What do I do with my suicidal friend?

Reply Sat 25 Mar, 2017 09:38 pm
My closest friend is suicidal. Her parents know, the school knows, the social workers know, her therapists/psychiatrists know, and I can't seem to take it anymore.

I've dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts (seen in my previous posts) but we both are just so different about it. Everyway she deals with her thoughts, are just the complete opposite of how I would react. It has lead to the point where I've started to feel as if, at some points she uses me, and I contribute to her depression. There is so much more to this topic, but I can't seem to put it into words. So I'll just give examples.

She tells a bunch of people about her depression and makes scenes in public, whereas I would die if anyone found out

She told me, some of my close friends, and close friends of hers that she was going to kill herself (gave us a time and way), whereas I would never want any of my friends to feel the responsibility that they could save me, because I know I am not changing the way I think and they will not be able to save me. So I don't know what she expects me to do in such situations

She believes that once she starts dating a guy she will finally be happy; however the guys she choses to go on dates him, only want to have a one time thing, which she doesn't understand, and wishes to change them. Whereas, I hate intimacy, and understand most guys our age are just looking for sexual relations.

She gets bad grades in school because she doesn't study or she doesn't do her assigments, but then complains that its because she is stupid, which she isn't.

She tells me to hang out with her, then I tell I need space, as I hate feeling that I am getting too close to someone, then the next day she tells me she has self-harmed.

We talk about self-harm, but I personally think that you shoudn't be so negative about it (not be happy to self-harm, but I just mean not to hate yourself for self-harming), since I am trying to recover, and that I should just accept what I've done, and get over it. However, she manages to twist my words, and ends up telling me that I encourage her to self-harm. So I just don't think this relationship is healthy.

It has reached the point that I just get mad at her for being who she is. I understand we are different and that is her way of coping but I can't take it anymore. I am so emotionally involved in her, that my self-obsesed self just wants to force her to change herself. I know I shouldn't change people, or tell them what to do. So I just want to give up on being her friend, but I know the guilt of knowing I left someone who is going through the same I have gone before, will eat me up.

I really didn't wish to compare myself to her to see who is better or anything like that, so I hope this doesn't come out like that. This probably sounds like a rant about her, but I honestly love her. I am just so emotionally involved with her, I don't even know why, now I am just debating as to what I should do. Any advice would really be appreciated. Thanks.
View best answer, chosen by MelodyCrystal
Reply Sat 25 Mar, 2017 10:09 pm
"Things can't be bad all the time, its statistically impossible."

Everyone, all people seek contentment, however; our methods are random pickings. We don't know the best way to obtain it and when we do get lucky it fades fast and doesn't stay.

What am I getting at?

Self identify with her your own struggle so that she knows she's not a lone. We all feel like her, shes not unique. She hasn't been unlucky, we ALL have this problem.

So how come we all are not suicidal then? Because we are a little optimistic because we have seen there are ways out that don't involve killing ourselves.

Depression is a cyclic mindset that feeds itself. If you wallow in your ideas that spark it, it will continue endlessly. The only way to end it is by changing this mindset. It might sound daunting or even insultingly simplistic but it's just this very premise that one needs to hear.

If our desires are too many or too far out of reach we will ultimately give up pursing them. What ever they are we will begin to feel hopeless of ever being happy or content.

Here is the trick. If you are already set in death, then what do you have to lose by trying this? You have tossed in the towel so why not give this a try?

Search your mind for what you are desperately wanting, needing, lacking that you think is necessary to fulfill you back to happiness. What ever they are, or how many they are. Bring them all into your mind. Then destroy them one by one as ever leading to happiness.

Original thought;
"If I had X, I would be happy."

New thought;
"If I had x, it can not bring me happiness."

This needs to be realized. Its the starting point to break the cyclic spark that creates depression. All you have to do is destroy this thought that obtaining what ever it was, will not infact make you happy.

This is to remove the burden you are placing on yourself. It needs to be consciously thought, it doesn't need to be believed. Just thought. Pull them all out and destroy each thought one by one.

I know it sounds ridiculously simplistic and intellectually insulting but this will extinguish the spark of depression.
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Reply Sun 26 Mar, 2017 08:02 am
She is using you, and the rest of your friends as well. Oh, and telling you that she's self-harmed (or is about to) if you have the audacity to tell her that you don't want to hang out? That's a dandy form of emotional blackmail she's got going on right there.

Any time she pushes the suicide or self-harm angle, tell her to contact her therapist or the school nurse. Period. You have taken on the role of helper in this (enabler, actually), and it's sucking the life right out of you.

Of course people react differently depending upon not only their emotions but also things like brain chemistry. Science is still figuring out why one person becomes clinically depressed when another one shrugs things off and those two people are dealing with the exact same issues.

Note: I am not a doctor. But I can see she is using you as a crutch and using her depression as an attention-getting. She is an attention monster, and will not be satisfied unless everyone around her is paying court and giving her what she craves. She has not been able to get attention in other ways, I suspect, so she has latched onto depression as being her means of getting it. Like I said, I am not a doctor. But maybe she's not so depressed at all. Maybe she's just a user.

Either way, though, whether you believe her or you don't, this is harming you. It is far more important for you to take care of yourself than to take care of her.

She says: Come hang out tonight.
You say: I need space.
The next day, she says: I self-harmed because you didn't hang out with me last night.
You say: Oh, that's too bad. Have you told your therapist about this incident yet? (Or) Let's get you to the school nurse. (Or) Let's tell your parents so they can do something about it.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

She is trying to force you to take responsibility for her actions and her decisions. You've got burdens of your own. Don't take on hers as well.
Reply Sun 26 Mar, 2017 09:19 am
It was 'just an on-line friend' but I once ran out of options in dealing with suicidal thoughts in them so I finally responded to one of their threats.

"If I had a way to do it I'd kill myself now" They said.

I offered to send a bullet.

"I don't have a gun" was the response.

I then offered a razor blade. Curiously, it seemed to help.
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Reply Mon 27 Mar, 2017 10:53 am
Thank you so much for your advice, having someone look at it, who isn't really involved, really helped. I have been getting too anxious about this whole situatuion and haven't really been looking at it very clearly, but your answer was straightforward and clear. I'll try to follow it, thanks.
Reply Mon 27 Mar, 2017 11:08 am
All the best to you. Smile
0 Replies

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