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Fri 12 Nov, 2004 12:41 am
Ok, I normally wouldn't do this but I'm really stuck here. I'm 22 and for the past few months I've been seeing this girl. We met through mutual friends and it was her idea to start spending time together one on one. We've pretty much been spending everyday together since then. We talk everyday and I feel extremely comfortable around her for the most part and she has said the same about me. The problem is, I've developed feelings for her and I still have no idea how she feels about me. She's very hard to read and I don't want to ask her outright because I don't want to sour the friendship if it's not going anywhere past that. The reason I didn't ask her out to begin with was because she had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was very wary of guys. I have a lot more experience than her with relationships (13 to 3) and I really liked her so I didn't push anything. She's also 4 years younger than me.
So, here's the deal, Every day we talk and usually go out for coffee or see a movie, sometimes with other friends sometimes just the two of us. We have a lot in common and always have good conversations. I've taken her out to dinner a few times(I payed oc) and when it doesn't interfere with my work schedual I pick her up drive her to college in the morning. I've tried to drop some hints that I wanted to start dating(buying her flowers, etc) but I haven't made any moves to start anything physical because I'm nervous about disrupting our friendship. One of our mutual friends is going to talk to her and see if she can figure out how she feels about me without pushing anything.
I need some idea of what to do here. A few friends have brought up the idea that she might just be using me but I've been there before and I don't think that's the case here. I just don't know what direction to take. Should I ask her straight out? Should I just try to kiss her when I feel like there's a moment(that I've learned can be disasterous from past experiences)? I don't want to push her away by trying to bring her closer. Any help here would be greatly appreciated. This is on my mind almost constantly and it's starting to drive me a little nuts.
Thanks.
Just tell her how you feel. You're torturing yourself for no reason.
If your friendship is strong enough, it'll withstand any 'bumps in the road'.
You'll always regret it if you don't ask..... :wink:
I agree with Rae. And by the way - I don't think the girl is driving you insane. You're doing that yourself. Don't drop hints - speak! I learned that during my various relationships - took me a while, though, I admit it!
Nitro
Your situation sounds familiar to me (if a bit more extreme!).
I've kicked myself many times for missing opportunities and it's much better to establish where you stand. In fact, your relationship with her sounds very healthy on many levels - you should be able to communicate your feelings.
Even if she's not interested in the physical, she'll be flattered.
The only question you should ask yourself is whether there is really a physical attraction on your part which you've just been shy to express or is it really just a friendship which your own emotions have stopped at that level for their own good reasons. Only you can answer that.
Remember "Faint heart - ne'er one fair lady"!
Good luck
KP
How long has this been going on?
For one, you've made some mistakes. Buying her flowers was a big no-no. You're that guy, buying her gifts, taking her out to dinner, ect, but you never established that you're physically attracted to her. So now you're probably in the dreaded "friend zone," and she may never look at you as boyfriend material. But who knows...
You should have, off the bat, acted flirty with her and pushed her limits to see how far you could get, obviously without being overbearing and pushy. If you're just the shoulder to lean on, then she's already viewed you as non-boyfriend material. Why is a girl going to fret over a guy that shows no interest in her?
This used to happen to me constantly. I was afraid of rejection, and ruining the friendship. The key is to come across as flirty, carefree and confident off the bat, without being smothering and overbearing. You learn to push the flirting boundaries with girls to see how they respond to certain things. Maybe a slightly sexual joke(involving the two of you), comment, physical contact(touch her arm, put her arm around her, ect). You should be able to tell pretty quickly if a girl has any interest in you. Of course you want to do these things without making her vomit on herself if she's not interested. Don't be sleazy and annoying.
You say you don't want to ruin the friendship...but would you rather remain friends with this girl, or take it to the next step? Because no matter what, if you two got together, unless you marry her the "friendship" will be ruined eventually.
Sounds to me like you may have ruined any physical chances, but you may as well just try and hit on her. If she says no, she says no, and you can go back to being "friends."
She's only 18 and you're 22...she can't even come out to the bar with you. I don't know about this.
And of course that would be the reason to not pursue this relationship. Because you can't take her to a bar and order her a drink.
Puhlease.
Speak your mind, man!
(Hi Urs!)
Ok, I seem to be getting a few mixed opinions here.
First of all I need to make clear that it is NOT necessary to go to a bar to have fun. I personally don't like bars, I spend more time drinking coffee than alcohol. So that is in no way a factor. And she doesn't drink at all anyways.
As far as doing a lot of flirting, that's just not the kind of person I am. I would much rather have a relationship based on a friendship(ones that have been most successful for me in the past) than something based on sexual relations.
I've thought about where I want to go with this, and frankly I definately am sure I want this to be more than friends. The issue is whether or not our interaction has bypassed the point of that possibility.
I suppose what I've come to is that I just have to bite the bullet and tell her how I feel and see what happens. I suppose if she feels we can't continue a friendship after that then she's not really that good of a friend anyways, as much as I hate to say it.
We'll see what happens, I'll be taking her to dinner 2m night and if things feel right I'll do what I need to do. Wish me luck.
-Nitro
Fingers and toes crossed for you, Nitro22. Please let us know what happens!
Nitro22 wrote:
As far as doing a lot of flirting, that's just not the kind of person I am. I would much rather have a relationship based on a friendship(ones that have been most successful for me in the past) than something based on sexual relations.
-Nitro
Flirting doesn't have to equal "having a relationship based on sexual relations." It shows that you are actually physically interested in her. If you played your cards right, you wouldn't have tortured yourself with all the other drama with this girl. You would have found out beforehand what was up, and your chances were most likely greater then, compared to now.
Let us know what happens.
Okay so this is just my opinion, but as a girl, we like guys to make the move, I have had a lot of guy friends who end up getting mad at me when I start dating a new guy after I have broken up w/ the last boyfriend because they thought they were next in line, in most cases had they made a move they probably would have been. So don't just sit around not doing nothing you have to make a move before some other guy does. So go for it.
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