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Sun 23 Apr, 2017 05:19 am
Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and I have never been happier, but one thing is bothering me and I can't move past it.
He has been divorced for 16 years now, after being together/married for 10 years. He was devostated when she cheated on him and he never really dated till I came along 11 years later. He took it really bad and everyone said he'll never get over her. She is happily married with another child now and hasn't looked back after she divorced him.
When we got together, he still had photos up around the house and everything was left exactly the same as when she lived there. After a few years, I made a comment that it upsets me to see the photos up and his comment was that he forgot they were even up there and he took them down. We were not living together at the time, I had my place and he had his. We have spoken at lengths about his marriage and I know it hurt him tremendously. At the beginning of our relationship, he said he'll never move it with me or marry me and that suited me fine as I had just came out of a relationship too.
Fast forward 5 years and he has moved in with me and we are building a house together and he says he loves me and we have made lots of plans for the future.
He still won't marry me, he says he doesn't want to ruin what we have and his commitment to me is building our dream home together.
It's not enough for me tho.
Last weekend we were at a wedding and someone mentioned his ex wife and he got all emotional and teary. What the hell?? 16 years they have been divorced for. It was like a slap in the face for me. Does he still have feelings for her?? Am I wasting my time with him? I spoke to him about it and he said I should of supported him and gave him a cuddle cause he was upset. Like hell. I walked away as soon as he got emotional. Why should I cuddle him when he obviously was upset over his ex. 16 years I thought the pain would/should be gone. Am I over reacting like he says?? Am I being paranoid?
I'm feeling second best at the moment.
Any suggestions??
@Anonymous68,
Weddings are emotional situations.
There's always good old therapy.
It isn't about HER, it's about the feelings he had/has about everything. The betrayal, the hurt, the anger, the grief, the sadness, the loss, the regret, the denial about the reality of the situation, the loneliness, the financial loss, loss of friends, etc. etc.
Counseling is in order for him, ASAP. Insist on this. He is "stuck" emotionally, and will not be able to pay attention to you until it's dealt with.
@PUNKEY,
Quote:It isn't about HER, it's about the feelings he had/has about everything. The betrayal, the hurt, the anger, the grief, the sadness, the loss, the regret,
Agree
Quote:the denial about the reality of the situation
Agree several years back...may or may not apply now
Quote:, the loneliness, the financial loss, loss of friends, etc. etc.
We don't have the information to say this
Quote:He is "stuck" emotionally, and will not be able to pay attention to you until it's dealt with.
This is too black and white a statement. He obviously pays attention to her, or she would not have fallen in love with him.
I agree with the general gist of your post. As was pointed out earlier - it was a wedding, and may simply have been recall of old grief. Counselling may be needed, or not. Certainly an open talk with him is in order.
@Anonymous68,
Your guy needs some professional help.
That being said...I don't think it's your place to beat him up over his feelings. And trying to push him to get what you want (married) will not have a desirable outcome. Yeah, you may eventually bully him into marrying you, but his memory of the event will not be a positive one (I know this first hand). You need to really encourage him to get some professional help in dealing with his previous marriage. So long as he is working towards resolving his issues your best bet is to be his support system and, yes, give him a cuddle when he's upset. You need to be direct with him though on your expectations: he's going to get professional help. Some guys are emotional. Some guys cry. We aren't all rock solid emotionless creatures. We all deal with things differently and you guy just hasn't dealt with the pain and loss, but he needs to, and he needs your help to get him there.
Your other option is to close up shop and move on. If you choose to do nothing, nothing will change.
@Anonymous68,
Anonymous68 wrote:
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and I have never been happier
Well, you could go back to the first thing you said here, and stop trying to look for problems.
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