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Mon 15 Nov, 2004 11:27 pm
This is my first time posting and I honestly don't know where else to post or ask for advice. I have been contemplating going to a counselor for this for about a month now or some or sort of professional help. I never would have thought in a million years I'd be in this position but I am, so I need to figure out what to do. I'll try to keep it short, I'm pretty talkative!
The Background: Been married for 2 years, dated for 4 years previously. In the last year we have had a baby and bought a house. There have always been some issues, mostly: adult ADD, sex, division of work, his addiction to video games (one in particular), and way he spends money. Problems he has with me, he would probably say I don't give him enough sex, other than that I have no clue what else he needs because he won't tell me. Up until about 1 month ago, all those problems still existed in strong force.
The Present: I approached him about 3 weeks ago, at which time I was going to post here because I was about to freak out. I told him how I felt and what needed to change for me since things are just not going right. He got out these books I bought us about 2 months ago one called "His Needs, Her Needs" and started to read them. He got so into them that he started to force them on me! One night I literally had to tell him to back-off because he was basically trying to get me to sit on the couch and put the books in my face. I started to read them the next day and there is a section on Affairs. This is where my post turns; it really shocked me to find out that I was close to having a sorta affair with my co-worker. Well as much as you could online we hugged and were very flirtatious at times but that is about it. As far as I know we did not cross the sexual line, he would call me sweetie and I would call him silly pet names etc, but I know that is still not appropriate for a married women. It was wrong and I admit that, but we did not go past that. I for whatever reason thought it was okay and still hided it from my DH. We hit it off from the very beginning when I started to work for our co. and chatted for hours. The thing is, that we both work out of our homes so we chatted via online chat. We would work together but chat in-between to pass the hours. Eventually we would chat about his GF's problems but I don't think I've every talked much about my DH. I ended up getting pregnant and things changed for my co-worker and I. We still chatted a lot through my pregnancy, at the time he would just be so nice to me and he would give me the type of attention I needed. DH was still very much into video games, so I would stay up and chat with my co-worker even after work. Co-worker got engaged to his GF during this time and it made it easier for me to chat with him because I could tell DH he was engaged. Around the time baby was born he went back to school (about 1 year ago). At this point he is very busy with school, but has broken up with his GF and I am very busy with baby, work, home life. We both still work for the same company and see each other online through work. I always used to have a joke with co-worker that I have to delete my log files, and about 3 months ago I told him I was going to try very hard to not have to do that anymore because DH and I were trying to do better than also. I think he realized than that I was saying we had to stop being flirty or whatever it is that we had going on. Before that chat ended I told him that I wanted him to sing me another song with his guitar he learned how to play in the last year and I could not think of one. So he posted me the song "Nothing compares to you" and we didn't chat for about another month even at work. We have chatted on and off since than, and he still calls me his sweetie from time to time. I have tried to avoid him so much and I know he is avoiding me too at this point, he makes jokes about how he doesn't chat with me anymore because there's not a chance to be with me. He says he is just joking.
The Problem: My problem is that, since my DH and I have worked on these books for 3 weeks. DH has been great, more than great even. He has gone above and beyond and he has gotten me all kinds of gifts. The thing is, that this is the same pattern that he always does. I say there is something wrong and I say I am tired of this and things have to change. He changes for a while FULL SPEED and he buys me all kinds of things (of course with money we don't have). But he always gets back into the same exact pattern. I don't understand why my own DH does not want to help with me around the house (not even doing guy type jobs), would rather play a video game than hang with me or even his baby, and mostly why he would expect me to pleasure him all day long, when he barely does a thing for me. I have to deal with months of him denying that he is in his old pattern! I guess I'm jumping the gun on assuming he will revert, but that's not my only problem. My second problem is, well while I barely even chat with my co-worker, all I can think about is him! I am doing these marriage books and he just pops into my mind. I do not understand why this is happening, I have been trying to hard to follow the books and I have been trying to meet my hubby's needs as he is mine, but when I lay down to go to bed or I take a nap or I get online, I just want to think or chat with him. It has been a long while that we really chatted chatted like we did back when we were flirtatious. I do not understand how now that we barely chat for more than 5 minutes, I am still thinking of him the same way I did 1 year ago. I cannot keep my mind focused on my marriage.
