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Sun 14 Nov, 2004 08:02 pm
HELP! My X husband came over last week to tell me he had regrets and wanted to "try again".
We where married 18 years and have been divorced just about 2 years. We had a pretty good marriage as marriages go, not a lot of fighting, spent a lot of time together and had lots of respect for each other....and then one day he got a running partner ( he runs in marathons) so that he would have someone to train with. I am not a jealous person and I knew her so I didn't think a lot of it. Then one day about 6 or 7 months later he came home and said he didn't love me anymore, that it wasn't about me and that it was all about him. He said there wasn't anyone else and that he was just confused, and bored. The more I pushed and asked questions the more lies he told. I found out more and more as time went on and then, unfortunately, I accidentally found an email from her to him.....I was very devistated and hurt very deeply. Next thing I know I'm the proud owner of two homes, 2 kids, 2 dogs, and 2 fish. I threw his clothes out in the front yard and him out to. I packed my stuff and moved on. He saw the kids very little, finally moved in with her and moved out on several occasions.
I have managed to move on with therapy and we have become fairly friendly again. It took a lot for me to suck it up and make things work for our children sake but I did it and I am very proud of who I have become. But now I'm confused he shows up and just out of the blue says he has regrets and wants to try again. I know I can't have that kind of pain again but I do still care for him.
NEED SOME HELP HERE!!!!!please
This is a tough situation. If you have truly moved on, you will stay strong. If not, then you will be playing the "what if?" game. How old are your kids? Is there any reason you should give him another chance? I can think of one or 2 very good ones NOT to give him a 2nd chance...
I guess thats just it, the more I think about it the more I have the "what if"....the kids are 4 and 5...I'm not sure if he is really serious or just suddenly without someone and now thinks he needs to be with someone even if it's me. I don't think it's that but he does seem confused/
It seems obvious that the relationship to his running partner
hasn't worked out and he's trying to get "back home".
If he is really serious about you and coming back then
he should start at the beginning. Let him get his own place and you two start dating again, and after 6 months or
so, if you feel he's changed and you still have feelings
for him, you could consider giving him a second chance.
I would not let him move back into the house without him
living alone for at least 6 months and courting you
appropriately.
Great advice, CJ.
cldr, my first reaction was, how unfair!! If you do still care for him, I guess it has its positives as well as negatives, especially in terms of your kids, but how awful of him to put you in this position.
I really like CJ's advice, it allows for the positives to prove themselves (or not) and keeps the negatives at bay.
I think your right, I really beleive I would like to explore this more but there won't be any moving back in....he's got a long way to go!!
I wonder if there is a way to explore while not involving your kids? At 4 and 5, it would be a major upheaval to think "Dad's back!" and then, if it doesn't work out, having to go through that all over again -- maybe even more traumatic this time around since when it happened they were less aware of this kind of thing. And to the 4 or 5 year old mind, dating means he's back, you're back together -- dating-but-seeing-if-it-works-out is an awfully complicated concept.
Ugh, very annoyed at this guy on your behalf.
Well I can definately tell you it won't be easy, fortunately they go to bed early and we have been able to have a few discussions face to face without them knowing he was at the house. But dateing is another thing...I don't want the kids to get all upset again over us not being together. They both have been so accepting of all this, and at the same time they ask a lot of questions about why we aren't together. I have just been very very honest with them and hoped for the best, but I don't think honesty is the best policy now for them.....
I sympathize, especially since two years is about the time you really are getting over him and moving on. I can see feeling different ways on different days... there is reasonable resentment and hurt that you have worked through up to now.
I guess I would find it hard to go back myself.
For starters, insist that he be tested for HIV and other STD's.
If he doesn't wanna...this says something about his attitude.
If he gets tested it is a sign he's trying to please.
Now, he wants to get back together. Is he thinking about you--or is this still "all about him" and what would be comfortable for him.
this situation is a bit difficult because there was a marriage and kids involved.
and i know what i'm about it say is much easier said than done, but i do hope you take it into consideration.
if you were one of my girlfriends, i'd suggest you only be civil with him for the sake of your children, but not to indulge in a romantic relationship.
he walked out on 18 years of marriage. not one or two. do you think this was easy for him to do, or did he agonize over it? you mentioned that he didn't see the kids much when he was away... how good of a father is he? and lastly, does he regret his decision to leave because he truly sees what a mistake it was that he made, or is it because things with the other woman didn't work out and now he's lonely?
good luck with your decision.
~bridge
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