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Sun 26 Mar, 2017 03:27 pm
Hey,
My situation is the following.
This guy I got to know bit more than 3 years ago.
We are around 30, he is somewhat younger than me.
After few meetings among friends- he invited me to a dinner. Date: early 2014 I was happy as I liked him already, found him interesting from the start, but didn't think of him as a romantic partner until this asking out.
We had the dinner, was really going well, perfect date, so after having so many uninteresting and lame dates I didn't say no to him when he invited me up his place.
He was a bit shy but all in all we ended up kissing, and touching and almost sex..
We had another occasion a week later, my birthday, where we at the end again ended up together, now really having sex.
All good, but then he got dissappeared...
So after 1 week or so I concluded he was not into a relationship.
Since we had common friends/colleague friends we met 1-2 times in the following months, but just rarely, and it didn't seemed to have any continuation.
I was a bit sad, as I enjoyed his company but I didn't think of him very seriously at that time, so I accpeted the situation.
Than a little time while, we happened to be going to the same summer event together, where he invited to join his friends I haven't yet met, but seen and found nice.
On this event he suddenly was hitting on me again- which I liked but of course found it strange- so I asked him, what the hell is going on: why he comes back again after a half year. He told me he is not ready yet for a relationship, but he likes me.
We tried to figure out what can we do with each other: I told him I am looking for a relationship, but in the meantime I might be open for fun...
This time I didn't give in for him completelly, but that summer/early autumn, at the end we ended up hooking up with each other like 4-5 times.
In the meantime I became friends with his friends we met at this event. (With some of them I am realyl close until now.) And we exclusively met only in this circle so never alone, but sometimes we escaped from the others. So our friends had some clue what is going on, but we kept this private as much as we could.
Then came a longer time when we never did anything to each other, but met occasionally 2-3 weeks time, sometimes, 1-2 months among our friends.
We got to know each other better, and started to see interetsing things in each others personality, having longer deeper conversations.
The missing sex part was bugging me, I was missing it.
Just as I was accepting the situation, we are at now late spring 2015, when suddenly at one party with friends we were dancing and kissing again.
I was where much suprised, but it was a good feeling to hold him again, so we ended up having sex again. This time everything was a way different, not just about being horny, but like real, two people being together who know and like each other...
I didn't pressure anything after that, and was not expecting anything either.
Things didn't change gradually, but our bond became stronger, and for a few months I had an awkward feeling about him, as he might start to think of me in a different way, like he didn't before, with great kindness, and respect and affection.
We still just met among friends, and have these occasional nice long talks, where his manners and the way he talked witme showed he really really much likes me as a person. Not doing anything more I came to the conclusion that despite all this he still can't be in a relationship- not just with me but with anybody else either.
BTW he was every now and than having occasional hookups with random girls, and as much we friends knew, he always pushed these girls away. However he had/has many friends, girls also whom he holds close and dear.
We are now end of 2015.
In the last year, things didn't really change, we never hookep up again anymore, but time to time I had these signs of great affection for me- sometimes, nothing.
No girlfriend for him. And I hold him a dear close person now, as I really appreciate his views on things, and advices when we have those great conversations. And the fun we have, and that things are easy with him.
I am not one of his closest friends, and he never treats me as a "buddy", you know, he is sometimes a bit ignorant that hurts me, but nothing more.
I came to the conclusion that he really likes me, but somehow he is not ready for the realtionship, maybe especially becase, stakes are high with me...
I still like to have him around, as he is making me happy- even though I keep my eyes open for other guys.
I dated a few during these times, last summer I even had a shorter kind of dating relationship, but I ended it, as there was really not a bond, neither too much attraction from my side to this guy, after giving him enough chance to show himself, he just wanted sex.
I simply can not be with guys who we don't 'click'= they get me and I get them.
With my complicated guy- I am writing about, we have that click.
Recently got the News he is having a kind of a girlfriend, he met 2-3 months ago- actually a drunken party hookup- but seems somehow he wants to try making a relationship. He is quite reserved about this girl yet, so I don't know too many details, but bugs me enough what happened, and is there any special about this girl?
Or he just came to the phase he wants to try out relationships.
During these 2-3 months, before I got to know about the girl, he was quite nice, maybe nicer than average with me, and affectionate, so I was happy.
Now I am a bit sad, I feel somewhat betrayed.
But the good thing is that it seems he came to a change, and matured.
Is there any chance guys, he might still end up with me?? And did he just friendzone me over the years, no matter how hot and cute he finds me?
