Wife found out about computer porn use. She's pissed!

Well for one thing, keep kicking that cat.......and also, if you can't get her to participate....dump that bad conscience and use her like an organic blow up doll.....if she doesn't give a damn about your feelings then stop worrying about hers.....

attraction?
I don't understand the attraction of wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

JF: It makes no difference if you're a "good husband" or not. Why hang onto her if she doesn't want anything to do with you? Neither one of you are happy in this marriage. If she wants a divorce, let her go.

Some of my concerns are our kids. I want them to have 2 parents in the house. But what's the point if we're both miserable? The other concern is that I want this to work but is it all worth the agony for years and to end up right where you started? I'm not saying I'm a saint here but I've been a good husband. She's a great Mother but cold and uninterested in any kind of affection.

JF,

I am very sorry to hear about the troubles you are going through.

You have tried the counseling route twice and it hasn't helped in the least it appears. You cannot save your wife from herself if she is not interested in saving herself first....meaning...if two counselors have agreed that she has some issues and she doesn't want to take any initiative to deal with those issues, there is nothing that you can do to change the situation

Misery is no way to live a life and no matter how hard anyone pretends that the kids don't know, they do. And they feel it and they learn it. Just simply having two parents in a house for the kids is not doing the kids any favor when they know how miserable you both are. Kids deserve to be in a loving household. We are so very blessed when that can happen with both parents, but often, more than often that is not the case anymore. Staying together for the sake of the kids can sometimes cause more harm than good. Do you honestly want your kids growing up to believe that their adult relationships should be just like yours and your wife's?

Your wife blowing up now over your looking at porn, when she knows it is something you have done already for a very long time, signals to me that she is just looking for an excuse,, an out or maybe just something else to be angry with you about for whatever her reasons are.

I could suggest that you go and seek some impartial counseling on your own about what to do regarding a divorce. Talk about your concerns over splitting up the family and the effects it would have on your children and given the circumstances, would it be better for them to have two loving parents in two households or two miserable parents in one household.

When my former husband and I finally split up (we stayed together for the sake of the kids too, so we thought for 10 years in misery longer than we should have) both of my kids were actually relieved! They love us both and really wanted to see each of us happy and they knew we weren't. All of our lives got better after the split.

Talk to someone impartial if you can. Weigh the issues of happiness for all concerned and I'm sure you will find some answers along the way.

Hang in there, friend.

JF,

Im in kinda the same situation as you, only Im the wife. I've been married for 10 years to a man that sounds alot like yourself. He is a great man and I love him. In the beginning our love life was great and now it is nonexsistent. I use to initate sex, but after I had childern I became preoccupied with taking care of them. I felt as though I fell into the mothering role and thats all he noticed. He didn't seem sexually attracted to me anymore.

We haven't had sex in 2 years. I'ts not because I don't want to or don't find him attractive anymore, It's because I feel he thinks of me more as a caregiver than a sexual partner. That has away of turning a women off in a big way.

My husband has looked at porn on the internet for a very long time and he doesn't know that I know about it. I haven't said nothing about it because I don't want to make him feel bad about looking at porn. It makes me feel like I have to compete with the girls on those porn sites in order to be attractive. Deep down I feel betrayed and that he is cheating on me. Your wife may feel the same way.

I would give anything to have my husbands full attention back. I'm not sure how to approach him about the situation without starting an argument. Maybe your wife had the same problem as me.

You should try telling your wife that she means more to you than any porn site and explain to her why you look at porn. She may feel like I do, that we dont have what it takes to satisfy our man anymore.

I wish my husband would open up and talk to me about how he feels.

GOOD LUCK

Hi JF,

I think you sound a bit full of yourself, and unable to put yourself in your wife's shoes. You knew when entering the marriage that she was less experienced than yourself in the bedroom, moreover, maybe she believes your late night porn habits would be put to rest upon becoming a husband and father.

For myself, and I believe many women, pornography is threatening and may indeed make us believe that our husbands expect the same from us as what they see performed by some 3rd rate models in a cheap magazine.

While I do sympathize with your position, and in some ways may relate, it seems that you have not tried romancing your wife. Sex isn't just about what happens in the bedroom. It's about treating your wife the same way as you did when you first met her and making her feel as though she's the only woman in the room. It's also about seducing her with conversation, subtle suggestion, and slight teasing. Have you tried any of these things? Women in marriages need to play many roles - mother, friend, protector, and lover. Sometimes, switching modes isn't that easy or fast. You need to coax out the "lover" side of your wife before warming up to her in the bedroom. Up to now, it sounds like you simply dragged her off to a shrink so that may diagnose her as being "the one with the problem" and continue with your late night pleasures - guilt free - because "hell, she's the one with the problem, right?"

I wish you the best of luck and hope you continue to put effort into your marriage.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs, we have 4 boys and let me tell you after working 8 hours a day, coming home to do dinner, homework, baths ect.. I am in bed by 10pm. Sex is the last thing on my mind. Dont get me wrong, we do have sex about once a week which is plenty for me. I can see how your wife does not want to have sex every day. Most men are selfish and do not help with the kids or house which makes the woman tired and not in the mood. I don't blame her.

My husband looks at porn on the internet and I really do not care. I am not competing against any of those women and if he wants something like that then he can go find her. (not that she would take him and put up with him) I do not feel that is is threatning to our marriage at all. women that do must be very insecure. I love my husband more then anything in this world and I know he loves me and would never cheat on me.

My question is why do men think they have to have it every day?

JF--

You wrote:



You have not been sexually satisfied for some time.

Your wife isn't happy either. I think her recent rage over your porn watching was as much an expression of discontent with the marriage as revulsion to the porn.

You write that the two of you have tried counseling, but that your wife has "issues".

What sort of issues? Does she complain of not being 'fulfilled'? Of stagnation? Of not being understood?

These seem to be problems that she well might have whether or not she was married.

Meanwhile, your marriage is out of gas. Do you want to continue pushing the metaphorical car uphill all by yourself?