Why isn't my fiance emotionally supportive?

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I would like some outside advice: I have been with my fiance for 4 1/2 years and overall we have a good relationship. We see each other a lot but do not live together. He is a great man overall- he always offers to help me out, is complimentary, etc. but when something major happens to me, he tends to blow it off. He claims it is because he wants to "fix" things (most men do) and when he can't, he doesn't handle it well. For example, almost 4 years ago I had to have a hysterectomy because I had stage 1 cancer. The hysterectomy was fine (we both have kids and neither want more) but I was scared about the cancer because I have had so many family members die of it. He seemed to just blow me off like it was no big deal and he wasn't worried, which really hurt my feelings. When I told him about this later, he claimed he had been very worried, but didn't want to upset me more by showing it so he tried to keep my mind off of it and discuss other things or suggest doing things. Since we had only been dating 10-11 months I let it go but told him that wasn't what I needed and I needed him to be there for me emotionally. That I knew he couldn't "fix" the situation, but that he could help me by showing he cared and it mattered to him.
In the mean time, ANY time something happens to him it is a huge deal. He will take something small and start worrying it will be something major and potentially life threatening. I know some people aren't good "sick" people and he isn't (he likes to be babied and taken care of. Any little thing pain is "horrible pain" and he is just a baby overall when sick. I don't SAY that to him- I take care of him but I know it's true. I try not to complain much and if I am truly sick I just tend to hole up and want to be alone until I am better. I just try to accept we are two different people who handle things differently). I went to a specialist 3 weeks ago thinking I had a thyroid problem only to find out I have Type 1 Diabetes yesterday. I know this isn't necessarily "life threatening" but it is "life changing" for me. 1. I am from the south (everything is in a roux and we eat it over rice! lol) so food in general is going to be a HUGE change. 2. My fiance and I like to use the margarita machine and have 2-4 drinks every week-end (not every night but we usually make a batch or 2 on the week-ends) and that will end. Overall I was just upset because I went in thinking I could take a pill to regulate my thyroid only to find out I had to make major life changes. When we were told no more drinking, he just kind of looked at me and smiled. When we left the office, I was very upset and he just started talking about other things. When we got back to his house (I had planned to eat there), he kept doing the same thing. He finally said something like "it's going to be fine. Don't worry until you talk to the other doctor" (I am being sent to one who specializes in this). And I said "Do you realize this changes EVERYTHING I eat? No cokes, fruit juice, rice and gravy, biscuits, etc. Nothing that we normally eat?" He just kind of smiled, hugged me, and then turned on the TV and started talking about some movie that was on.
I sat there for a few minutes very hurt and then he asked me if I wanted to eat (rice and gravy on the stove btw) and I said no, I wasn't hungry and wanted to leave. He acted like he was mad that I was leaving (like I was being ridiculous to be upset) but I was upset that he was blowing me off (changing the subject, turning on the TV, etc) instead of talking to me or at least listening to me while I was upset.
I left and haven't talked to him since. He has tried calling a couple times but I just text and told him I had a headache and wanted to rest because I know he will just act like nothing is wrong and avoid the entire subject.

I am now having so many doubts about him. Anytime he is sick, I stop what I am doing to help him (yes, I am a nurturer) and although I don't expect to be babied and taken care of, I do expect my partner to be sympathetic and act like he cares instead of acting like if it's me, that it's no big deal. I am worried that if I do marry him and I do have some major illness, I will have no emotional support and will end up resenting him. I love him but I am very disappointed he isn't there for me emotionally when I really need him. Am I overreacting? Is this normal behavior for men?

