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marriage problem over wife not contributing equally financially in a marriage

 
 
Reply Thu 1 Jun, 2017 01:22 pm
I am having a debate with my newly husband over financial responsibilities of providing for a household. He is currently working and I have moved countries after we got married. I want to work but I have different priorities on quality of life and building a life and family and later raising kids.
However, my husband says that in general, a woman has less rights if she is not working and contributing financially, that that defies partnership and feminism, and that in the modern age, it is not the man’s obligation or responsibility to be the provider of the family. He is saying that only in conservative families is it the case where the husband is the provider and the wife contributes minimally or none at all. That in the majority of cases, both the husband and wife are providing together, and it is not on most part the responsibility of the husband.
I think there are a lot of cases other than in conservative families where the wife is minimally contributing or none at all. I have no problem if the woman is the provider, or both, or the man alone depending on the circumstances. But I still think that even in modern age, the woman still has more responsibilities with the house and pregnancy and raising children, and the man still has more responsibilities financially. I think it still is in most part and in most cases the man’s responsibility to be the provider in the family, with exceptions. I know it depends on the case, but in my case, I do not want to be belittled or labelled as conservative or outdated if I think this way, I want to be able to keep my priorities, without needing to buy my rights or respect through how much I am earning and contributing (just like the husband shouldn’t be belittled if he is a stay at home dad or not contributing as much financially). So the point of disagreement is whether what I think has become obsolete and outdated nowadays, or is it still normal for the husband to be responsible in most part of the household expenses (with exceptions).
 
View best answer, chosen by LANA RANE
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 1 Jun, 2017 02:28 pm
@LANA RANE,
LANA RANE wrote:
different priorities


the key is right there ^^^

it sounds like you and your husband have different priorities

____

before you were married did you and your husband sit down and talk about your plans for the next 5/10/20 years? do you both want children? when? do you both want to have a house? when? do you both want to continue to vacation? travel together?

while you are discussing these things with your husband, put some time into finding a job because whatever else happens ... you're likely going to need to work
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Thu 1 Jun, 2017 02:29 pm
@LANA RANE,
LANA RANE wrote:
I want to be able to keep my priorities


you're married now and in your partnership, the two of you are going to have to learn to find a middle ground you can agree on

it may take some time with a professional/unbiased counsellor to get to that point
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LANA RANE
 
  1  
Reply Fri 2 Jun, 2017 06:13 am
I have no problem with finding a job at all, my problem is with the approach. You're right we should have discussed these things before marriage but we did not, but I don't have a problem with a middle ground. But it has become very difficult in so many aspects, because I am not only feeling as a burden financially, it is also emotionally, I am not entitled to have feelings on my own because he will get angry because what is going on with him is always more important, and its mostly job related, although I am very supportive in terms of him but it is a burden when it comes to me. I have tried everything including counselling and I'm doing an effort but nothing is changing and I think I have reached a closed door.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 2 Jun, 2017 08:23 am
@LANA RANE,
Did both of you actively participate in the counselling?

There is a possibility that you are married to someone who is not an appropriate partner for you.

Is there a reason you did not discuss such important matters before marriage?

__

In the meantime, get a job.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 4 Jun, 2017 04:42 pm
Get ready for a stormy future, especially if you have kids. He seems set in his perspective of the "roles" each partner plays in a marriage.

Your husband is equating what happens at his work with what happens at home. He thinks 8 hours at work = home life participation. So I don't see him thinking that he should ever prepare a meal, take out the garbage, or change a baby, because that is your "job" because you were at home all day.

Some couples do play these roles, with the understanding that the woman runs the home and the man is the primary breadwinner. It's OK, as long as there is not resentment on one part another. He seems resentful that he's going to have to support the family, while you take care of the children and the home. This shows he does not understand the work involved in child-rearing and running a home.

Sounds like you don't have children yet and you wish to participate a little financially, but really, you have no plans to get a career. Sounds like you want to be taken care of. This guy is having no part of that.

Too bad you didn't talk about this before marriage. Too bad you didn't marry a wealthy man who just wanted to provide for you and not expect you to "earn" your place in the marriage.

Is this an arranged marriage?

What has been the role of his mother in his parent's marriage?


chai2
  Selected Answer
 
  2  
Reply Sun 4 Jun, 2017 07:03 pm
I find it interesting he is all for feminism when it comes to you going out and earning money, but not when it comes to equal communication about other matters, re feelings, as his are more important.

So, if you get a job, and you're getting paid more than he is, will you be able to have more say than him regarding other things in your life together? If you make less, will he tell you he has more say so?

If you had known before marriage these were his beliefs, would you have married him?

Whatever you do, for God's sake, don't get pregnant. Unless of course you want to have a marriage where he tells you what he does is more important (which he's already doing anyway, but without a kid you have more options to leave).

0 Replies
 
LANA RANE
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jun, 2017 09:49 am
@PUNKEY,
That is exactly what I mean, I don't care which ever arrangement we have as long as there is no resentment. It's the mentality, even if being a stay at home mom is not the option that I want, but knowing that there would be resentment and "holding a grudge" as he puts it, is what upsets me. Because then whatever happens it will never be enough.
Olivier5
 
  2  
Reply Tue 13 Jun, 2017 10:27 am
@LANA RANE,
Quote:
It's the mentality, even if being a stay at home mom is not the option that I want, but knowing that there would be resentment and "holding a grudge" as he puts it, is what upsets me.

