the mood to perform. If you want more sex, you have to make her want it too. Seduce your wife.

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On this topic, there are many good editorials on the subject online...

This one is from a woman's perspective, but it does give insightful commentaries on the issue as a whole:
http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/70/446/

I recently read somewhere that a big reason why relatively new mothers lose a lot of their sex drive is because they feel more motherly and less like a lover; less sexy, in other words. Tired, and expected to take care of the children and keep the household happy and sex becomes another chore.

I'm far too young to speak from experience here, but Debra's advice of "Seduce your wife" doesn't sound like a bad idea. Make her feel sexy, like she's still worth the time and adventure you two can have together. Find subtle ways to remind her of the fun you two used to have..

Have you discussed this with her? That would help quite a bit. To discuss it in a relatively open, supportive manner, to guage her general feelings on the subject more.

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Is there a grandma nearby, or a trusted baby sitter with whom you can leave the kids for an evening, or maybe even a weekend? Get dressed up, buy her flowers, and take her for a wonderful meal. If possible, take her to a hotel. Treat her like you did when you two were courting. Come on to her. Make her feel desirable and loved.

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I think sex, good sex that is, is something that should happen from the time you get up in the morning until you fall asleep at night. Chances are with two small children your wife feels less than sexy.

Say things and do things that make her feel like a sexy vibrant woman, not just a mother, and chances are she'll come around.

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No sex...

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