Reassure me.... a new mom.. that Im doing ok.

"My seven-month-old is glued to me. She refuses to go to anyone else, not even my husband. I can't even leave the room without her screaming. I need a break. Help!" This is something that many families face. Even the most involved dad can experience this rejection. It is nothing that dad did or did not do.

The first thing to understand is that THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL. It is called stranger anxiety and separation anxiety, and is developmentally appropriate for infants during the second half of their first year. Many babies simply become "glued to mom" for a few months. It will pass with time.

Now that you know this, what can you do to shorten this phase and get baby to be more comfortable with dad too?


Spend more intimate family time together - let your baby see dad and mom being close and affectionate. Moms, give your babies that message that "I love this man, he is safe and fun!"


Let baby hear your voice - moms, as you step out of the room for a minute, talk to your baby in a reassuring voice until you come back. Baby will learn that you are still near, and baby is safe, while you are in the next room.


Family walks - go for frequent family outings. Have dad carry baby around most of the time. Baby may be too distracted by the surroundings to realize he is in the "wrong" parents arms.


Above all, realize that this phase will pass. This is NOT rejection. It is development.

Dr. Bob

. AP promotes independence. Attachment and independence can be illustrated by what we call the deep groove theory . Think of your infant's mind as a record into which life's experiences and relationships cut deep grooves. Suppose the strength of parent-infant attachment is represented by the depth of the grooves in the baby's mental record. Between twelve and eighteen months, a baby can recall a mental image of the most familiar caregivers. We call this person permanence . This image helps to provide a secure base so the infant can begin to move more easily from the familiar to the unfamiliar. The mental presence of the mother allows the infant to, in effect, take mother with her as she moves further away from the mother to explore and learn about her environment. The most securely attached infants, the ones with the deepest grooves, show less anxiety when moving away from their mothers to explore toys. Periodically, these babies mentally and physically check in with mother for reassurance and a familiar "it's okay" to explore. The mother seems to add energy to the infant's explorations, since the infant does not need to waste energy worry whether she is there.

When going from oneness to separateness (a process called "individuation") , the securely attached toddler establishes a balance between his desire to explore and encounter new situations and his continued need for the safety and contentment provided by mother. During an unfamiliar play situation, the mother gives a sort of "go ahead" message, providing the toddler with confidence to explore and handle the strange situation. The next time the toddler encounters a similar situation, he has confidence to handle it by himself without enlisting his mother. The consistent emotional availability of the mother provides trust, culminating in the child's developing a very important quality of independence: the capacity to be alone.

A toddler with shallower attachment grooves lacks confidence that his attachment figures will be accessible to him when he needs them. He may adopt a clinging strategy to ensure that they will be available. Because he is always preoccupied with it or else spends tremendous energy "managing" without it. This preoccupation hinders individuation, exploration, and possibly learning. In essence, the attachment-parented baby learns to trust and develop a sense of self. These qualities foster appropriate independence. Studies have shown that infants who develop a secure attachment to their mothers are better able to tolerate separation from them when they are older.

separation anxiety for sure....you will not be doing the child any favors if you hold her constantly...I'm no saying ignore the child.....but strike a balance....

Yep, very good point about how developmentally, babies think out of sight means GONE. (Lack of object permanence.)

shewolfnm, I really recommend that you get some sort of baby care book -- the one we turned to again and again was "The Baby Book" by William and Martha Sears (who I keep quoting from their website -- askdrsears.com -- when you have these questions.)

You seem to really crave information, and there are a lot of books that cover these things. The Baby Book was our favorite, but there are a ton of them.