Imagine if the roles were reversed, and you had to work all day while your husband stays home. Do you think you would be able to not hold a grudge, after a year or two of that?

People tend to expect some fairness in life, especially among partners.
LANA RANE
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jun, 2017 02:09 pm
@PUNKEY,
But I don't want to marry a wealthy man to provide for me that is not the point, it's not about the money or career its just the mentality
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LANA RANE
 
  0  
Reply Tue 13 Jun, 2017 02:19 pm
@Olivier5,
I think it's selfish to hold a grudge against family - parents wife or kids - and fairness is dividing responsibilities which are not solely materialistically
If for whatever reason my husband can't work I will definitely not hold a grudge
Olivier5
 
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Reply Tue 13 Jun, 2017 03:43 pm
@LANA RANE,
LANA RANE wrote:
If for whatever reason my husband can't work I will definitely not hold a grudge

It's not a matter of "can't" because you can work. My question was (or should have been): if he didn't want to work (wanted to do something else with his life than work), what would you think of him?
LANA RANE
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jun, 2017 04:22 pm
@Olivier5,
If for whatever reason one of which he wants to be a stay at home dad then no I will not hold a grudge
This scenario is happening more in some cases (which my husband thinks is wrong too), but in most cases the man is still the breadwinner
Different people have different priorities and the couple can agree on the arrangement which is best suitable. I don't think any arrangement is wrong/right, and I have a problem with people who think there is only one right and the rest are wrong.
In any case I can and want to work but I wouldn't want my husband to think less of me if and when I don't.
D45ist
 
  0  
Reply Wed 14 Jun, 2017 04:51 pm
@LANA RANE,
This is a conversation that should have occurred before the wedding.

The more we "progress" the more ground women lose. I had more control in my marriage 35 years ago than you do today.
0 Replies
 
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Thu 15 Jun, 2017 05:51 am
@LANA RANE,
If begrudging one's partner is childish, how childish is it to begrudge one's partner because of the hypothetical grudges he may or may not entertain in some distant future?

Stop begrudging your husband, especially for such a futile reason. Listen to him. Try and understand his point of view. If you cannot do that, he's likely to divorce you.
CocoS
 
  1  
Reply Thu 15 Jun, 2017 05:47 pm
@Olivier5,
Olivier!

Its sad that we have reached a time where some people like yourself believe that a husband should abandon his wife because she is "currently" useless to him as she is not putting "money" on the table. Noting that she could be useful in many other aspects of his life, but maybe he's too immature, selfish and fixated to see. But anyhow, the lady is saying that she hasn't found a job "Yet". Assuming that begrudging is acceptable between partners, how on earth do you support her husband's theory of grudge when she has the will to work and is flexible to which ever arrangement happens between them but still didn't find the opportunity to. What you "and mainly her husband" failed to see that this was only a temporary situation and he actually did fail miserably in containing her as a partner at a critical time. How about she holds a grudge! Cause clearly He should financially support her until she has found the job.
Olivier5
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 Jun, 2017 05:18 am
@CocoS,
Coco! (?)

That's not what I am saying. I say: if you cannot listen to your spouse and try and understand his or her POV, then chances are he or she will divorce you pretty soon. Marriage is not just about money or sex, it's also about trying to understand one another.

The way I undestand the situation, his views on gender roles are incompatible with hers. He might also start to think that she's a gold digger, or at least a free wheeler, and that's not good. You don't want your man to think that about you, trust me.

Finally, it's hard to go by these days without a second income, unless you marry a filthy rich person, so I see his position as economically realistic, while her musing with being a housewife strikes me as a fantasy borrowed from the 50's.
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Fri 16 Jun, 2017 05:22 am
@Olivier5,
PS: if you write to me, try not to misrepresent my position. I don't like it one bit.
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perennialloner
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 Jun, 2017 08:25 am
@LANA RANE,
I don't think it much matters whether or not the husband as the breadwinner is obsolete in the modern day, though it's not true. Plenty of wives stay at home and work. I don't think it's at all fair to imply they sit on their butts all day. However, the wife as the housewife is a luxury of the wealthy. Wives and girlfriends with partners who do not make a lot of money must work or they will not get by. They might not have white collar jobs but they work, often for longer hours than many people. Sometimes, they work three jobs. They do this because they can't afford not to and their male partners don't have the means to make enough money to support both them and their children. When their children can work, they often do too.

Your husband may similarly not be able to provide for you. And if he is and simply thinks you should contribute, his opinion likely won't change.

You said you moved countries for him which makes me think you had a long distance relationship with your husband right up to your marriage. If this was the case, you hadn't been exposed to each other in the right ways to learn your partner's stance on important subjects. Did you date? Did he always pay? If he did, I think you should bring it up? Because you seem blindsided.

I don't agree with your husband on everything but I understand why he wants you to work. Right now, you don't have children. He works all day and you do what? Hang out with friends? Shop (with his money)? Exercise for the sake of exercising?

I think he feels you're using him if you don't work. If you don't work then you might have to show you're contributing to your marriage. Have dinner prepared when he comes home from work, etc... truly make sure you're working at home.

Im sorry if I misunderstood your post. I think I understand your frustration.
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