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Tue 9 May, 2017 04:24 pm
Context: Hey, I'm a male student who feels attracted to this girl. She's not very popular and she's in most of my classes. During our lunch break, she had a falling out with her friend and was sorta sad. In the period/lesson immediately after our lunch break she still felt a bit sad so I tried to cheer her up. We started passing notes regarding how she was feeling. Then, she started opening up to me and told me everything about her home life and her family. Prior to this conversation, we had very limited contacted outside of lesson and did not know each other well. Nor, did I feel any attraction prior either. She told me how her father had died and her mother has depression and drinks because of it. She hates having to go home to see her own family as her mother is bipolar and struggles to raise her kids. I also was depressed, so I could relate to her and tell her about my problems. She told me that I was the only person she has ever told this, which made me worry about her wellbeing, considering we only just started talking really. Then I tried to make her feel better about herself by telling her what was going well in her life. I said that she should be happy she is in the top classes, smart, funny and pretty. Then she laughed and started to feel better. At that point, I think I felt some sort of attraction. I think it was because we could open up so easily to each other, or if it was because I felt like in a weird desire to protect/help her. I genuinely want the best for her, yet I don't know whether I should continue complementing her and being her friend, someone she can talk to or if I should do something else entirely, due to her vulnerability right now. Also, after we had this conversation, she frequently kept looking glancing at me and blushing whenever I looked back at her. I thought perhaps that it could've just been me interpreting things in a weird way, however, my friend even noticed that she was showing affectionate glances toward me. I just don't know what to do know. It is worth noting that her circle of friends at school is limited and she is forced to hang around a person who is mean to her, although I'm trying to help her isolate herself from this person; Frankly, although this may sound mean, people tend to think less of her due to her below-average looks and so she doesn't think very highly of herself. Her mother is getting help regarding her mental health from health care services already.
Question: What do I do now?
Note: sorry for so much text. I'm just really worried.
@Student003,
You need to sort out your end game and then be honest with yourself and her about it. If you want to be her friend, just be her friend. If you want to have some sort of relationship, good luck, she sounds like a bit of a mess at the moment.
Are you attracted to her because she is attractive (physically, mentally, whatever) or are you attracted to her because she is...and this sounds pretty mean, but just trying to get you to be honest with yourself​...low hanging fruit.
Whatever you sort out, I would strongly caution against a relationship started under the guise of helping her or protecting her or whatever the case may be. Eventually you will tire of trying to fix her situation OR she will get better, the distraction of something to fix won't be there, and then you'll have to figure out an actual relationship with a lot of history that she will probably want to forget.
My advice is be the girls friend​ and absolutely nothing more. Don't even be flirty with her. In fact, find a girlfriend so you can be her friend with no pressure to advance the friendship.
@tibbleinparadise,
Thanks for being so frank with me. I think I only flirted with her to make her feel better about herself. I'm not sure why myself that I felt some sort of attraction. The thing is, she just texted me saying that she likes me. I don't know what to do now.
@Student003,
Be honest with her. You would love to be friends, you think she seems nice, you have some things in common, but you aren't sure about a relationship right now. Then be good to your word. Be her friend, listen, offer advice, but do it with boundaries. There is a good chance that, given your initial post, she will want to attach herself to you. She's having a bad time, life sucks, and a boy has paid attention to her. Proceed with care and caution.
Or
Let her down easy and move on.
You said at least twice in your initial post you were attracted to her.
So, you are attracted to her. Don't look for the other shoe to drop.
Word of advice, don't tell people how they "should" feel. You can be there for encouragement, but she gets to decide how she's going to feel. In fact, drop the word "should" entirely.
The comment made by another poster about her being "low hanging fruit" is very insulting, and tells quite a bit about that persons attitudes.
Re this girl, not everyone wants to have a lot of friends. She did find in you someone to confide in, and you appeared to enjoy listening and advising her. So what's the problem. Take her out on a date, see how it goes. One date does not a relationship make. Be aware she may go out with you and decide she doesn't care for you all that much. It's not a one way street.
What have you got to lose? Ask her for a date, and go from there.
Don't get into the role of a therapist with her. Or think it' your job to make her happy or to guide her actions to a better life.
If you want to move this relationship forward, then do it because you want to be with her and know her more.
But she is not a sick puppy that you should feel you need to nurse back to health.That would take too much energy and time and gets boring after a while.
If she's not healthy enough - socially and emotionally - to have a relationship, then step back.
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