My anxiety over this issue has increased and I am getting extremely depressed. I have wanted to see a counselor for months and every time I let my DH know this, he tells me "why do you want to see them, they will just tell you to break up with me" and similar lines to that. I want whatever is best for my baby and I think I need a counselor help to let me see thing clearly. I have no idea how to find one and quite frankly I am embarrassed about this whole thing. I never thought I would be in this situation. Please do post your honest advice/opinion, I want to make changes in my life. Sorry if its so long!
Gosh, where to start Kitty. I would make just a couple of quick suggestions. Hope they will help.
First, if he is playing his video games as much as you seem to indicate, then I think he has not matured enough to realize his priorities should be his family. One thing I would do is suggest doing things the three of you can do together when he is home. Such as going to a park for a walk. That type of thing. Get him out of the house (and away from the game) and doing something together.
Secondly, I don't know if you regularly attend a church, but talking to your pastor may be a place to start for counseling. He may be more agreeable to this since most pastors are not going to recommend you leave him, thus allaying his fears. Even if he won't go, it would help you to talk to someone. And a pastor of your church would not charge you anything.
Anyway, the crux of the matter seems to be a bit of immaturity in my opinion. I don't know your ages, but until he grows up and realizes it is not all about him anymore, you will probably continue to have problems.
Oh, one more thing. And this one is for you. Stop the flirting. You are married. The grass is not greener on the other side, it just appears so. Any marriage takes work and dreaming or imagining being with someone else is not healthy for your marriage any more than his obsessive game playing is.
The grass may be greener on the other side...but remember that the really green grass has been fertilized with lots of s*it.
Ha, that's a terrific phrase Kristie. I'll remember that one!
Kitty, in reading your post I got the impression,
you whine a lot. Your husband has all the intention
to change as he's proven to you already.
I think the operative question here is: why does he fall
back into the old pattern again. Is it because there is
little feedback coming from you?
You seem preoccupied with other things and although
you haven't crossed the line to adultery yet, your mind
is not with your husband.
It always takes two to tango, doesn't it?
Wow, KittyBoots! A lot there indeed, but thanks for laying it all out. Often posters here give the bare minimum and we don't have nearly enough to go on.
I think your instincts about seeing a counsellor yourself are right on. Your husband may not want you to, but that's kind of too bad at this point. You need to figure things out, you are obviously conflicted, and it may well be to his benefit if you do indeed get a clearer head with the help of counselling.
It sounds like you have done a good job of backing away from the co-worker flirtation thing. Keep it up, don't give into temptation there -- it's the last thing you need right now. Figure out yourself and your marriage first.
Do you have regular social contact with other people? Not your husband, not your online co-workers? Other moms, friends? I'd really recommend that to get you out of what seems to be your fairly narrow sphere. If your online co-workers are the only people you are interacting with, they take on outsized importance.
It's great that your husband seems to really be trying, that is encouraging. How old is your baby? That time of your marriage -- after a baby is born, the adjustment -- is often the hardest time of all, so if there is hope, it might be all downhill after this. [Edit: uphill...? what I meant is that once you get through this, everything after this might be easier.]
You can do couples counselling too, of course, after you have gotten some things straight and have some advice from your counsellor. That would probably involve some relationship parameters that you expect your husband to adhere to (and you, too.)
This really seems to have the ingredients to allow you to pull things out with a little (OK maybe a lot) of work.
Good luck!!
Is playing video games the worst thing your husband does?
It sounds to me like you better get to a counselor. It seems to me like there is either something you are not telling us or you are trying to justify your flirting. It sounds to me like he wants to work on the relationship. He is reading books and trying hard. I suggest getting to a couselor even if he won't go... perhaps if you are going by yourself he will follow.
And follow CostalRats advice... stop flirting. If you really want what is best for your baby you will put your feelings for your co-worker aside and work on the relationship with your husband. Good Luck and Welcome to A2K.
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