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boyfriend has a child that isn't his, what to do?

 
 
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2017 07:19 pm
I have been dating my boyfriend for about three months. Its very new and we both are coming from long 5+ year relationships.
I am 25 and he is 30.
First date, he mentioned he did not have any kids; but later on, (2-3 dates after) he mentioned he raised a child that is not his. Raising, I should say.

He dated his ex for 6 years and raised her daughter since she was 18 months old. She is now 8.
I did not know how to react at the time, but to act like it was totally normal and an understandable situation. Which of course, it is, he wants to continue to be a part of this child’s life, it only fair for the both.
In general, he does not mention her, or talk much about her. Only on a few occasions he'll mention her, like ‘I just got back from doing homework with “(her name)."

So far the relationship between us as a couple is dreamy and feels ideal. We are in that “honeymoon phase” as my best friend says.

Last Friday we went out to eat and I do not remember what brought the subject of his daughter, but for the second time he expresses how he is trying to distance himself from her and her family. He is very close to his ex in-laws (his daughters grandparents) as well; who apparently do not like their own daughter and told him several times to leave her while they were together.
This being said, he tells the grandparents everything, like if they were his own parents, they even know about me.
He has also said his ex (the mother) is distancing herself from her daughter and that she is going to be raised by her grandparents (same^) at some point.
He has said in the past how she is not a good mother who priorities drinking and partying and is an “unfit” parent.
I nicely disagreed with him wanting to distance himself. Then I followed with ‘does she know her biological father?’
He says no.
That the daughter thinks HE is the biological father.
I was speechless at the moment and just kept drinking my drink to distract myself from the information. Then he says he will tell her at 18.
He isn't legally responsible for her as he has hinted this prior.
It is just all vague, and clearly an uncomfortable situation for him as it seems he was forced to be a parent. Not to mention, uncomfortable for me.
I feel his resentment over the situation, not the daughter, it is very clear he loves her, but having to be a father and not being with his ex, yet still stuck in this situation.


So here it is, I feel like its none of my business type deal, where I have no say in regards of his daughter. At the same time, it can be in the way of our future

HOW DO I GO ABOUT approaching this situation?

I do not think it is ethically correct to wait for the daughter to be 18. The sooner she knows he isn't biologically the father; the better it is for him on conscious and her as human being. and for their father daughter relationship. No lies. Honesty.
I think it would be better for the daughter and her future as person, to know the truth and know soon.
Especially since he is not any longer with her mother, his ex.


Seriously ANY advice, critique, options, and opinions please…

TLDR: Boyfriend has daughter, isn’t really his. daughter thinks he is the biological the father. want to tell him to tell her the truth SOON
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2017 10:38 pm
@vanessafranca2304,
He wants to distance himself from the child, but wants the child to continue to believe he is her bio-dad?

Seems like he's got a few things to sort out.

I honestly don't think you have a place in this right now. He needs to sort this through on his own - perhaps with the help of a professional who can work with the child.

Try to keep in mind that you are not his therapist. It is not a good thing for people in relationships to try to counsel each other. It invariably ends up in a mess.

You're still in early dating days. Try to keep it light.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 06:04 am
@vanessafranca2304,
How does your husband feel about all this?
https://able2know.org/topic/344308-1
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 06:48 am
@jespah,
Oy vey! Bagged!
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 07:42 am
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

How does your husband feel about all this?
https://able2know.org/topic/344308-1

That was in September. Divorced since November/December? Probably not. Still, good catch.
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 07:54 am
@vanessafranca2304,
Parenting is not about biology, it is about love and caring. Whether or not his daughter is his biological daughter or not is completely irrelevant. He raised his daughter over 7 years. They clearly developed the bond that fathers develop with their daughters. I raised two kids (now both adults) who weren't biologically related. I will tell you from experience that biology doesn't matter.

You are dating a man who has a daughter. This means accepting that there is a mother involved. Many couples go through this.

The only question is this: Do you want to date a man who has a daughter?

Here's is the fact. Any time you date someone who has young children, you are coming into an existing situation. There are always these relationships, and different parenting styles, and there is often a little messiness (particularly).
As far has his relationship with his daughter, and when he will tell her that they aren't biologically related? Frankly, that is none of your business. He and his daughter will figure this out as their relationship grows. This sounds like a difficult situation... but it is a difficult situation that you have absolutely no say about.

Any time you date a person who has a child, issues are going to come up that need to be dealt with. The needs of the child comes first (of course) and there is often a history with exes and grandparents.

His relationship with his daughter, and when he decides she is ready to deal with knowing the past, is completely between him and his daughter. He has to balance what she is ready for, with what is going on with her mother and grandparents, with their own relationship.

The point being that this is not your business. You can't possibly have any valuable input.... this is an area that you haven't been a part of.

You are dating a man who has a father. If you continue dating, then you need to accept this... and you need to respect that he is responsible for his daughter and that he will be the one deciding how to best raise her. You need to accept the decisions he makes for his daughter... they aren't your decisions.

If you don't want to date a man who is a father, it is better to just end it quickly.
vanessafranca2304
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 08:05 am
@jespah,
Thank you for pointing that out. Clearly, serpaeted in September and we had an annulment.
But yeah now you know how it ended Wink
vanessafranca2304
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 08:08 am
@tsarstepan,
yes I had an annulment soon after my post. There was no marriage or physical contact.
0 Replies
 
vanessafranca2304
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 08:19 am
@maxdancona,
Thank you. It helps to hear that I really have no say in this.

I guess the vagueness and he saying he wants to distance himself made me question his ways about the situation. As in if he going to play the role of the father be the father 100 not half ass it. Not to distance himself.
At 8 I knew already what biological father and non - biological was, and I being her would want to know.

As far as wanting to be with someone with a daughter that isn't his (as he reminds me) but is actually his. Seems like something that'll take time for me, but I have a big welcoming heart and hope it won't be a problem.
0 Replies
 
vanessafranca2304
 
  3  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 08:25 am
@ehBeth,
He wants to distance himself from the child, but wants the child to continue to believe he is her bio-dad?

Yes... he should be all in and if not I think he should be straight forward with her and the family..instead of being a father who gave distance. Be the father that cared by choice. Idk.

But thank you, you're very right about not being a therapist !
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 08:36 am
@vanessafranca2304,
Just making sure as we do get people who like to post any old thing.

This child is in the middle of all of this. It seems rather unfair to her for him to step away when he's the only father she's ever really known.
vanessafranca2304
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 09:04 am
@jespah,
Lol it was funny though!!!
And Yes I know.
When I keep thinking about it I get a little stressed for him and naturally I am too. It just seems so obvious he is in a position he doesn't want to be in. But needs to be in.Which I get, but I'll not touch the subject unless he directly asks for my advice.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 09:04 am
Clearly, this man has family connections with this little girl, and has decided to step back and let the grandparents take over, since he is not able or willing to do. Probably the last thing he wants to do is to be responsible for the day-to-day upbringing of an 8 year old girl.

The most important thing he can do is to do what he can to make sure she has a stable home - perhaps with the grandparents.

This child has a lot to contend with and all kinds of adult drama is not in order right now.

Yes, you can sit back and observe his response, but really, it's between him and the extended family and how much anyone wants to get involved. stay out of all this.



vanessafranca2304
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 09:59 am
@PUNKEY,
Quote:
Clearly, this man has family connections with this little girl, and has decided to step back and let the grandparents take over, since he is not able or willing to do. Probably the last thing he wants to do is to be responsible for the day-to-day upbringing of an 8 year old girl.


Hmm you have made some good points.
And yeah i won't get in to it.
0 Replies
 
 

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