Thanks for reading through, and the advise!! ;-) ;-)
@mikahaka,
There is no reason whatsoever that you could not have initiated a relationship with him. You waited years for him to make a move. Perhaps he was waiting for you to do the same. Or maybe you were just fun to have around and willing to put up with his crap.
And I say crap, because you frittered away years on this nonsense.
You want to be in a relationship? Then make your intentions clear with someone. "
Dave (or whatever his name really is),
we have known each other for years and it's been on-again and off-again. I am telling you right now that I want it on-again. But not a hookup every few months. I mean dating, as in going to the movies and having dinner together and exchanging gifts at the holidays and all of that. If you're ready for that, then great. If you aren't, then recognize that I won't be around forever."
And see what happens. And keep a deadline in mind. I would say no more than six months, and probably no more than three. He's had ample chances to figure things out. If he wants to be with you, then he'll find a way to do that. If not, then it's been nice.
And if you feel this is an ultimatum, well, it's really not. It's a statement of fact. You would like a relationship but you're done with this years bullshit.
@jespah,
jespah wrote:And I say crap, because you frittered away years on this nonsense.
Absolutely. When I saw "early 2014" I thought this.
@jespah,
Hey,
Thanks. So you think it is better to get it cleared?
You say it, because there is a little chance based on his acting he is/was might considering the relationship just he "had his crap"?
So won't I be making myself ridiculous asking something that might me obvious?
For me it is not, but that is why asking outsiders, who see objective
I mean shouldn't he just have made a move himself through the time given? Or I miht have given him sometime mixed signals? (A few times it could have been: I left early, or leaving him "behind" at parties, but than again isn't it him to pursue me? Or shall he be insecure somewhat because it is hard to deal with a friend this love issues?)
Otherwise now he is having this kind of a girlfriend- like for 2 months- not sure if it is any serious- it is a bit more delicate.
But I could go like asking why he acts the way he does with me- when he does that again, and make me feel wonder why is he being super nice with me...!
In fact clearing always helps- 1 month ago- at one party he was somewhat ignorant to me, and it bugged me- at the end I called him aside and asked him if he considers me a friend? He sad quite suprised that, Sure! I just mentioned what was bothering me without being accusative. I felt he got it- and felt he cares about that more afterwards.
I know it is a crap too....and lond story, but it still bothers me occasionally! :-)
From how you describe him, he is very passive about relationships. (Even this new one seems very non-participatory on his part.)
You expected him to take the lead and he didn't. He was perfectly satisfied with having random hookups with you when you ran into each other.
In any case, are you SURE you want to have angst about this guy? He sounds like he would take an immense amount of energy to have a relationship with - really, not emotionally available at all.
@PUNKEY,
You see it quite right.
But otherwise we understand each other very well, effortless communication, many shared interest. He is emotionally not that mature that is true. But I like the bond we have- and I need this to be in a relationship, he makes me easy, and to open up. Otherwise I find it a bit hard to get intimate with someone.
It might seem controversial, I know.
@mikahaka,
mikahaka wrote:
.... I left early, or leaving him "behind" at parties, but than again isn't it him to pursue me? ...
Nope. He probably had no idea why you did that.
Hey, you can tell him or not. If you want to wait until he doesn't have a girlfriend then that's fine, but you should be out making other friends and looking for a relationship elsewhere.
Why the hell would you put your life on hold for so long for someone who, to us observers, only wants you for occasional sex on his terms?
You will only be young once. Why are you wasting your time on this crap?
@jespah,
I still think I am just obvious enough with my interest for him, that these few times I was "not so much focused on him", shouldn't make a change. Should they?
But one thing I can admit, I only made a move maybe once, then he reacted well, later he was turning me down ( e.g. when I just wanted to dance together him) or giving me mixed signals- so after that I stopped initiating :-) I am also being afraid of getting hurt- but can he be as well?
All in all, I really like your advice- it is probably the best one I got online- and I would do exactly like that! I would definitely won't wait for occasional whatever, only interested if he takes it for real
@mikahaka,
mikahaka wrote:
I still think I am just obvious enough with my interest for him,
have you told him that you are interested in a relationship with him?
If not, it wasn't obvious enough. You have to tell people you are interested. Clues just don't do it.
@ehBeth,
I get your point. At times I felt these strong signals from him, I could have asked. Probably will ask in the future.
But what else could he been thinking, why I am "going after him"- even if not that pushy? The only reason is that I want to be with him.
I still sometimes felt my initiation is too much for him, and he is "running away".
So this asking and telling it clearly, will only prowide me the reasons why he does not want it to be. And not his realisation of what I want.
But we can pour clear water into the glass.. And he might stop sending these mixed signals that keep me at his porch.... :/
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