CHILDREN OF THE EIGHTIES UNITE!

Children of the Eighties Unite
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When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things
were when they were growing up-what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning, uphill both
ways, through year 'round blizzards carrying their
younger siblings on their backs to their one-room
schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average
despite their full-time after-school job at the local
textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour
just to help keep their family from starving to death!


And I remember promising myself that when I grew up
there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap
like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!

But...... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of
twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice
the youth of today. You've got it so damned easy!

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a
freakin' Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids
today... you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.
We wanted to know something, we had to go to the
LIBRARY and look it up ourselves!

And there was no e-mail! We had to actually write
somebody a letter-with a pen! And then you had to
walk all the way across the street and put it in the
frickin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get
there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! We wanted to
steal music, we had to go to the record store and
shoplift it ourselves! Or we had to wait around all
day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually
talk over the beginning or end and f*** it all up!

We didn't have fancy sh** like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a
busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes
either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it
was -- it could be your boss, your mom, a
collections agent, your drug dealer -- you didn't
know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation or
"X-Box" videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space
Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked
butt! Your guy was a little square! You had to use
your imagination! And there were no multiple levels
or screens-it was just one screen...forever! And you
could never win! The game just kept getting harder and
faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there was no such
thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same
height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were
screwed!

And sure, 2% of us had cable television, but back
then that was only like 20 channels and there was no
onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a
TV Guide to find out what was on! And 98% of us
still had to use one of those God-awful, frustrating
antennas that you would bend and twist into every
conceivable configuration AND wrap the ends with
aluminum foil and still not get a clear picture! And
UHF!!! Need I say more?!?!?!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get
cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm
saying?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little
brats!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear
to God!

You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!!!!!