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@Lizbeth02,

It sounds like he doesn't handle things well emotionally. That isn't an excuse for not being supportive, it's just a fact. And the fact that he doesn't "ignore it" or blow it off when there is something potentially wrong with him makes it much more hurtful for you.
I would hate to see you break things off with him if he is a great man overall (those are sometimes very hard to find), I agree that it is something that needs to be addressed before you marry him because you are right- what if you end up with some other form of cancer or something and you need him to support your during that? Like you said, most men are typically "fixers" and many men even tend to "fix" things (by giving us unwanted advice when all we want them to do is listen); however, it seems like he isn't even doing that. He freezes up and does everything to avoid the problem because he doesn't know how to handle it. Since you have already talked to him about it before and it happened again, I would suggest counseling before getting married. Good luck!

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@WineNot,

Thanks. I may suggest that. The crazy thing is if I have a headache or cold or something he's there for me (more so than I need since I don't expect to be babied) and I always tell him how much I appreciate it, but anytime it's something "big"- he does whatever he can to avoid it. I just don't get why he acts like it's not a big deal and blows me off when it's a lot more important and it's obvious I'm upset. Maybe counseling would help...

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@Lizbeth02,

In that case, maybe he just doesn't know what to do, or how to react. Just guessing, you know.

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@Lizbeth02,

Please clarify. Is he willing to go out of his way for you when there is something specific that he can do? Does he drive you to appointments, or help you with shopping or offer to cook for you when you are sick or feeling overwhelmed?

Some people show their caring by the things they do, rather than the things that they say. If he is doing these things, but not saying the right things... it might just be who he is. And you have to accept your partner for who he is.

I can't answer for all men (after all we are all different)... but I have trouble reacting emotionally to difficult news. I might react like your boyfriend does. If there is something that I can do to help, I would bend over backwards to do it. But emotional reactions feel awkward and artificial, I don't do them well. The plus side is if there is a crisis, I am the guy who can put emotions on hold and figure out what needs to be done. Different people have different strengths.

If he shows caring in other ways... could this be enough for you?

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

I can't answer for all men (after all we are all different)... but I have trouble reacting emotionally to difficult news. I might react like your boyfriend does. If there is something that I can do to help, I would bend over backwards to do it. But emotional reactions feel awkward and artificial, I don't do them well.

Me too.

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@maxdancona,

Yes, he's there to help me in a lot of other ways and he's even quick to try to help if I have some minor illness (cold, bad headache), he just totally pulls back when it's something serious with me. He just acts like he doesn't care and doesn't think it's important. Maybe you're right and he just can't handle it; it's just very hurtful. Thank you for your input and perspective

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@Lizbeth02,

It would be quite upsetting not getting the support you need. When you experience life changing events, you want to talk about it, and for your partner to understand how upset / worried / nervous (etc) you are.

Your partner acts like nothings happening, and changes the subject. And this makes you feel like he doesn't care.

To make it worse, when he's sick, he wants to be babied (actually read 'mothered') and be the centre of attention.

He does in fact, like being fussed over and mothered when he is sick. However, for more important things (life changing events that he doesn't want), He may well prefer not thinking about such things until he has to....he probably prefers being distracted by his friends...and so when you face such events, this is what he does for you.

Another possibility is that he may have bad experiences with sympathising with people in such circumstances. What if his mother used to get more worked up, the more someone talked with her about such an event? What if what worked for her, was distracting her, so that she didn't have to focus on it?

Some people, when they focus on a problem, become more and more worked up, or perhaps, overly emotional about it (you see this somewhat in him, so it may run in his family).

These are of course, just suppositions. The only way to find out for sure is to have a open, honest talk with him.

Hope it helps some.

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Yours is a common complaint: men are not nurturers and dont "support" women at their time of most need.

Look, this guy is doing pretty well. I think. He IS doing things, hes just not there emotionally for you. Dont get mad. He just doesnt know WHAT to do without being told. And even then, he doesnt get it or screws it up. He acts indifferent when in reality hes lost.

You are going to have to find a female friend or relative to fill your need at this particular time. Is there a sister, grandma, friend or mother around to hold your hand at this time?

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Why isn't my fiance emotionally supportive?

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