Reply
Thu 28 Oct, 2004 08:43 pm
Hello, I have a friend whom in this situation; it be great if someone give me some advice to give to her, because even myself; I don't even know what exactly say to her. I don't want to say anything that would hurt her feelings.
My friend right now is currently 3rd year in college. She handicape, she got into an accident when she was little, now her legs cannot walk, so she sit in the wheelchair. Her family are not wealthy neither, they just average class people. Recently this guy friend that she know for a long time (whom I know, and I think he very nice, honestly type of guy). He happen to like my friend and he ask my friend out. He been friend with her for a while and when I see them around, seem like he likes her alot, he doesn't mind hang around with her or pushes her wheelchair around school.
The problem my friend having is; she keep talking to me that she not good enough for him. She embarass because she handicape, and he not. She tell me that if she date him, people going to make fun at him when she around him and his family will disapprove them together.
I honestly think if he likes her then it enough, but she won't listen to me, she just feel that she not good enough for him. I have talk to him before, he told me many times and tell her that he doesn't mind, but the PROBLEM is that she MIND.
I totally understand where she coming from, she been a happy person, she usually doesn't let her handicape bother her, but I guess since she really likes this guy so that why she feel embarass.
I know that she should not mind what people think, but it not easy, usually when you handicape, there alot of people make fun at you.
This has been bother her so much, there many times she come and cry to me about this, she say she don't want to be friend with him anymore. He seem like he really like her from what I see, he hang around with her all the time, help her around with alot of stuff, and he doesn't mind being in public pushing her around school or introduce her to his friend. Am sure he not playing games with her, cuze seem like he likes her alot and plus I don't think college guy would have time to play this games around with an handicape girl.
Please give me some advice, I really want to comfort my friend, but am as lost as her, I don't know what to say to her to make her feel better.
Hello td8181 and welcome to a2k.
What a sad situation for you to be watching. I think you are kind to ask about how to help her. While there is the chance that the relationship won't go very far, it certainly won't get anywhere if she tries to deny it. You have to take the responsibility to tell her that nothing in love is certain. Maybe she is afraid that he will "love her and leave her." Still, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I say "Go for it!"
Here are some things you could say:
1- Tell your friend that she would hurt the bf if she left him.
2-He chose *her* so he must be seeing something special in her.
3-Maybe even if *she* can't see that, she could at least try to gracefully accept his happy attentions.
4-She should try to be kind to him and respect his feelings, even if she later decides she doesn't like him.
5- Tell her to remember that when someone is in a relationship, they need to quit thinking about themselves and think about the other person.
6- Point out that she might be hurting him deeply if she pushes him away.
7- She may be feeling like a handicapped person, but she is surely not one who would be mean to another, especialy one whom she really likes.
8-She is lucky to have someone who seems to love her for herself.
9-Don't rock the boat! Be happy.
Also, ask her if she has ever used "Affirmations" to help her with her personal fears. She could try using these to train herself to be less fearful of becoming part of a couple. To use them, she would write down, and frequently read and repeat to herself short sentences that give her a positive attitude. Some of these might be:
"I am worthy of love."
"Someone loves me for myself."
"Everyone is lovable."
Maybe you and she can think of more. Sometimes people use these affirmations to make themselves focus or to become stronger:
"Every day and every way I am getting better and better." is one of the original affirmations. "I grow stronger with each breath and each step." is one used by athletes.
Good luck and tell us how it goes.
Sorry about my grammars, thanks to all of those who patient to read what I write.
What you mean by the relationship won't go far? If I tell her that, it even hesitate her more not to be with him. Seriously, am as lost; I mean it her choice if she don't want to be with him, but seem like it hurt her as well.
I honestly think the guy likes her, because me, her, and him know each others in college. He mature and he know her for years, they been friend; and she don't mind that but since he ask her to be his GF; now she kind of hesitate and want to push him away. I have a talk with him to see if he play games with her, he very serious on this, he tell me that he don't mind at all and he say he likes her because of all those years he be around her and her personality match him, that why he want her to be his GF.
My friend is not ugly, her legs looks normal, it just that she cannot walk after that accident, so she have to sit in a wheelchair, it not like both of her legs are cut off or anything. I don't know why she so hesitate to be with him, I mean if he loves her and he don't mind, she shouldn't mind. They both are age 22-23, so they are not kid anymore. I try to tell her to say yes to him but she won't listen. There times when she ignore him and he come up to me and ask me where she is, this proven he likes her.
My friend very nice, she not mean or anything, in fact, she don't talk much or make much friend cuze of her handicape. So I don't see what she done to him, if he want to play games with her. You guys don't think the guy just want to play games with her to make her embarrass right? I just don't see it, I mean; I saw him push her around school, they even eat lunch together, he push her to class. Like one time, all 3 of us walking together, there some people look at him like he weird cuze he care about her, others guys would be embarrass, but he just seem very calm, seem like he doesn't mind what others think.
Any advice on this would be greatly help, I have the tendency to get scare when I see people cry, even though she my friend, when she cry, I get nervous, I just want to help her get through this.
Well, she is extremely lucky to have found such a genuine guy.
Perhaps it would be good if she explained her concern to her guy friend, and (in a nonthreatening way) asked him if it really did not matter to him, and what made him like her?
This way, she would hear it from his own lips what he likes about her...and when she feels unworthy, she can think about the good that he sees in her, and try to grow her confidence in her own self worth.
What do you guys think about this idea, do you think it is a good or bad one?
But one thing is for certain: she needs to get over this feeling if they are going to have a successful relationship. Maybe it is something that she will naturally get over after they are together for a while...but maybe not. I can invision her getting past this, only to have him insult her in some future argument...causing feelings of doubt to grow in her which will never be fully subdued.
Anyway, I think the potential good is worth the emotional risk.
Actually she did say it to him that she handicape and reject him when he ask her out, but he say he doesn't mind. He say this alot of times to her, and even to me, he keep repeating that he doesn't mind. BUT SHE MIND, the whole problem is her, she mind, that what keep her from him.
From my post above, do you guys think after like 2 years of know her, be around with her all the time in public, even introduce her to his friends, I mean there time when it rain and he still push her to her class, despite he get him wet. I see alot of things he did for her, because she is like the closest friend of mine, 3 of us eat lunch many times. I thought he was just a friend, but since he ask her out, things has gone apart from them. can it be he playing games with her? I mean she innocent and nice, not that she done harm to him or something, why would he want to mess with her.
Now am scare of her, if this dude messing around with her, I think am gonna "argg" slap him around I guess, kidding. I think you guys get my worry, I just worry about her, I feel sad that she already handicape, I don't want he to hurt her.
I agree, Stuh, that it is best for the two who may or may not be in love to do the talking. It is a bad situation, I think, to try and explain to two perfectly grown-up people why one loves the other. Two's company, three's a crowd.
I understood that td8181 was trying to "coach" her friend and encourage her to be open to this relationship.
My warning to you, td, about your taking the responsibility to tell her nothing in love is certain, is based on experience. Sometimes when you think you are helping someone, it doesn't work out precisely as you imagine. You can't guarantee to her that he will always be true. Nobody can, not even he can say that for sure. Certainty is just not guaranteed.
You can, however, guarantee to her that if she pushes love away, then she has shut a door. She is limiting herself and she needs to reconsider, especially if she believes, as you seem to suspect, that she is unworthy and, in fact, unlovable. It is one thing to shut the door because she doesn't like the guy, and an entirely different thing to shut it because she is, in effect, afraid.
Yes, she needs to be told that if she gives in to her fears, she will never find love.
Making decisions out of fear is ALWAYS the wrong way.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace