WELCOME TO NORTHERN ONTARIO

WELCOME TO NORTHERN ONTARIO,
a few tips for anyone moving to this great place...
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First, the West Nile fever season here is really short. Ditto,
malaria and any other disease carried by mosquitoes.

At first, you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty!
By December you will feel as if you are living in a black-and-white
movie. And there is a lot of snow! Deep snow! Deep snow that doesn't
go away. The reason Northwest Airlines paints its tails
red is so they can find the damned things.

You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear
that goes all the way down to your ankles. Any underwear
above the ankle is considered lingerie.

When you pack to come to Northern Ontario, you need only
to bring one short-sleeved shirt (and that's only in case you
want to fly back home for vacation). Short-sleeved shirts are
handed down here from generation. The short-sleeved shirt
season here begins July 26 and is pretty much wrapped up
by 3:30 on the 28th.

We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches
will kidnap your children before they even start school, so
beware. They'll return them in April. As for baseball we never
know if we have a team or not.

Northern Ontario has more than 10,000 lakes, hundreds
of thousands of miles of rivers and streams, millions of acres
of forest, and one Tim Horton's. Guess where everybody
wants to go?

And do not call the homicide division to a beer joint because
of what you see behind the bar. That's only a jar of pickled
pig's feet.




Welcome to Northern Ontario!
You know you're from Ontario when.....

"Vacation" means going to Barrie for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You use a down comforter in the summer.

Your grandparents drive at 100 km/h through four meters
of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend
knows how to use them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled.

You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
and construction.

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all
your friends from Ontario.