i miss the look a man gives when he wants you so badly

It hasn't always been this way, has it?

If not, is he under a lot of stress? Was there a life changing event recently? Such as a loss of a job or starting a new job? Death in the family? Lots of stress at work?

All these things can cause loss of sex drive. More info on past might be helpful.

sweetdaisy--

Thanks for putting your problem into paragraphs--paragraphs make things much more lucid.

Kirsty has asked some good questions.

You say you've tried to discuss the problem--and your frustration--with your husband and he doesn't want to talk because he sees nothing to talk about.

Have you suggested marital counselling? If he's against going with you, consider going by yourself.

Do you feel loved in non-physical ways? Does he compliment you? Think of things to please you? Share his joys and frustrations with you?

What would he say if you posted a letter to Santa on the refrigerator asking for a vibrator?

You've defined the problem and this is the first step towards a solution.

Yes It's always been weird. I know I know how did i end up married to him. I just initiated...i noticed but blamed it on stress...he worked 14 hr days.
My red flag was the honeymoon...had all my lingerie ready to go and he didn't make one move. that's when I freaked out and realized this was more of a problem than i had thought.
I mean if everything else is great ...what's sex right?
I have fantasies about other men all the time and am filled with feelings of guilt. I'm so angry at myself for not putting more of an emphasis on the SEX part of our relationship...and now I'm suffering.
We're in counseling...it's slow going. the therapist says that from what she's seen this is some sort of an epedemic of our time ...and if she had a nickel for every similar complaint from women she'd be rich.
I don't hear ANY women talking about this.My girlfriends complain about how much sex their husbands want. I don't have the guts to tell them that my husband doesn't want me and that I'd trade places with them and their sex crazed husbands in a second!!!!!
Men complain about lack of sex...i feel humiliated being a woman and feeling that way...

sorry i'll try to write in paragraph form

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable. The first thing that popped into my head when I read your line above is how men who suffer physical abuse at the hands of their wives tend to clam up about it because of the humiliation. You are at the short end of a social stereotype.

Unfortunately, I don't have any recommendations for you other than to continue what you are already doing. Maybe he'll never come around but through counseling you should at least be able to find out if he will or not and be able to decide what you want to do about it from there for yourself.

Good luck!

If it were me, I'd bank on it never changing and go from there. You have to make a decision whether or not you can live with things remaining exactly the way they are, and take steps accordingly.

Maybe he was abused as a child. People always talk about women not wanting sex after being molested or raped because they have feelings of being dirty. Maybe your husband was abused as a child and can't bring himself to think of sex in a loving way. Is this possible?

Don't feel bad for wanting a natural thing. I want sex a lot. Sometimes I have to go without because my hubby works long hours and doesn't always want to get freaky after work. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex. NOTHING.

I look at squinney like I want her bad as much today as I did 16 years ago and it gets on her nerves...women...there's no pleasing them.......

Kristie is right. There is nothing wrong with being a woman and wanting sex. I suspect your feelings of guilt are more about your fantasies than about your relationship. There is also nothing wrong with fantasies. It could be stress, which manifests itself in a lot of different ways, or it could be something deeper in your hubby's psyche. Therapy is slow gowing, but let it ride for a bit, see where you get. I would trust the professional's opinion over your girlfriends. Also, he may just have a low sex drive. If there is a men's clinic in your area, maybe he might consider an appointment?

Well, Daisy...the problem you are dealing with ain't pretty...and it ain't an easy one to solve.

Professional help, of course, is probably the best avenue.

One thing you mentioned, almost a throw-away line, may just be the light at the end of the tunnel...and it something you should explore with your therapist. You wrote: "...he mastrubates."

Good observation...and worthy of some exploration.

Damn near every male in this country...and probably everywhere else in the world, mastrubates.

The fact that he does...tells us that he is still interested in sexual fulfillment...even though it may seem at first glance to be only with self...rather than in combo with another person.

Maybe you can use this information to (figuratively) sneak up on his sexual side...and capture it (or re-capture it as the case may be) by stealth.

Since you are seeing a therapist (a significant thing) you obviously have discussed the problem...so seeking solutions is not something that should provoke resentment, anger, or fear.

Here's my suggestion in Readers Digest form. Run with it if you see any value...discard it if you think it valueless.

Video Viagra!

Talk him into buying some porn tapes or CD's...and suggest watching them together.

Get him to massage you to climax...and do the same for him.

Variations on this theme.

Ask him for suggestions on how the porn can be used as a way for you both to get off.

The other stuff will come if this works.

He'll look longingly if the intensity of the orgasms he gets with you involved exceed the intensity when you are absent.

Think about it.

Infidelity is shameful.

Fantasies are not infidelity.

Since your husband regards your sexual needs as your problem, you are entitled to some erotic thinking. Working with your therapist you can explore long term illusions.

Meanwhile, enjoy your healthy mind and healthy needs.

I once knew a four-hundred pound woman with a turtle-shaped body, a sparsity of hair on her head, and an excess of it on the rest of her body. Look on the bright side. At least you aren't her.

you are a wicked, wicked man

and he means in the biblical sense....more's the pity....