Is this abuse and what should I do?

My suggestion is to get away, as fast as you can.

Do you realize you just said he only says he will kill you family when he's angry?

You know he's abusing you, don't wait for confirmation here. Take control and get away from this guy. You've gotten so used to the abuse that you are now defending it (you love him more than anything and this guy threatens violence towards you and your family??? Really??) This guy doesn't love you, he has absolute power over you It's a power trip. He's nothing more than a bully using violence to control you.

Speak privately with friends or family and establish an escape plan so you have a safe place to stay. Be prepared to involve the police if necessary. Get out, get counseling, and don't go back. Don't be a statistic.

Then why do you even need to ask for advice?

Seems he has anger issues. Probably could use some help in learning how to control his anger and not say nasty things to you (or anyone else) when he gets angry.

Depends. You need to insist he seek help for why he feels he needs to say such things when he is angry. Stay away from him until he does. And I don't mean just until he has one visit with a counselor, but until he is at least a few months into it. Then maybe slowly and cautiously start seeing him again. But make it plain that you will not tolerate another blowup.

All I've written above are my thoughts based on the idea that you seem to be searching for a reason to stay with him. Personally I think you would be better off ending things altogether. There are actually some great guys out there who would never say the things he said to someone they love. What happens when yelling and threatening you isn't enough for him? I'll tell you. He will resort to striking you. Is that acceptable? (Hint: the answer to that is NO)

By the way, out of curiosity, what does your family say about his behavior? Has he exhibited it in front of them? Have you told them about his threats to harm them? Don't you think they should be aware of this behavior?

Abusers often have a kind of 'inside voice' or acceptable behavior that they put on for anyone but the person they are abusing.

Anger isn't an excuse for his behavior. Drug abuse and drinking aren't, either. Him not doing it 24/7 isn't an excuse, either.

You have no real ties to him. You have no kids and no marriage. You don't have to stay and take this crap.

You BOTH were arguing.

BOTH of you probably said awful things.

Unless he just walked up and announced he was going to kill your family members, then consider that you BOTH took part in this mutual verbal abuse and he could probably quote something awful you said.

Work on not arguing or learning to disagree more sanely.

PS Was alcohol or other drugs involved?
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be away from him

RUN! Do what my friend didn't do....RUN RUN RUN Because she didn't, she is now dead.

Leave him, if he said such words, he could do that