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Boyfriend refuses to delete old porn videos with ex

 
 
Reply Mon 13 Mar, 2017 09:02 am
This weekend, while I was on my boyfriend's laptop for work, I unfortunately stumbled upon old dirty videos of him and an ex-girlfriend. Again, to clarify, I was not snooping through his computer. I was on his laptop with his permission doing work for my job. The only reason I discovered these videos is because when I went to search for a file I had saved, the videos appeared in my view under the "Recently Viewed" tab. It was clear from the thumbnail that they were pornographic videos of him and another female.

I approached my boyfriend about the videos. He was embarrassed and obviously disappointed I found them. When I questioned why he had been looking at these videos, he denied doing so even though they were listed under the "Recently Viewed" tab. When I told him that they made me uncomfortable and requested for him to delete them out of respect for me and our relationship, he got upset. He said that he did not want to delete them or anything for that matter off of his computer. He liked having memories. I told him that I understand. I have old photos of ex's on my computer as well; however, these photos have no sexual ties to them. I told him would never ask him to delete old innocent photos of him and any ex together. I simply would feel more comfortable if he deleted the pornographic content as I didn't feel that those were memories necessary to look back. I went on to tell them that I had no problem with him watching porn to relieve himself when I'm unavailable and he feels it necessary, but I really did have a problem with him watching porn of him and an ex-girlfriend. He told me he had not watched and will not watch the videos but he just didn't want to delete them.

At this point, I myself began to get emotional and cry as my feelings were deeply hurt. I do not understand why a man would want to keep old pornographic material of an ex if he was fully satisfied in his current relationship. We've been dating for well over a year. Our relationship, sexual and otherwise, is anything but boring to say the least. He's even asked me to move in with him. (Although I've been reluctant only because I think some space is good for a blooming relationship.) He constantly mentions plans for the future (i.e. marriage, children, etc.) on his own freewill as I don't typically start talking about these things until I'm much father along in a relationship. I feel like the only reason a man would want to keep that sort of material is because he has some sort of emotional connection to the ex still. He began to get angry with me and tell me that my tears were a manipulation tactic. He said that he now really refused to delete the videos because he refused to be controlled.

NOTE: It may be good to know that he was drinking at this time. While I do not let alcohol become an excuse for anyone's behaviors, I think it might still be good for an outsider to know this.

I became furious and even more saddened. I began to pack my things up to leave. He grabbed me gently by my arms and begged me to stay. I did. We went back and forth with the above argument for at least an hour until he excused himself to the bathroom. While he was away, I decided to call a male friend of mine to ask him how he would react if his wife (my very best friend) found pornography on his computer of him and an old ex.

NOTE: It's also good to know that my male friend absolutely loves my current boyfriend. They are near clones of each other in -- not all but -- a lot of ways.

Despite this fact, my male friend told me that he would immediately delete these videos no questions asked if his wife asked him to. He also said that, if he did refuse to delete them, he would hope that his wife would leave him. He agreed that the only reason he would have to keep old dirty videos of an ex is if he still had some emotional connection to this ex. My boyfriend walked in on this phone conversation and immediately changed his demeanor.

I hung up the phone and my boyfriend began sobbing. He went over to the computer and deleted the videos. He said he was stupid for even fighting with me over this and that he's sorry he hurt me and broke our trust. He blamed the argument on the alcohol and his ego. We again exchanged some words on why I felt so uncomfortable with the videos and why I wanted him to delete them. He said he understood me, loved me, and did not want me to leave him. He said no video would ever be worth losing me. He asked what he could to do to make me believe him. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore about it and the discussion was dropped. We spent the rest of the night with a changed demeanor of course but still together as planned.

The topic is not dropped in my head however... I don't know how to feel about the situation. I obviously love the guy otherwise I would have left the minute he refused to delete the content, not because I want to control him, but because I would hope that the guy I am dating would have enough respect for me and our relationship to WANT to delete the videos.

Did my boyfriend have a change of heart because he gained a clear head and realized this? Or did he have a change of heart because he heard my guy friend say that I should leave my boyfriend if he refuses to delete them? Is there any valid reason for a guy to make this big of a deal about videos of an ex if he is fully satisfied in his current relationship?
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jespah
 
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Reply Mon 13 Mar, 2017 09:39 am
Who knows? Either way, he did what you asked. So I wouldn't pick apart his motivation. You got the results you were looking for. He didn't try to hide the images or transfer them to an external drive or anything.

Is he otherwise trustworthy? Then maybe chalk it up to bad judgment on one occasion. I would strongly suggest to him at least that if he uses his laptop for work at all, and if he tries to claim any of that on his taxes, then he really should not be looking at porn on it. Why? Because if he is ever audited about usage, then the porn will come up. Same thing if his boss owns the laptop.
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